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dating an asshole

Finally! The Scientific Reason Why So Many Women Are Attracted To Assholes

January 7, 2015/in Date Stats /by Guest Blogger

It’s only logical to be attracted to kind people. However, it is also common knowledge that a lot of people go through a stage in their life where they keep finding themselves attracted to assholes (note that I use this term equally for men and women). Why oh why do we keep doing this to ourselves?! Well, thanks to studies conducted by social psychologists from the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya, the University of Rochester, and the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, we finally have some insight as to why the heck this is such a common problem, especially for straight women.
First, let me specify what exactly I mean when I say “asshole” in the context of this study. Obviously, this is not a scientific term; formally, the studies measured how attractive the opposite sex is to “responsive” people. “A responsive person is one that is supportive of another’s needs and goals,” explains Jen Stantisi, a writer for The Society of Personality and Social Psychology. Therefore:

asshole \as-ˌ(h)ōl\ n.  non-responsive; person who plays hard to get; person not outwardly expressive of their attraction to another

Being responsive to your partner is wildly important to a successful relationship — both emotionally and in the bedroom — but is it attractive from the get-go? At least for women, the answer seems to be a resounding “no.”
The study paired up men and women with a “responsive” and “non-responsive” partner and had them interact (you know, like a first date). After the interaction, the participants were asked to rate how masculine or feminine they perceived their partner to be, followed by how sexually attracted to them they were. Guess what?

Men rated their responsive female partners as more feminine and therefore more attractive. Women, however, did not find their responsive partners particularly masculine or feminine – and worse yet, being responsive was marginally but negatively associated with how attractive they found their male partner.

Yes, you read that right: the less responsive guys were (i.e. the bigger of an asshat they were), the more attractive women found them.
Ladies, how many times have you whined to your girl friends about how long it’s taken for a guy to text you back after a first or second date? Thousands, right? So, we have to admit that our alleged attraction to their evasive behavior is totally illogical. I mean, I get it, men are confusing; you have a great time on a date and when you text him afterwards, he seems weirdly nonchalant about it. But, as much as we hate to admit it, or whether or not we realize it, many of us enjoy the chase. As a feminist, this is disappointing for me to admit, but I like the challenge, finally “winning a guy over” gives me a confidence boost that I can’t find many other places. In reality, I think us ladies really do hate the chasing aspect of it, but we love finally catching up — even if we’re totally out of breath and exhausted.
Men, on the other hand, love being chased — it gives them what I assume to be a similar confidence boost to the one women get when the chase is over. And since women secretly (or not so secretly) like to do the chasing (or at least the catching up), and men like to be chased, it’s only logical that men would continue to behave in a way that makes women feel like they have to “chase” him.
Being open about your feelings in a budding relationship can be scary. Chances are, you’ve been hurt before and your first instinct is to protect yourself and your heart. However, what this study shows us, and what men may not realize, is that a woman’s ability to be open and honest about her feelings is attractive to men. Responsiveness (openness, empathy, kindness) are qualities that men innately look for in women. The study even shows that men find responsive, (therefore more feminine) women more sexually desirable.  We’ve all heard the theory that men love the “mean girls” — there’s a bestselling book called “Why Men Love Bitches” for Pete’s sake — but thankfully this study shows us that’s not true after all!
While the study explicitly asked women if they saw responsive men as less masculine and the common answer was no, it’s my personal opinion and experience that this isn’t quite accurate. Women I know, myself included, are often turned off by men that we see as effeminate, and unfortunately, because I think a lot of women see men who show their emotions right off the bat (responsive men) as feminine, we are less attracted to them. You could argue that this is simply basic human instinct; women search for strong, masculine men because they are likely to gather the most food and protect the group or family the best, ensuring the female and her offspring’s survival. Unfortunately, in our society, being masculine (or unfeminine at least) is often equated with being an asshole.
With a background in social psychology, I can’t say I’m surprised that I’m not alone in my hypothesis. Professor Gurit Birnbuam, lead researcher in this study, agrees.

Women may perceive [a responsive] person as inappropriately nice and manipulative (i.e., trying to obtain sexual favors) or eager to please, perhaps even as desperate, and therefore less sexually appealing. Alternatively, women may perceive a responsive man as vulnerable and less dominant.

But dudes, don’t take this as an excuse to be an asshole. Acting casual is different than being non-responsive. And ladies, don’t ever stop being honest about your feelings. While some might fear that this will make them seem “crazy,” — I hate when people call me that for being honest about my feelings — men actually find it more attractive. Bottom line, confidence is the sexiest trait you can find in any partner, man or woman, so be as casual as you want, but be confident in yourself, your desires, and your feelings for the people you meet. Trust me, it’s a lot easier than beating around the bush.
If you liked this post, check out Is Watching Porn When You’re In A Relationship Cheating?


About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB is a dating app designed with women in mind. Founded by 3 sisters in 2012 in NYC, CMB aims to deliver a fun, safe, and quality dating experience that results in meaningful relationships.

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After 330 Bagels, 57 Matches, 27 Dates, I Finally Found The One

November 30, 2014/in Dating in LA /by Guest Blogger

A Reflection On A Year Of Bagels

After eleven straight months on Coffee Meets Bagel, I’m happy to announce that I’ve just deactivated my account because I met a Bagel who puts every other Bagels to shame. This was a big step for me, because after almost a year of fishing in what felt like every ocean in the goddamn world, I made the conscious decision to make the journey back to dry land and hang up my fishing rod. For the time being, at least.

I’d like to have this post serve as a reflection on my last (almost) year on CMB. Eleven months on CMB means that I have said yes or no to at least 330 eligible men in Los Angeles. Some days were more carb-heavy than others, but I think 330 is a fair estimate. To put that number into perspective, I compared it to my social media stats. I’m honestly not even sure I have 330 Facebook friends. I barely have more than 330 Instagram posts. I definitely do not follow more than 330 people on Twitter. Coffee Meets Bagel has arguably been the only app I have actively used every single day for the last year. Yikes.

For any of you who do know me, you’ll know that I need a first & last name in all phone entries. If I don’t have access to your last name, your last name in my phone is bound to be where or how I met you. Rightly so, each Bagel I’ve ever exchanged numbers with has the last name of “Bagel” in my address book. In writing this post, I searched my address book with “Bagel” and came up with a grand total of 53 entries. Some had the same name (there were a lot of Johnny Bagels and Jason Bagels), but trust me – each entry, like a snowflake, was unique. Could I tell you what conversation I had with each Bagel? Absolutely not. Will some be forever seared into my memory? Hell yes. 53 Bagel entries means that I connected and exchanged numbers with 16% of the bagels I ever received. Can someone tell me if that’s a good or bad batting average?

Out of the 53 Bagels in my phone, I have gone on 22 bagel dates. Say it with me – oy. I don’t need to tell anyone out there how easy it is to go from having a harmless chat one day to never talking to that person ever again. Life gets in the way – people are working, they have other priorities – honestly, why would anyone prioritize getting to know someone they happened to meet online when there are so many other things to do? I truly believe that for each conversation to result in a date, both parties either have to be really into the other person (rarely the case) or they have to be bored enough to agree to a date. In my last year of dating, I can truthfully say that I have never moved anything around to accommodate a first bagel date, and I’ve actually cancelled a lot of them because I got tied up at work and couldn’t commit to a raincheck. That being said, however, I believe I will never know if I like someone until I actually go out and meet him. But, that also means that I averaged 2 dates with strangers per month.

Now here’s where things start to dwindle down. After going out on 22 bagel dates, I have only seen 4 bagels more than once. I’ve written entries about all of these bagels (except the latest one), so I won’t go into details, but they all dwindled away because there was no real connection and I could never justify making time to see them. And that’s the thing that I’ve always struggled with: finding someone that I genuinely wanted to prioritize in my life. When you’re balancing friends, family, and a demanding full-time job, you really have to like the person to fit him into your schedule. So, I’m considering it a freaking miracle that I met someone I actually enjoy scheduling into my life.

Needless to say, I think my last year of CMB has taught me that maybe the guys do have it right – maybe online dating really is a numbers game. I had to go through over three hundred bagels to find one that I liked enough to give a relationship a real shot. After countless of bagels, many awkward run-ins around town, awkward conversations, and even more awkward dates, it’s good to know that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it did take eleven months.

 


About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB is a dating app designed with women in mind. Founded by 3 sisters in 2012 in NYC, CMB aims to deliver a fun, safe, and quality dating experience that results in meaningful relationships.

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Get it on Google Play

Degrees and Dating

Here’s How Your MBA Is Affecting Your Love Life

January 11, 2014/in Date Stats /by CMB

Here at CMB, we know that our users are intelligent — you’re smart enough to have chosen us after all! Joking aside, what you may not know is that we are indeed, statistically, a favorite among highly educated professionals. Believe it or not, over 35% of our member base has a master’s degree or higher. Compare that to the national average of people with master’s degrees or higher at 12%, you guys are a bunch of smarty pants!

Naturally, we were curious to see if having a graduate degree, or other further degree, has any correlation to a member’s attractiveness and preferences. We looked at over 20 million matches and here’s what we found. Let’s start with the dudes.

Men & Their MBAs

MA Dating

Well check you guys out! Not only are you the second most liked degree, but you’re also pretty dang picky when it comes to who you LIKE on CMB! Don’t feel too bad about coming in second to the doctor bagels — they did go to school for like, 5 more years than you did. What’s weird though is that you guys surpass everyone else while you’ve spent the least amount of time in school post-undergrad. My theory is that I bet most of you have to wear suits to work and no man looks bad in a good suit. Extra points if you wear bow ties.

Women & Their MBAs

MA Dating

As always, men and women are as different as Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, and our study proves no exception. Almost opposite to what women prefer, men aren’t particularly hot for women with MBAs (or for women holding any other professional or other higher degrees)! Ladies with only their bachelor’s degree seem to catch their eye most often. Essentially, all of those extra years of school you endured were totally useless as far as your dating life is concerned (which is totally why you went back to school, isn’t it? wink wink). The good news is, we don’t think this is a sign that men don’t find high achieving women attractive — after all, female MDs were the second most liked. My hypothesis? Maybe the issue here is more related to age. Naturally, a woman with a PhD would be significantly older than a recent undergrad graduate, and you know how those men love those younger women — I’m totally rolling my eyes right now.

What’s interesting is that women holding only undergrad degrees were also the pickiest, followed again by MDs. I guess popular groups just have a sixth sense about these things and know they can be picky.

What’s Trending In The Profiles Of Bagels With MBAs?

Realizing that the type of degree someone holds has a clear impact on their attractiveness, I was curious if there is a distinctive way people with different degrees present themselves on their profiles. Are there words or phrases that are commonly used amongst bagels with their MBA?
We loved how OkCupid conducted a similar study (but with race), so we emulated their methodology in this study. We looked at all of our users who have a MBA’s profiles and isolated words and phrases in their profiles that were used most frequently. The results? Check out the chart below.
Terrell W. Orr
FYI – For those of you who are not familiar with Coffee Meets Bagel, here’s an example of what a member’s profile looks like on Coffee Meets Bagel (this is mine). The words used in the last three sections of the profile are what we used for this study.
MBA Dating

Oh how you business people can be so predictable: “corporate,” “start-ups,” “economist,” “counting,” “finance,” you’re obsessed with your jobs! However, it looks like MBAs also love to travel, and they have great taste in wine (in my opinion). If you’re searching for a fellow hottie with an MBA, you might want to check out your local bocce ball and squash courts; apparently businessmen and women enjoy really obscure lawn games.

We can’t be totally sure what’s going on here, but it sure is interesting. Overall, it looks like men are into women with less smarts than them (frowny face), and women lust after doctors and businessmen. What do you think?

If you liked this post, check out The Biological Reason Why He Or She Is Just Not That Into You.


Fill out my online form.

About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.

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Degrees and Dating

So You Passed The Bar Exam, But Do You Pass The Bar In The Dating Game?

January 12, 2010/in Date Stats /by Guest Blogger

Here at CMB, we know that our users are intelligent — you’re smart enough to have chosen us after all! Joking aside, what you may not know is that we are indeed, statistically, a favorite among highly educated professionals. Believe it or not, over 35% of our member base has a master’s degree or higher. Compare that to the national average of people with master’s degrees or higher at 12%, you guys are a bunch of smarty pants!

Naturally, we were curious to see if having a graduate degree, or other further degree, has any correlation to a member’s attractiveness and preferences. We looked at over 20 million matches and here’s what we found. Let’s start with the dudes.

Men & Their JD Degrees

MA Dating

The judicial system is (at least supposed to be) all about equality and fairness, right? So it only makes sense that you JD bagels fall right in the middle of both being LIKED and how picky you are. Equality for the win! While you’re third to doctor and business bagels, you’re still killing it ahead of PhD, bachelor’s and master’s holders — it looks like the ladies are partial to men with specific professions, and you guys are equally as picky. Keep up the equality gents!

Women & Their JD Degrees

MA Dating

Not too different from the men, you lady lawyers are situated right in the middle of all the other degrees, a continuation of my hypothesis about lawyers being fair and equal. However, you gals surpassed female MBA holders, where as ladies preferred MBA men ahead of JD guys. You also probably noticed that men are particularly hot for women who only have their bachelor’s. The good news is, we don’t think this is a sign that men don’t find high achieving women attractive — after all, female MDs were the second most liked. My hypothesis? Maybe the issue here is more related to age. Naturally, a woman with a JD or PhD will be older than a recent undergrad graduate, and you know how those men love those younger women — I’m totally rolling my eyes right now.

What’s Trending In The Profiles Of Bagels With JDs?

Realizing that the type of degree someone holds has a clear impact on their attractiveness, I was curious if there is a distinctive way people with different degrees present themselves on their profiles. Are there words or phrases that are commonly used amongst bagels with JDs?
We loved how OkCupid conducted a similar study (but with race), so we emulated their methodology in this study. We looked at all of our users who have JD’s profiles and isolated words and phrases in their profiles that were used most frequently. The results? Check out the chart below.
Terrell W. Orr
FYI – For those of you who are not familiar with Coffee Meets Bagel, here’s an example of what a member’s profile looks like on Coffee Meets Bagel (this is mine). The words used in the last three sections of the profile are what we used for this study.
Lawyers Dating

The trend of alluding to your profession/degree in your profile was recurring for each degree, but you law degree holders really take the cake. “Lawyer,” “law,” “justice,” “rights,” “legal,” even “oxford commas,” the list goes on. But according to our data, Lawyers are also raging meat lovers. I certainly can’t picture any lawyers I know on a trapeze or wearing jorts, but apparently those are things you guys are into. I’m only just a tad bit concerned about the trends of “whipping” and “bleeding.” I know lawyers can be scary, but that just brings it to a whole new level. Please don’t hurt yourselves (or anyone else).

We can’t be totally sure what’s going on here, but it sure is interesting. Overall, it looks like men are into women with less smarts than them (frowny face), and women lust after doctors and businessmen. What do you think?

If you liked this post, check out The Biological Reason Why He Or She Is Just Not That Into You.


Fill out my online form.

About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.

App Store
Get it on Google Play

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