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Story From A Member: When You Can't Get Away Fast Enough

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~ The Chef Bagel ~
It’s been quite a while since I’ve blogged about my fabulous dating adventures because my life got in the way of my dating momentum. However, here’s a gem for you, girls and boys!

I liked this man on CMB because he was attractive and his profile led me to believe that he was a chef. In fact, he himself referred to himself as “the chef from CMB”. For a girl who loves food, this fact was incredibly appealing. A man who can always feed me? What more can anyone want? We connected and his opening line was, “You’re so cute! Let’s get a drink!” and on a whim, I blindly accepted. We hastily exchanged numbers and set up a time and a place.
He suggested a bar in Culver City because he was friends with the bartender. I agreed and said that I’d be going straight from work. He said that it was fine and that he’d be coming from work too. We met at 8 PM and I was famished after a long twelve hour work day. Upon meeting up, I immediately asked if he had eaten already (obviously hinting that I wanted to get some food going before I get too drunk) and he said that he had previously eaten, so he was full and that we should concentrate on drinking. He did not ask me if I had eaten or if I wanted to get some food. What kind of self-proclaimed Chef doesn’t care about the state of their companion’s stomach – especially at a prime eating hour like 8 PM?! I manned up and grabbed a drink, hoping that his charming personality and intriguing conversation would suppress my hunger. Sadly, that was not the case.
Let’s rewind a bit. Chef Bagel actually referred to himself as a Chef [BAGEL]. Logically, I asked if he went to culinary school. He said no. Strangely enough, his reasoning for being a chef boiled down to his spending a few months studying abroad in Italy back in college and learning how to cook from an Italian nonna, if you will. She taught him how to make a lot of pasta and various other delicious Italian foods. Thus, he is now a chef. I grew up helping my mom cook for the first 17 years of my life. Do I get to call myself a chef?
Without giving too much away about this bagel, let’s just say that he does not work in a restaurant, nor should he really be calling himself a chef. At least not with a capital C. Maybe only if it’s used in the ironic way.
Sadly, in the two hours I spent with him, he did not ask me one single question about the kinds of things I liked to do, where I was from, or really anything else about me. He did, however, tell me many stories that were the epitome of the #humblebrag and was sadly met with an unenthusiastic look on my face.
All of these notes could have been small bumps in the road that could have been overlooked, but here comes the kicker. He started to tell me that I had “Asian sarcasm” (is that even a thing?) and then he asked me “what I was”. This is one of the questions I hate being asked the most. Why does it matter what ethnicity I am? And if you can’t even ask that in a direct question, maybe you shouldn’t be asking it at all. After telling him that I was Chinese, he proceeded to immediately tell me that he cooks Asian-themed food in the cooking classes he teaches. Before I could stop myself, I had to ask what exactly he cooked. The Oriental Menu From The Far East Included: sushi, chicken teriyaki, egg rolls, orange chicken, and beef & broccoli. Awesome. It’s a combination of the Sarku Japan and Panda Express you find at the local mall. That’s totally traditional. When I swallowed down a scoff, he then proceeded to tell me how to properly and traditionally cook orange chicken. But don’t worry, he learned how to make this from the internet.
To top things off, he told me that his ideal woman would stay at home and cook for him. That’s funny, because my ideal man would stay at home and cook for me. Does that make things awkward…?
Fill out my online form.

About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.

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SCSB, Spinster For Life

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I’m taking a slightly different approach to my normal blogs about dating horror stories to take some time to reflect on a trend I actually see a lot of my friends going through (including myself). I won’t get too deep, so just follow me on this thought process.
In order to provide context to what I’m about to say, I think I should provide some background. I recently turned 25 years old and have been officially single since January of this year. 8 months now marks the longest time I’ve ever been single since I was a junior in high school. Is this sad or is this liberating? I’m not exactly sure. I have unfortunately made enough bad decisions in my dating life to be known as the girl who can never be alone. We all have that friend, and I, unfortunately, was that friend for a long time. But now that I’ve embarked on the long voyage to the place that is my single life, I’m realizing that I have some basic standards that I’m just not willing to compromise. I’ve learned enough about myself during this time to be fully comfortable with my independence and actually revel in it more often than not. And most importantly, I’ve learned to put myself first.
This isn’t meant to be a post written in support of the single life, because I’m obviously still on the Bagels, going on dates, and not finding the one that I want to see more than once; at the same time, it’s not a post written in support of dating the world until you find someone who wants to see you more than once. It’s instead a post about trying to be as true to yourself as you can, and trusting in the fact that if it’s right, it will work out. This post is meant to uplift those of you who are like me, and sometimes struggle with wondering what exactly it is that you want and how you’re going to get it.
Throughout my own process of finding myself, I’ve had many talks with many single girl and guy friends, and all of us have come to the conclusion that it’s okay to not really know what you want from a relationship off the bat, but it’s not okay to not know what you want from yourself and your own life. A wise friend told me that she’ll be ready to date when she’s at a good spot in her life and knows who she is. I admire her courage to say that and agree that getting into a relationship when you’re finding yourself may not, in fact, be the best way to find yourself. We all struggle with putting ourselves out there. After my first few failed dates on CMB, I will even admit that my willingness to go on another one waned a bit and the idea of staying home in my sweatpants seemed more appealing (it doesn’t hurt that I have some really great pairs of sweatpants). We all know friends who take dating a bit too seriously, putting a lot of imaginary weight on a guy they have never met in person, and then feeling the disappointment when he’s not what she expected. I like to live by the ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’ rule, coupled by the ‘one egg for every egg he puts in’ theorem. That way, you don’t lose anything that you don’t invest, and you only invest when you know he (or she) is investing back in you. We all need a bit of a reality check sometimes, right?
I’ve always been the type of person who puts her job first before her personal life, to many of my exes’s dismay. My ambition to achieve personal goals has always been a big part of my personality and guys who don’t respect and, dare I say, like that part of me, don’t last very long. So after a few failed relationships, I realized that I need an equally independent counterpart who works more than I do so I don’t feel guilty when I tell him I can’t meet up for dinner until after 8 PM. My time as a single girl has allowed me to be more comfortable in doing what I really want to be doing and doing the things that are most important to me. I can be alone when I want to be alone, see the people who really matter to me, and focus on trying things that make me happy. Do I sometimes look at couples walking down the street and wish for something like that? Sure, but I also know that if it’s not the right guy, I’m not going to be happy even if I do have that. I also know that when I do find the right guy, giving up small things here and there won’t feel like I’m giving anything up.
I suppose what I’ve been getting at this entire post is that it’s okay to say no to somebody if there’s no connection. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t give people a shot, because you only know if there’s a connection if you give it an honestly try. However, we should all stay true to ourselves and trust that things will work out, because we’re ultimately looking for the same thing – to be happy by yourself and to find someone who makes you even happier.
There’s that, or you stay in sweatpants all day and get a bunch of cats.
XOXO,
SCSB

Story From A Member: How Many Dates Does It Take To Get A Kiss?

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~ The Blue Balls Bagel ~
This could be one of the most perplexing bagel stories I have ever told. Mainly because it’s been almost a month since it happened and I’m still wondering how I went on four dates and the most I ever got was an unenthusiastic side hug from this Bagel. While the owl asked, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”, I am now asking, “How many dates does it take to get a kiss?”

Backing up to the beginning, he was a very normal guy (they always are). The only thing that struck me as a bit weird was that he lived with 3 girls and seemed a little bit feminine. We used the same lip balm (and I don’t mean chap stick..I mean we both used the EOS lip balm that looks like a ball). But I was willing to overlook that part because he was so nice and I was curious to find out more.

Our first date was dinner. We ate, talked, and I wound up walking him to his car because I walked to the restaurant. Our second date was dessert. I greeted him and went in for the hug, but it was met with a sidestep into a half-assed side hug. Either way, I didn’t let it shake me. We walked around the neighborhood while we talked. Yet again, I wound up walking him back to his car because he happened to park closer than I did. We said goodbye and I was just met with another hug. At that point, I was pretty sure he didn’t like me.

As I had started to let this bagel go stale, I got a lot of text messages and appropriate Snapchats from him, to which I responded in equal enthusiasm out of courtesy. Eventually, he asked if I was free because “he had a surprise for me”.

What was this surprise date, you ask? He picked me up from my house, after showing up 15 minutes late because he fell asleep, on a Sunday evening and told me we were going to a cooking class! This is actually one of the cooler dates I’ve ever been on because I have never gone to a cooking class and have always wanted to try one. We were joking around during the class and made some pretty impressive food, if I do say so myself. The class ended around 8:30 and I assumed we were going to keep the night going until he said, “OK I’ll take you home now.”  At this point, I’m so confused. Do I smell bad? Did I make offensive jokes?

In the car, I even went so far to ask if he had anything planned for the rest of the night [hint hint]. He said no and that he was planning on making his lunches for the rest of the week. Oh. That sounds super important. When we arrived at my place, I said thank you and gave him a hug, and, to my own mortification, lingered in the car until it was clear that nothing was going to happen. 3 dates and we are still at hugs.

At this point, I’m convinced he’s either gay or he just wants a friend. Why would he keep asking me to hang out if he found me repulsive? Even my friends had to say “maybe he’s just not that into you”. I became a less-psycho version of Maggie Gyllenhaal only slightly worse off because I couldn’t even get this guy to kiss me! Not even a small kiss on the forehead or a peck on the cheek.

Fast forward a couple days later, he asked me if I had plans the upcoming weekend, to which I said no. He basically invited himself over to my place to watch a movie and suggested we cook dinner. If that doesn’t say “first base”, I don’t know what does!

And here is where everything seemed to go wrong. He sent me a recipe knowing that I was home working, and suggested that I go out and pick up the ingredients, even though he is passing 3 grocery stores from his house to mine. But he planned the cooking class the week before, so I kind of owed him. I happily went to the store and told him to come around 7, to which he said, “Cool see you then”. 7 became 7:30 and I didn’t hear from him. At 7:35, he told me he was outside and when I opened up the front door for him, I don’t get a hug, I don’t get a hello, but I got a, “your place looks weird”. Oh. Thank you, captain obvious. You’re 35 minutes late. How about a “sorry I’m a bit late”?

I overlooked the unusual exchange and change the subject. We began to cook some dinner and I realized he is horrible in the kitchen. He was dropping food everywhere and I was making mental notes about which spots I would have to clean afterwards. As I cooked the meal, I suggested he pour some wine instead of wielding a knife and handed him two glasses. He poured a glass, then, as my hands were full with a pan of pasta and a couple plates, he handed me the bottle as he drank from the glass he just poured. Good thing I have a mutant third hand coming out of my sternum that could take this bottle of wine and pour myself a glass.

We ate dinner and he seemed happy. I popped in the movie and we sat next to each other on the couch. He grabbed the life-size Ted in my living room and then hugged Ted for the entire length of the movie. I was doing everything possible – leaning in, shifting closer, playful arm touching; what am I left with? Nothing. By the end of the movie, Ted got more action than I did. Bastard.

I was convinced the night was lost and there was no point in even trying. The movie was over, it was 1 am, and I wanted to go to bed by myself. But he didn’t want to leave and suggested we watch some TV. Oh, could it be that he was waiting for the movie to end before he made his move? Nope. Because he just took Ted back into his arms and spooned him all over again. He finally left at 2:30 AM, after much of my obvious yawning, and as I walked him out, he went in for the not-so-sexy, yet sadly expected side hug and said we should do it again soon.
Guys, there is such a thing as being too forward and there is also such a thing as playing hard-to-get too much, but please try to read the signs and find a happy medium. No one should have a Blue Balls Bagel.
If you want another sad story, read about the Stripper Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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Story From A Member: Too Many Feels, Not Enough Time

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~ The Feels Bagel ~

This is the story of a bagel who needs to make like Elsa and just let it go. (It’s fitting, I promise, but I also did just want to use this gif).

Let me rewind and say that I connected with Feels Bagel on a whim because he looked like a nice guy, wasn’t younger than I was (which has been a recent problem), and was a programmer. We chatted for a bit about how we both had to work during the Super Bowl to make sure our campaigns ran correctly, then decided to meet up for a post-game dinner.

He was really nice, seemed a little too enthusiastic, which made me think he was slightly left of straight, but we discussed our jobs, our families, the normal stuff. Then out of the blue, he said, “So my last relationship was May 2011,” and proceeded to tell me all about it. Over the next 15 minutes, I fought his fights and I cried his tears. After feeling emotionally drained from the Sparknotes of his last relationship, I was asked the following question: “When was your last relationship?” Before I could respond with an answer, my sarcasm got the best of me. “Sorry, I forgot to circle the date of my last break up on my mental calendar.” Woops.

Quickly trying to recover, I bit my tongue and used more brain cells trying to muster an accurate date than I had used all day. I told him a ballpark guesstimate of a year and he then asked what went wrong. Is it just me, or is this conversation getting a little heavy for someone I met 30 minutes ago? I literally met him an episode of How I Met Your Mother ago, and he’s asking me Mosby questions. Doing my best to dodge this inquisition, he wound up telling me about what happened in all of his past relationships and what he’s been doing since then.

When I finally thought I was free, I get this: “How many times have you said ‘I love you’?” Dude…are you for real? I once again gave him a general number, feeling incredibly uncomfortable as a girl who does not like to feel the feels, let alone talk about the feels. I deflect in the only way I know best, and he leaps in and tells me about how he’s only said the “L word” to one girl who happened to never be his girlfriend. Once again, he told me all the details of this fleeting relationship and I didn’t really know what to say, so I smiled and nodded and kept on eating.

I’m sure there’s someone out there who can love Feels Bagel, wipe away his tears, and big-spoon him into comfort. I, however, am not that person.

Read more about my other Bagel Adventures!!

If you enjoyed this post, perhaps you’ll want to read SCSB’s Island of Lost Bagels.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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SCSB's Island of Lost Bagels

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I wanted to take a quick break in bagel stories to reflect upon some of my best Bagel interactions. Like snowflakes, each one is unique and holds significant value. So, welcome to what I like to call the Island of Lost Bagels. The place where communication fails with Bagels who never really could grow up.

The Unemployed Bagel

Bagel: Hey! Nice to meet you. Would love to take you to coffee round 3 today.
Me: Oh…I’m at work at 3 PM today. It’s a Monday!
B: How about tomorrow round 2? Or Thursday round 4?
M: Still at work…

The Negligible Bagel

Bagel: Let’s go try a ballroom class!
Me: Sounds great – let me know when you’re free
B: Ballroom dance West LA is only open on Tuesdays..
M: Guess we’ll have to find a Tuesday then!
B: You aren’t very proactive about this scheduling thing are you

This is comical if you know how much of a scheduling tyrant I am.

Unresponsive Bagels (Case Studies 1-3)

Bagel 1: Are you into sports? Football playoffs today :) !
Me: I’m actually watching the playoffs now! Go Niners! What sports do you like to watch?

Guess you don’t like the 49ers. 

Bagel 2: I have to say, I rely on other people to get me to try new things. I find what works and stick with it, so having adventurous friends is a plus!
Me: Really? I love trying new food. I’m pretty lucky in that most of my friends like to also, so we’re always down to try new places. What’s one of your favorite go-to meals?

So..you don’t like to eat? 

Bagel 3: Sorry for the late response! Long day in the lab and I just dropped a friend off at LAX. How was your New Years?
Me: No worries! It was good – pretty chill. Laid low for the night with some friends. What did you do?

Your New Years was that crazy, huh?

The Raver Bagel

Bagel: I’m going to White Wonderland for New Years!
Me: Oh man…did you find white pants?
B: Haha I had them from last year! Do you like raves?
M: No, not really my thing, but a lot of my friends are going to be at White Wonderland this year.
B: Wait..so do you not like drinking? Or dancing? Or having fun?!

I missed the memo that said people only have fun when they’re at raves. Sorry. 

The Existential Bagel

Bagel: You just met this bagel. Hi.
Me: Thank you for identifying yourself as the bagel of the day.
B: I’m the coffee. You’re the bagel.
M: I think we’re both bagels. Does that mean we’re both coffees?
B: Whoa.

Hope you enjoyed reading these as much as I didn’t enjoy realizing that this was now my life.
 
If you enjoyed this post, perhaps you’ll want to read When You’re on a Date…Squirrel
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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Story From A Member: When You're On A Date … SQUIRREL

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~ The Amazeballs Bagel ~

What can I say about The Amazeballs Bagel? Many unusual things struck me, but did not deter me nor raise any significant flags:

  • Our text messages would seem to quickly jump from topic to topic. For example, he would say, “I’m at the drug store buying $50 worth of floss to use up my 2013 FSA.” Before I could respond, I receive a “…SO when are you free to hang out???”
  • He was 33 and went to a rave for New Years. Sorry, but at that point, shouldn’t you be out-untzed?
  • Many of his messages began with a “…” and note that no prior text message ended with a “…” nor was the “…” ever truly necessary.

Regardless, I agreed to a date. We met up and he was the first bagel I could actually banter and joke around with. There was minimal judgement passed, and he did not share that he dropped $10k on strippers, so in my book, he was golden. He even dropped a funny from time to time. However, he started to pepper the word “amazeballs” into conversation but was very serious in his delivery. When I called him out on it, he claimed his boss said it a lot so it stuck with him and I assumed he was doing it to be ironic in some way. But after the twentieth “amazeballs”, I realized he actually just says it a lot.

The conversation ADD really kicked in, though, when it took him a good 45 minutes to tell me a 10-minutes-tops story because he kept getting sidetracked by his own stories. I’m all for a stream of consciousness, but that’s slightly excessive when I’m wondering at the end of the story why we’re even talking about it in the first place.

The evening comes to an end because my parking was going to run out (the best excuse ever when you live in a city like Los Angeles), and I said I had to go. He walked me to my car and said, “I think we should see each other again.” I nodded indifferently. “Is it going to happen?” I just nodded, buddy, chill out. He then gave me a kiss on the cheek and as I was saying goodbye, he cut me off and said, “You’re so cute!!!!”

I drove home confused at the last thirty minutes of interaction and proceeded to engage in the weirdest post-date text conversation ever:

Bagel: Text me when you get home and all that crap.
Me: Just got home. Thanks again for tonight!
B: What are you wearing?
M: Uh…the same thing I wore 10 minutes ago when you saw me drive away.
B: You dirty dirty girl
[I swear you make one balls joke after he says ‘amazeballs’ and you’re automatically a slut]
B: We’re eating dinner on Sunday.
M: What?
B: Dinner. Sunday.
M: You’re not even going to ask if I’m free?
B: Oh. Fine. Are you free?
M: No…I have plans.
B: Great. Brunch. Sunday.
M: No…I still have plans.
B: Well I leave on Wednesday. Figure something out. I will tell you the whole taking advantage of me at dinner thing won’t happen.
M: Noted.
B: You’re cute!
M: You have a short attention span.

I’m still so confused and exhausted. Sadly, the only word I’m left with is “amazeballs”.

Want to know more about my dating adventures? Maybe you’ll like The Pretentious Bagel.

About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.

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Story From A Member: The Most Distracting Surprise Ever

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~ The Bagel With The Dragon Tattoo ~
A few months ago, I met a bagel who, if I had a ‘checklist’, would have met 90% of the requirements:

  • Good job? Check. He even works more hours than I do.
  • Drives a car? Check. Sadly, this is actually something we have to put on the checklist in LA.
  • Good family relationship? Check.
  • Doesn’t live in certain area codes that I’m banned from? Check. (Don’t ask..it’ll be a later post)
  • Similar interests? Check. He seems to be my type of adventurous.
  • Love of hip hop? Check. We share similar views on Drake, Tupac, and Eminem.
  • Love of food? Check. We talked about restaurants for an hour straight.

In order for me to do this post justice, I should also explain that he looked like someone I could bring home to Mom. He was what you would describe as a “nice looking Asian boy”. Every Asian mother’s dream!
A few dates in, we were hanging out at my place and we were just discussing how neither one of us is really traditionally “Asian”. I barely speak Chinese, he doesn’t at all, and we both don’t really identify with the culture as much as some of our other friends do. Then, as things were getting a little bit heavy, his shirt came off and low and behold, there lied a very Asian tattoo right on his chest, staring me in the face. And boy, was that tattoo big.
Now, I love a good tattoo just as much as the next girl. However, something about this tattoo really jumped out at me and made me stop dead in my tracks and hold back laughter. Maybe it was how big it was. Maybe it was what it actually was (it wasn’t a dragon, by the way). Maybe it was just the juxtaposition of his personality and the tattoo. I know, that’s kind of mean, but it’s just really funny when you imagine a nice Asian boy who just told you how un-Asian he is, then BAM, it’s like I’m hanging out with a Triad member.
This could probably be seen as a ‘bad boy’ element that gives him a bit of edge, which I’m sure his future girlfriend would love. I, on the other hand, could not stop the many questions that raced into my mind (When did you get it? Why is it so big? Do your parents know? What are you going to do when you’re 70? What does it mean? Are you actually part of a Triad? If so, can you induct me? Would I have to get a tattoo as well?) and unfortunately my habit of word-vomit came over and I actually did ask him 20 questions about the tattoo.
Sadly, I decided that the fact that I could never take him seriously with his shirt off was probably a good reason for me to not go down this path toward the Forbidden City. Sorry, Bagel With The Dragon Tattoo, I am positive you will find a great girl because you’re a great guy. I’m just the asshole who can’t get past that tat.
 
If you enjoyed this post, perhaps you’ll want to read When You’re on a Date…Squirrel
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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The Pretentious Bagel

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Bagel #2 came as an unfortunate ‘like’ because I felt bad for judging others based off 3 pictures and 50 words. Should have gone with my intuition.
This fatass (me) was only swayed to meet up with Bagel because he suggested one of my favorite restaurants in Downtown LA. I figured at the worst, I would leave full and satisfied from a good meal. The best thing all night was by far the food.
So as to not recant this tale in paragraph form, I will share some highlights that pretty much summed up my night:

  • Upon arrival, he asked if I had ever been to that restaurant. I said yes and that I loved the food, then asked if he had been there as well. He replied with: “No, I haven’t, but I’ve heard good things. Though I must admit, I am a food snob, so my standards are quite high. I don’t like what everyone else normally likes. For example, I don’t like the Halal Guys in New York.” Dafuq?! Who doesn’t like the Halal Guys?
  • “I should tell you, I’m not feminine, but I have very strong intuition. We’ll see how this restaurant, and you, fare.” Wow. Sorry I didn’t bring my resume. Didn’t know I was on a job interview. 
  • However, when I did tell him about my career path and what I did after graduating college (nothing crazy special, in my opinion), he says, “Wow! That’s really impressive for a girl like you.” At this point, I think some food came out and I was too interested in eating than I was at asking him what that was supposed to mean.
  • When I told him I could never get into Breaking Bad (I know, I’m weird. I gave it 5 episodes and just never got into it. Maybe it just wasn’t my thing), I was met with a shocked: “What?! You have horrible taste in television. Breaking Bad is arguably one of the best-written shows ever created. Wow. We have to change the subject now.” Sorry, bro. Good thing I didn’t tell you I watched KUWTK on a regular basis…would have loved to hear your opinion on that. Not.
  • [Unrelated observation] He ate like a mouse and I wound up eating more than he did. If you can’t out-eat me, you can’t have my respect.
  • “I have to be honest with you…I used to be a brat when I was a kid. I would be like [begins to pout and cross his arms and shake his head] at everything.” That impression was way too good and natural to be using the past tense in his statement. He obviously makes that face on the regular. 
  • When the bill came, I insisted to split it because I don’t like it when people pay for me. He allowed my card on the check, but put his hand over it as if he was going to remove my card at the last minute when the waiter came. However, when the waiter came, up went his hand and there remained my card. I have no issue splitting the cost of food, but don’t make a poor show of it. You’re not winning an Oscar anytime soon with that acting…
  • As we were walking back to our cars, my bag slipped off my shoulder and hit the ground. By reflex, I apologized and said that I was a clumsy mess. I was met with: “Oh it’s not really your fault. Your shoes aren’t really conducive to walking properly.” Note that my low-heeled booties were just fine and I was walking very normally. I just have slopey shoulders.

When I returned home, convinced I never wanted to talk to him again, I received this friendly text message:

“[My name]. I’m skipping any 3 day rule to be frank. I like you. I’d like to watch Frozen in 3d with you sometime; if you’re interested. Let’s discuss later.” I have to note that Frozen was the one movie we were able to agree was phenomenal.

Thanks, Pretentious Bagel, for validating me. Because you deem me worthy of seeing again, I can now rest easy and feel better about myself. Good riddance.
 
Want to know about my other date? Perhaps you’ll want to find out about The Stripper Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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The Stripper Bagel

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I was a few days into the app, still bright-eyed and bushy-bageled, eager to find out who I would get the next day and whether or not we would be connected. And finally, as if sent from the head baker himself, I was matched with a bagel! Everyone, please meet Stripper Bagel.
Stripper Bagel and I texted for a couple of days before meeting up. Conversation was normal, nothing too alarming or surprising. He was a big nerd (just the way I like them) and was a computer programmer at a building not too far from where I worked, so knowing we shared the same zip code both made me equally excited for the possibilities and weary for the probabilities.
We decided to meet up after work at a local bar, grab some drinks and maybe play some pool. I got there first, ordered a beer, gave the waitress my card to hold. Apparently he did the same and we realized we were a couple booths away from each other without knowing it. Talk about a meet cute. We chatted for a bit and I could tell he was a little bit nervous, but we kept conversation light and humorous. Discussions ranged from jobs to music and all seemed to go well. Until he said:

“So…Promise not to judge me, okay? I have to tell you something.”

I’m thinking, “What could you possibly have to confess to me when we’re 1 hour into meeting each other?” What I said was, “Oh I’m definitely not going to promise that. But tell me your story.” And this is what I got:

“I went to Vegas with a few buddies and coworkers of mine and, promise not to judge, but I went to my first strip club on Saturday night after the club. I was really drunk and when all of my friends went back to the room after the club, I ran into a coworker who wanted to go to Sapphire. I guess I was so drunk, I blacked out after I walked through the doors.
“When I came to, the sun was out and I was leaving Sapphire. I hailed a cab, went back to the room, and passed out for a few hours. When I woke up, I got a few emails from American Express telling me there was suspected fraudulent activity. I checked my account online and realized I had charges from Sapphire amounting to a total of ten thousand dollars. I called AmEx and disputed the charges, but I’m waiting for them to follow up with me. Oh man, if I end up having to pay it, I guess that’s fine because I have money saved up, but I just wish I remembered what happened.
“Phew. It is so good to be able to tell someone this. I haven’t told anyone and it’s stressing me out.”

Now, when faced with a story like that, here’s what comes to mind:

  • Laughter. A lot of guttural laughter. Check. He didn’t join in with me, though…
  • Wow. Did you actually purchase the strip club? Or at least a few strippers in a sort of indentured servitude agreement? Said this, but I don’t think he found that much humor in it. He must not have the pink slip to neither the strip club nor the strippers.
  • Did you father some stripper babies? Said this too, only to be met with an expression that told me he actually did not think about this possibility. Whoops.
  • You might want to go get tested just in case… Because of the reaction to the statement above, I opted to keep this one to myself.
  • It’s good that you at least have $10k saved up to spend on strippers. Said this too, but was really thinking: It’s unfortunate that you’re weirdly okay with the possibility of spending that much money on strippers during a night you don’t even remember. 
  • Do you still have your card? How can you claim fraudulent activity if you know you were there and you still have the card in hand? I said this because it’s morally questionable. However, it looks like he reverted to his survival instincts of self-preservation.
  • Why, oh for the love of all things holy, why would you choose me of all people to tell this story to? I guess I just made him feel comfortable. Or he thought the date was going so badly he had absolutely nothing to lose. For those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother, this could be his version of the Naked Man. This can be called the Shameful Man.

I tuned out after that story and applauded myself for getting such a winner on my first bagel date. Oh, and to put the cherry on top, when the bill came, we told the waitress to split the tab. My card came back, but his was declined. Those damn strippers.
Want to know about my other date? Perhaps you’ll want to find out about The Pretentious Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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Spilled Coffee & Stale Bagels, Signing On

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Hey, CMB Community!
I wanted to take this first post and quickly introduce myself and how I wound up writing for this blog. I’m a 24-year-old single girl living in Los Angeles, and have sadly and quite humorously collected my fair share of dating horror stories over the last few years. After a few failed non-relationships that can only be described as ‘typically millennial’, I decided to suck it up and join Coffee Meets Bagel, because what’s the worst that can happen?
After going on my first few bagel dates, I wound up telling my friends about these ridiculous encounters, only to be met with laughter and incredulous looks. At some point, you have to laugh to stop yourself from crying, right? Shortly following my fifth time telling the same story, I decided to chronicle my bagel misadventures in a blog so that everyone can live vicariously through me as I continue to swim in the sea of many fish, looking for my Moby Dick (all puns intended).
Four months later, here I am, with more than a baker’s dozen of stale bagels and many cups of spilled coffee. So, please join me and keep checking back in to see if I make it through the carbs and find myself a Tide stick.
 
Want to find out how my dates go? Let’s start off with The Stripper Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
App Store