Coffee Meets Bagel
  • Home
  • Careers
    • CMB Culture
    • Open Positions
  • Blog
  • Help Center
  • Press
  • Terms, Privacy, & Copyright
  • Menu
You are here: Home / baddate

Posts

Story From A Member: How Many Dates Does It Take To Get A Kiss?

July 14, 2014/in Dating in LA /by Guest Blogger

~ The Blue Balls Bagel ~
This could be one of the most perplexing bagel stories I have ever told. Mainly because it’s been almost a month since it happened and I’m still wondering how I went on four dates and the most I ever got was an unenthusiastic side hug from this Bagel. While the owl asked, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”, I am now asking, “How many dates does it take to get a kiss?”

Backing up to the beginning, he was a very normal guy (they always are). The only thing that struck me as a bit weird was that he lived with 3 girls and seemed a little bit feminine. We used the same lip balm (and I don’t mean chap stick..I mean we both used the EOS lip balm that looks like a ball). But I was willing to overlook that part because he was so nice and I was curious to find out more.

Our first date was dinner. We ate, talked, and I wound up walking him to his car because I walked to the restaurant. Our second date was dessert. I greeted him and went in for the hug, but it was met with a sidestep into a half-assed side hug. Either way, I didn’t let it shake me. We walked around the neighborhood while we talked. Yet again, I wound up walking him back to his car because he happened to park closer than I did. We said goodbye and I was just met with another hug. At that point, I was pretty sure he didn’t like me.

As I had started to let this bagel go stale, I got a lot of text messages and appropriate Snapchats from him, to which I responded in equal enthusiasm out of courtesy. Eventually, he asked if I was free because “he had a surprise for me”.

What was this surprise date, you ask? He picked me up from my house, after showing up 15 minutes late because he fell asleep, on a Sunday evening and told me we were going to a cooking class! This is actually one of the cooler dates I’ve ever been on because I have never gone to a cooking class and have always wanted to try one. We were joking around during the class and made some pretty impressive food, if I do say so myself. The class ended around 8:30 and I assumed we were going to keep the night going until he said, “OK I’ll take you home now.”  At this point, I’m so confused. Do I smell bad? Did I make offensive jokes?

In the car, I even went so far to ask if he had anything planned for the rest of the night [hint hint]. He said no and that he was planning on making his lunches for the rest of the week. Oh. That sounds super important. When we arrived at my place, I said thank you and gave him a hug, and, to my own mortification, lingered in the car until it was clear that nothing was going to happen. 3 dates and we are still at hugs.

At this point, I’m convinced he’s either gay or he just wants a friend. Why would he keep asking me to hang out if he found me repulsive? Even my friends had to say “maybe he’s just not that into you”. I became a less-psycho version of Maggie Gyllenhaal only slightly worse off because I couldn’t even get this guy to kiss me! Not even a small kiss on the forehead or a peck on the cheek.

Fast forward a couple days later, he asked me if I had plans the upcoming weekend, to which I said no. He basically invited himself over to my place to watch a movie and suggested we cook dinner. If that doesn’t say “first base”, I don’t know what does!

And here is where everything seemed to go wrong. He sent me a recipe knowing that I was home working, and suggested that I go out and pick up the ingredients, even though he is passing 3 grocery stores from his house to mine. But he planned the cooking class the week before, so I kind of owed him. I happily went to the store and told him to come around 7, to which he said, “Cool see you then”. 7 became 7:30 and I didn’t hear from him. At 7:35, he told me he was outside and when I opened up the front door for him, I don’t get a hug, I don’t get a hello, but I got a, “your place looks weird”. Oh. Thank you, captain obvious. You’re 35 minutes late. How about a “sorry I’m a bit late”?

I overlooked the unusual exchange and change the subject. We began to cook some dinner and I realized he is horrible in the kitchen. He was dropping food everywhere and I was making mental notes about which spots I would have to clean afterwards. As I cooked the meal, I suggested he pour some wine instead of wielding a knife and handed him two glasses. He poured a glass, then, as my hands were full with a pan of pasta and a couple plates, he handed me the bottle as he drank from the glass he just poured. Good thing I have a mutant third hand coming out of my sternum that could take this bottle of wine and pour myself a glass.

We ate dinner and he seemed happy. I popped in the movie and we sat next to each other on the couch. He grabbed the life-size Ted in my living room and then hugged Ted for the entire length of the movie. I was doing everything possible – leaning in, shifting closer, playful arm touching; what am I left with? Nothing. By the end of the movie, Ted got more action than I did. Bastard.

I was convinced the night was lost and there was no point in even trying. The movie was over, it was 1 am, and I wanted to go to bed by myself. But he didn’t want to leave and suggested we watch some TV. Oh, could it be that he was waiting for the movie to end before he made his move? Nope. Because he just took Ted back into his arms and spooned him all over again. He finally left at 2:30 AM, after much of my obvious yawning, and as I walked him out, he went in for the not-so-sexy, yet sadly expected side hug and said we should do it again soon.
Guys, there is such a thing as being too forward and there is also such a thing as playing hard-to-get too much, but please try to read the signs and find a happy medium. No one should have a Blue Balls Bagel.
If you want another sad story, read about the Stripper Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
App Store

Story From A Member: Too Many Feels, Not Enough Time

June 15, 2014/in Dating in LA, Uncategorized /by Guest Blogger

~ The Feels Bagel ~

This is the story of a bagel who needs to make like Elsa and just let it go. (It’s fitting, I promise, but I also did just want to use this gif).

Let me rewind and say that I connected with Feels Bagel on a whim because he looked like a nice guy, wasn’t younger than I was (which has been a recent problem), and was a programmer. We chatted for a bit about how we both had to work during the Super Bowl to make sure our campaigns ran correctly, then decided to meet up for a post-game dinner.

He was really nice, seemed a little too enthusiastic, which made me think he was slightly left of straight, but we discussed our jobs, our families, the normal stuff. Then out of the blue, he said, “So my last relationship was May 2011,” and proceeded to tell me all about it. Over the next 15 minutes, I fought his fights and I cried his tears. After feeling emotionally drained from the Sparknotes of his last relationship, I was asked the following question: “When was your last relationship?” Before I could respond with an answer, my sarcasm got the best of me. “Sorry, I forgot to circle the date of my last break up on my mental calendar.” Woops.

Quickly trying to recover, I bit my tongue and used more brain cells trying to muster an accurate date than I had used all day. I told him a ballpark guesstimate of a year and he then asked what went wrong. Is it just me, or is this conversation getting a little heavy for someone I met 30 minutes ago? I literally met him an episode of How I Met Your Mother ago, and he’s asking me Mosby questions. Doing my best to dodge this inquisition, he wound up telling me about what happened in all of his past relationships and what he’s been doing since then.

When I finally thought I was free, I get this: “How many times have you said ‘I love you’?” Dude…are you for real? I once again gave him a general number, feeling incredibly uncomfortable as a girl who does not like to feel the feels, let alone talk about the feels. I deflect in the only way I know best, and he leaps in and tells me about how he’s only said the “L word” to one girl who happened to never be his girlfriend. Once again, he told me all the details of this fleeting relationship and I didn’t really know what to say, so I smiled and nodded and kept on eating.

I’m sure there’s someone out there who can love Feels Bagel, wipe away his tears, and big-spoon him into comfort. I, however, am not that person.

Read more about my other Bagel Adventures!!

If you enjoyed this post, perhaps you’ll want to read SCSB’s Island of Lost Bagels.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
App Store

Story From A Member: When You're On A Date … SQUIRREL

June 1, 2014/in Dating in LA /by Guest Blogger

~ The Amazeballs Bagel ~

What can I say about The Amazeballs Bagel? Many unusual things struck me, but did not deter me nor raise any significant flags:

  • Our text messages would seem to quickly jump from topic to topic. For example, he would say, “I’m at the drug store buying $50 worth of floss to use up my 2013 FSA.” Before I could respond, I receive a “…SO when are you free to hang out???”
  • He was 33 and went to a rave for New Years. Sorry, but at that point, shouldn’t you be out-untzed?
  • Many of his messages began with a “…” and note that no prior text message ended with a “…” nor was the “…” ever truly necessary.

Regardless, I agreed to a date. We met up and he was the first bagel I could actually banter and joke around with. There was minimal judgement passed, and he did not share that he dropped $10k on strippers, so in my book, he was golden. He even dropped a funny from time to time. However, he started to pepper the word “amazeballs” into conversation but was very serious in his delivery. When I called him out on it, he claimed his boss said it a lot so it stuck with him and I assumed he was doing it to be ironic in some way. But after the twentieth “amazeballs”, I realized he actually just says it a lot.

The conversation ADD really kicked in, though, when it took him a good 45 minutes to tell me a 10-minutes-tops story because he kept getting sidetracked by his own stories. I’m all for a stream of consciousness, but that’s slightly excessive when I’m wondering at the end of the story why we’re even talking about it in the first place.

The evening comes to an end because my parking was going to run out (the best excuse ever when you live in a city like Los Angeles), and I said I had to go. He walked me to my car and said, “I think we should see each other again.” I nodded indifferently. “Is it going to happen?” I just nodded, buddy, chill out. He then gave me a kiss on the cheek and as I was saying goodbye, he cut me off and said, “You’re so cute!!!!”

I drove home confused at the last thirty minutes of interaction and proceeded to engage in the weirdest post-date text conversation ever:

Bagel: Text me when you get home and all that crap.
Me: Just got home. Thanks again for tonight!
B: What are you wearing?
M: Uh…the same thing I wore 10 minutes ago when you saw me drive away.
B: You dirty dirty girl
[I swear you make one balls joke after he says ‘amazeballs’ and you’re automatically a slut]
B: We’re eating dinner on Sunday.
M: What?
B: Dinner. Sunday.
M: You’re not even going to ask if I’m free?
B: Oh. Fine. Are you free?
M: No…I have plans.
B: Great. Brunch. Sunday.
M: No…I still have plans.
B: Well I leave on Wednesday. Figure something out. I will tell you the whole taking advantage of me at dinner thing won’t happen.
M: Noted.
B: You’re cute!
M: You have a short attention span.

I’m still so confused and exhausted. Sadly, the only word I’m left with is “amazeballs”.

Want to know more about my dating adventures? Maybe you’ll like The Pretentious Bagel.

About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.

App Store

Categories

  • Blog
  • Boston
  • Chicago
  • CMB 101
  • CMB Experiences
  • CMB Says
  • CMB Updates
  • Date Ideas
  • Date Stats
  • Date Stories
  • Date Tips
  • Dating for Men
  • Dating in LA
  • Dating in NYC
  • Dating in SF
  • DC
  • For Her
  • For Him
  • From the founders
  • Funny & Videos
  • Home
  • LA
  • LGBT Dating
  • list
  • moments
  • News
  • NYC
  • Product
  • SF
  • Stats
  • Stories
  • Tips
  • Tips on CMB
  • Uncategorized
  • Virtual dates

Get the app

Get the App for iOS
Get the App for Android
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Careers
  • Press
  • Help Center
  • Privacy & Terms

Join the app

Join the app on iOS
Join the app on Android
© Copyright - Coffee Meets Bagel - Enfold Theme by Kriesi
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Youtube
Scroll to top

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse the site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

OKLearn more

Cookie and Privacy Settings

How we use cookies

We may request cookies to be set on your device. We use cookies to let us know when you visit our websites, how you interact with us, to enrich your user experience, and to customize your relationship with our website. Click on the different category headings to find out more. You can also change some of your preferences. Note that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our websites and the services we are able to offer.

Essential Website Cookies

These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our website and to use some of its features. Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, you cannot refuse them without impacting how our site functions. You can block or delete them by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website.

Google Analytics Cookies

These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience. If you do not want that we track your visist to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here:

Other external services

We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps and external Video providers. Since these providers may collect personal data like your IP address we allow you to block them here. Please be aware that this might heavily reduce the functionality and appearance of our site. Changes will take effect once you reload the page.

Google Webfont Settings:

Google Map Settings:

Vimeo and Youtube video embeds:

Privacy Policy

You can read about our cookies and privacy settings in detail on our Privacy Policy Page. privacy-policy