~ The Blue Balls Bagel ~
This could be one of the most perplexing bagel stories I have ever told. Mainly because it’s been almost a month since it happened and I’m still wondering how I went on four dates and the most I ever got was an unenthusiastic side hug from this Bagel. While the owl asked, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”, I am now asking, “How many dates does it take to get a kiss?”
Backing up to the beginning, he was a very normal guy (they always are). The only thing that struck me as a bit weird was that he lived with 3 girls and seemed a little bit feminine. We used the same lip balm (and I don’t mean chap stick..I mean we both used the EOS lip balm that looks like a ball). But I was willing to overlook that part because he was so nice and I was curious to find out more.
Our first date was dinner. We ate, talked, and I wound up walking him to his car because I walked to the restaurant. Our second date was dessert. I greeted him and went in for the hug, but it was met with a sidestep into a half-assed side hug. Either way, I didn’t let it shake me. We walked around the neighborhood while we talked. Yet again, I wound up walking him back to his car because he happened to park closer than I did. We said goodbye and I was just met with another hug. At that point, I was pretty sure he didn’t like me.
As I had started to let this bagel go stale, I got a lot of text messages and appropriate Snapchats from him, to which I responded in equal enthusiasm out of courtesy. Eventually, he asked if I was free because “he had a surprise for me”.
What was this surprise date, you ask? He picked me up from my house, after showing up 15 minutes late because he fell asleep, on a Sunday evening and told me we were going to a cooking class! This is actually one of the cooler dates I’ve ever been on because I have never gone to a cooking class and have always wanted to try one. We were joking around during the class and made some pretty impressive food, if I do say so myself. The class ended around 8:30 and I assumed we were going to keep the night going until he said, “OK I’ll take you home now.” At this point, I’m so confused. Do I smell bad? Did I make offensive jokes?
In the car, I even went so far to ask if he had anything planned for the rest of the night [hint hint]. He said no and that he was planning on making his lunches for the rest of the week. Oh. That sounds super important. When we arrived at my place, I said thank you and gave him a hug, and, to my own mortification, lingered in the car until it was clear that nothing was going to happen. 3 dates and we are still at hugs.
At this point, I’m convinced he’s either gay or he just wants a friend. Why would he keep asking me to hang out if he found me repulsive? Even my friends had to say “maybe he’s just not that into you”. I became a less-psycho version of Maggie Gyllenhaal only slightly worse off because I couldn’t even get this guy to kiss me! Not even a small kiss on the forehead or a peck on the cheek.
Fast forward a couple days later, he asked me if I had plans the upcoming weekend, to which I said no. He basically invited himself over to my place to watch a movie and suggested we cook dinner. If that doesn’t say “first base”, I don’t know what does!
And here is where everything seemed to go wrong. He sent me a recipe knowing that I was home working, and suggested that I go out and pick up the ingredients, even though he is passing 3 grocery stores from his house to mine. But he planned the cooking class the week before, so I kind of owed him. I happily went to the store and told him to come around 7, to which he said, “Cool see you then”. 7 became 7:30 and I didn’t hear from him. At 7:35, he told me he was outside and when I opened up the front door for him, I don’t get a hug, I don’t get a hello, but I got a, “your place looks weird”. Oh. Thank you, captain obvious. You’re 35 minutes late. How about a “sorry I’m a bit late”?
I overlooked the unusual exchange and change the subject. We began to cook some dinner and I realized he is horrible in the kitchen. He was dropping food everywhere and I was making mental notes about which spots I would have to clean afterwards. As I cooked the meal, I suggested he pour some wine instead of wielding a knife and handed him two glasses. He poured a glass, then, as my hands were full with a pan of pasta and a couple plates, he handed me the bottle as he drank from the glass he just poured. Good thing I have a mutant third hand coming out of my sternum that could take this bottle of wine and pour myself a glass.
We ate dinner and he seemed happy. I popped in the movie and we sat next to each other on the couch. He grabbed the life-size Ted in my living room and then hugged Ted for the entire length of the movie. I was doing everything possible – leaning in, shifting closer, playful arm touching; what am I left with? Nothing. By the end of the movie, Ted got more action than I did. Bastard.
I was convinced the night was lost and there was no point in even trying. The movie was over, it was 1 am, and I wanted to go to bed by myself. But he didn’t want to leave and suggested we watch some TV. Oh, could it be that he was waiting for the movie to end before he made his move? Nope. Because he just took Ted back into his arms and spooned him all over again. He finally left at 2:30 AM, after much of my obvious yawning, and as I walked him out, he went in for the not-so-sexy, yet sadly expected side hug and said we should do it again soon.
Guys, there is such a thing as being too forward and there is also such a thing as playing hard-to-get too much, but please try to read the signs and find a happy medium. No one should have a Blue Balls Bagel.
If you want another sad story, read about the Stripper Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
~ The Blue Balls Bagel ~