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Valentine's Day or Single Awareness Day?

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It’s that time of the year again. You may have noticed a surge in people joining online dating sites and studies on online dating lately. It’s no coincidence that it’s around Valentine’s Day, perhaps the most polarizing holiday in the Western world. Either it’s the most romantic or the most depressing day of the year. Like me, there are a lot of people out there stuck without a date. That shouldn’t bring you down, though. It all really comes down if you think the glass is half empty or half full.
For those optimistic about finding a date at the last minute, Valentine’s Day is only a few days away and, although it does not seem like a lot of time, you may still get lucky. Single people don’t go away over night. There are still some subtle things you can do to get a date, even if it isn’t on V-Day. Subtle cues can attract a date from a mile away. Wearing red is not only lucky but has been proven to attract a member of the opposite sex (or the same-sex as well, depending how you roll). If you take the person you’re interested in to a place with a higher temperature, that can also increase your chances of having a successful date.
Then again, you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself. Don’t let it get to you that you don’t have a date. Take some time on V-Day to focus on the most important person of all: yourself. It sounds cheesy but depression never really helped anyone. In fact, depression can lead to an awful lot of health complications down the line. Instead of wallowing in sorrow and playing Aimee Mann songs, go out and live a little. In the grand scheme of things, V-Day is just another day of the week, albeit with some baggage attached to it.
Like the proverbial glass of water, it really is what you make of it. Personally, I believe that Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday, much like that terrible movie that came out a couple of years ago. You don’t need a day to tell you that you have to find someone to love or treat the one you love to a great night out. For my fellow single people out there, you aren’t forever alone when everyone else is in the same boat. For those that have a date, I wish you luck in getting a dinner reservation if you haven’t booked one by now.

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The Little Things: Dating and Your Health

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When you’re dating, the first thing that comes to mind probably isn’t “Will dating this person make me healthier?” Well, if it is, then you may be worrying a bit too much. Then again, if you are dating someone and it only makes you worry, then it’s probably best to get out of it as soon as possible. Two studies have proven the link between bad relationships and poor physical and mental health.
Lets start with the mental. A study by Case Western Reserve University showed that excessive worrying can create intrusive and obsessive behaviors that could negatively impact your relationships, romantic and otherwise. Though it studied people suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), its findings could be used for anyone that finds themselves worrying themselves into a corner – making them either too cold or too nurturing.Either way you feel, it will push the people you love away from you and make you more isolated.
The way to attack this problem is to get to the source – what made you worry in the first place? Does it come from somewhere real or imagined? Anything can make you worry but the best way to attack the problem is head-on: discuss it with your partner. They should understand completely. Don’t put it off too long, worrying does have a snowball effect. Just to top off the worrying, if you feel that you are suffering from GAD, please consult a therapist since this blog can only go so far.
Worrying will also result in physical health problems. If those problems mentioned before keep coming up again and again, you may be in a toxic relationship. The exact health problems that can result from these relationships were recently discovered by UCLA scientists. Negative interactions increases inflammation, which can result in heart disease, increased blood pressure, and cancer. Monitoring 122 healthy young people, scientists found that stressful events increased the production of inflammation-causing proteins.
Yeesh, that sounds terrible. Imagine staying in a bad relationship even for a few more weeks – it really can kill you in the long run. That’s why when something doesn’t work, you shouldn’t be afraid to say goodbye. Your health is more important than hurt feelings.
Mental and physical health are tied together tightly like a fine knot. One notch fails and the rest of it falls. Life is made up of the little things. A hug. A compliment. A glare. An argument. You should never neglect looking out for your own health first. It’s more important than any petty argument will ever be.

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Happy New Year! Dating Site Usage is Up by 15-20%

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Yes, it’s that time of the year again. In just one more day, it will be a new year and a lot of people are really feeling it. Don’t believe me? Recent research has shown that dating sites have been receiving a 15 to 20 percent jump in activity.
It’s no wonder. This year went by pretty fast and, for those who believe in certain Mayan prophecies concerning next year, trying to get a date before New Years Eve is the most important thing you can do before the end of the world. That apocalyptic feeling really isn’t new to this year, though. This time of year may be joyful on the surface but there has always been a deep undercurrent of loneliness for those looking through the window at other happy couples. Trying to get a date before New Years isn’t an act of desperation. This is an attempt to no longer be on the outside looking in.
This trend doesn’t stop after New Years. From now until Valentine’s Day is the busiest time for dating websites. We now live, quoting Thomas Friedman, in a hyper-connected world. This means that we feel intimately connected with more people outside our immediate social network than ever before because of social media and intimate access to the lives of others through their profiles.  Whereas before online dating there was uncertainty as to where you can meet that special someone, now you have sites that can help. While online dating was a joke ten years ago, now it’s more socially acceptable to say you met your partner online. To speak to this paradigm shift, approximately 10% of singles in the US used dating sites in 2011. I can’t speak for all of their motivations but it shows how the Internet has changed where dating begins.
There are a plethora of articles out there about how people are trying to connect with each other out of desperation. For the most part, that isn’t the case. I believe that this trend shows that, deep down, people are looking to find someone they click with to start the new year fresh. As Auld Lang Syne implies, the new year is the start of new beginnings as we throw everything else away. With the millions of potential connections out there, there is bound to be the perfect one for you.
Happy New Year one and all! May you find that special someone in the glorious year of 2012.
-Brett

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Looking for Someone

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This New Yorker’s article is probably the most comprehensive article summarizing the birth and history of online dating in the US.
Some lines that are memorable to me:
“Often the people who go on the sites that promise you a match are so primed to find one that they jump at the first or the second or the third who comes along. The people who are looking may not be the people you are looking for. “It’s a selection problem when you round up a bunch of people who want to settle down,” Chris Coyne, one of the founders of a site called OK Cupid, told me”
Well, isn’t that what happens in real life? It’s all about meeting the right person at the right time and right place. At least the “selection problem” of online dating gets rid of having to fit the right time and place so you just have to find the right person. Trust me, it’s not that there is one RIGHT PERSON who is just waiting to be found at a corner somewhere in the world.
“Starting a site is like starting a restaurant. It’s a sexy business, looks like fun, yet it’s hard to make money.” There is, as yet, a disconnect between success and profit. “The way these companies make money is not directly correlated to the utility that users get from the product,” Harj Taggar, a partner at the Silicon Valley seed fund Y Combinator, told me. “What they really should be doing is making money if they match you with people you like.”
Amen! It doesn’t take a genius to recognize why match.com or eharmony.com or even howaboutwe.com put you in a subscription plan! They don’t make money if you meet someone and leave right away. That’s the dilemma of these dating sites—your customers can’t be too successful or too unsuccessful. I think dating sites should make money if and only if they actually help the user find someone they like.

“Men want someone who will take care of them, make them look good, and have sex with them—not necessarily in that order.” Love it. “There is a fundamental imbalance in the social dynamic,” Harj Taggar, the investor at Y Combinator, told me. “The most valuable asset is attractive females. As soon as you get them, you get loads of creepy guys.”

So it’ a mystery to me why so many dating sites cater to how men date. C’mon, women don’t care about browsing through thousands of men’s photos. We don’t have time for that and if we do, we rather look at women’s photos!
The social science behind what attracts men and women is so addictive that I can go on forever. And it is no wonder that there are so many dating services with various niche ranging from matching based on DNA, facial resemblance to what makes people laugh. But sometimes, all you need is an easier way to meet decent, normal people, period. Everything else can be figured out and decided by the couple themselves.
You can read more about the article at:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/07/04/110704fa_fact_paumgarten#ixzz1gS2wwjzO

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Women's hunch

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Hunch, intuition, gut-feeling, voice whispering in your ears—whatever you may call it, I have experienced, repeatedly, many instances when my first intuition proved to be right.
In this interesting study conducted by Psychologist and Villanova University Associate Professor Rebecca J. Brand, women could intuitively evaluate men’s physical attractiveness from their written online profiles. Without photos, they were asked to evaluate men’s attractiveness from their writing. The result—the women actually didn’t need photos to to discern which ones are attractive.
This Huffington Post article does not include the details of how these women evaluated men’s attractiveness and how much it correlated with the actual attractiveness of the photos. The interpretation is that women are generally attracted to confident men, and the confidence level is reflected in men’s writing. And because our looks/attractiveness impact our confidence level, the more confident you are, the likely that you are attractive.
I find it fascinating that even in such short online profiles, such deeply personal traits can be analyzed. More interesting question would be whether this would apply if done among men. I don’t think for women, being attractive necessarily translates to confidence. In fact, a lot of attractive women I know are insecure. Also, I am not sure if men will be able to pick up on these subtle cues. It would be an interesting study.

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Why do online dating sites force us to make trade-offs?

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I read a very interesting, funny and also insightful article on The Spec on online dating. As a single, 31-year old male, Frank tried both paid service, e-harmony and Plenty of Fish. I’m not sure why he chose e-harmony over match. You can read the full story here but this pretty much summarizes it.
e-harmony:
“The user experience was phenomenal. All the matches came into my inbox. If there was mutual interest, we’d proceed with the guided communication. This was four-step process generated by eHarmony where you had the opportunity to get comfortable with your match until you were ready to take it offline.
And therein lay the reason I stopped using eHarmony. Having two presumably mature adults getting to know one another via a Q&A computer template seemed abnormal. I could have been more patient, and the website does tell you that it may take up to a year to meet your perfect match, but this site just wasn’t for me. I wanted my online dating experience to mimic real world dating as much as possible.”
Plenty of Fish:
“Dating on a free site is about being active. You have to put in the time and that means logging on several times a day and chatting with someone who may or may not be who she claims to be.
Although it’s exciting to meet dozens of attractive single women every day, it can also be a bit scary. Let’s just say not everyone I’ve chatted with was single or even a woman. This is where pay sites have a distinct advantage — the security.”
His conclusion clearly highlights the painful limitations of online dating sites, which therefore forces users to make tradeoffs.
“If you place a monetary value on your time and user experience, and if the added security features are important to you, then registering with a pay site is the way to go.
Conversely, a free site may be more your style if you’re willing to sift through hundreds of profiles and you enjoy the freedom of choice. I see value in both.”

And I’m here thinking, why do we have to make this choice? Why is it that unless you pay substantial amount of money, you can’t get the security you want at the fraction of time you must invest currently in free dating sites?
Just wait. I think Coffee Meets Bagel might have just the right solution.  :)

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Love, Lies and What They Learned

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Some interesting but not surprising findings from a study of more than one million online dating profiles, conducted by Gerald A. Mendelsohn, a professor in the psychology department at the University of California, Berkeley.
1. 80% of people misrepresent their height and weight on their online dating profile. Women on average report that they are 8.5 pounds thinner (that’s a lot!), and men 2 pounds.
Some interesting findings on liars:
“Liars tend to use fewer first-person pronouns. Professor Toma said this is an indication of psychological distancing: “You’re feeling guilty or anxious or nervous.” Liars use more negative words like “not” and “never,” yet another way of putting up a buffer. Liars use fewer negative emotion words like “sad” and “upset,” and they write shorter online personal essays. (It’s easier not to get caught if you say less.”
Of course, you can’t really extract or judge an individual profile based on such collective studies, so it’s somewhat useless in my opinion to try to use this as a guideline.
2. People still date others who are similar to the-particularly in race.
This is somewhat obvious to me.
3. The scholars found that women have a stronger preference than men do for income over physical attributes.
Duh! We didn’t need to analyze gazillion profiles to figure this one out.
Conclusion: Online dating helps people reduce transaction cost and allows them to broaden their network. So one might expect more diversity or at least somewhat different behaviors exhibited by users when choosing a date. However, in my opinion, the fact that the user can search and browse for profile information with all kinds of information, in effect, exacerbates homophily. In the real world, whether it be at a party or a blind date set up by friends, conversations take place before one learns if a potential date smokes or makes $150K plus. She can gather more data points that can potentially open her up having follow-up meetings with the person, even though, let’s say, he is not a particular race that she is used to dating. However, in online dating, we filter and browse first by all kinds of attributes that we think are important and feel comfortable with.
I’m not claiming one is better than the other. The former can cause a lot of wasted time, but the latter can cause a lot of missed opportunities. Perhaps a balanced approach of giving enough information about the date through profiles, but not too much information that gives a reason to rule him/her out immediately would be a good compromise.

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