I was a few days into the app, still bright-eyed and bushy-bageled, eager to find out who I would get the next day and whether or not we would be connected. And finally, as if sent from the head baker himself, I was matched with a bagel! Everyone, please meet Stripper Bagel.
Stripper Bagel and I texted for a couple of days before meeting up. Conversation was normal, nothing too alarming or surprising. He was a big nerd (just the way I like them) and was a computer programmer at a building not too far from where I worked, so knowing we shared the same zip code both made me equally excited for the possibilities and weary for the probabilities.
We decided to meet up after work at a local bar, grab some drinks and maybe play some pool. I got there first, ordered a beer, gave the waitress my card to hold. Apparently he did the same and we realized we were a couple booths away from each other without knowing it. Talk about a meet cute. We chatted for a bit and I could tell he was a little bit nervous, but we kept conversation light and humorous. Discussions ranged from jobs to music and all seemed to go well. Until he said:
“So…Promise not to judge me, okay? I have to tell you something.”
I’m thinking, “What could you possibly have to confess to me when we’re 1 hour into meeting each other?” What I said was, “Oh I’m definitely not going to promise that. But tell me your story.” And this is what I got:
“I went to Vegas with a few buddies and coworkers of mine and, promise not to judge, but I went to my first strip club on Saturday night after the club. I was really drunk and when all of my friends went back to the room after the club, I ran into a coworker who wanted to go to Sapphire. I guess I was so drunk, I blacked out after I walked through the doors.
“When I came to, the sun was out and I was leaving Sapphire. I hailed a cab, went back to the room, and passed out for a few hours. When I woke up, I got a few emails from American Express telling me there was suspected fraudulent activity. I checked my account online and realized I had charges from Sapphire amounting to a total of ten thousand dollars. I called AmEx and disputed the charges, but I’m waiting for them to follow up with me. Oh man, if I end up having to pay it, I guess that’s fine because I have money saved up, but I just wish I remembered what happened.
“Phew. It is so good to be able to tell someone this. I haven’t told anyone and it’s stressing me out.”
Now, when faced with a story like that, here’s what comes to mind:
- Laughter. A lot of guttural laughter. Check. He didn’t join in with me, though…
- Wow. Did you actually purchase the strip club? Or at least a few strippers in a sort of indentured servitude agreement? Said this, but I don’t think he found that much humor in it. He must not have the pink slip to neither the strip club nor the strippers.
- Did you father some stripper babies? Said this too, only to be met with an expression that told me he actually did not think about this possibility. Whoops.
- You might want to go get tested just in case… Because of the reaction to the statement above, I opted to keep this one to myself.
- It’s good that you at least have $10k saved up to spend on strippers. Said this too, but was really thinking: It’s unfortunate that you’re weirdly okay with the possibility of spending that much money on strippers during a night you don’t even remember.
- Do you still have your card? How can you claim fraudulent activity if you know you were there and you still have the card in hand? I said this because it’s morally questionable. However, it looks like he reverted to his survival instincts of self-preservation.
- Why, oh for the love of all things holy, why would you choose me of all people to tell this story to? I guess I just made him feel comfortable. Or he thought the date was going so badly he had absolutely nothing to lose. For those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother, this could be his version of the Naked Man. This can be called the Shameful Man.
I tuned out after that story and applauded myself for getting such a winner on my first bagel date. Oh, and to put the cherry on top, when the bill came, we told the waitress to split the tab. My card came back, but his was declined. Those damn strippers.
Want to know about my other date? Perhaps you’ll want to find out about The Pretentious Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.