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Bros Before Hoes : Good Reasons to Prioritize Friendships

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All of us will make poor relationship decisions.

Hate to break it to you, but you’re human. You’re gonna screw the pooch eventually. Fortunately, there are simple things you can do to minimize the impact of poor decision making. A simple place to start? Maintaining strong friendships.

I’ve been mostly great at prioritizing friendships, with the exception of one relationship. I’m not sure what happened, but I was bitten hard by The Crazy Bug. We were inseparable for nearly two years. Which, as you can imagine, means I came close to losing all my friendships. After the breakup I realized I made a mistake. With time and intentionality I was able to fix plenty, but some damage was beyond repair.

So, learn from my mistakes! Here to help you make better choices are a few reasons to make friendships a priority.

Friends can help you determine if your relationship is healthy.

If you’re a sitcom junkie like me, you’ve definitely seen the stock-episode where “Character X” is dating some scum bag, but none of her friends have the guts to break the news. Such episodes make me shout at my TV, “Warn her! She needs to know!”

After all, you probably chose your close friends because you value their character and wisdom. That is, unless they’re filthy rich and you’re only using them for the free wine and ice cream, (Clearly, my assumption of how rich people spend their money is spot on.) Anyhow, assuming your friends only make a modest paycheck, they’re probably trustworthy. You picked them. Now trust them.

It might be tempting to write-off their opinion. You might want to make excuses (Ahem, “She’s just jealous!”) in order to protect your relationship. Look at it this way, though: If your friends are brave enough to approach you with an opinion, you have the responsibility to honor their courage by at least considering their point of view. If you’re especially bold, you’ll take the first step and ask your friends for input before they come to you.

(That’s not to say that every friend gets to give input. You would drown in opinions. Choose a few with good judgement skills. Keep them close.)

Your friends need your relationship (in healthy doses.)

I often hear single people say, “Ugh. I hate hanging out with couples.” I get it. Some couples are truly awful. However, I love spending time with couples and one-on-one with married individuals. I like to study them.

Observation helps us discover our wants and learn healthy behavior. Studying close friends helps us determine relationship characteristics we like and dislike, as well as bring abnormal family patterns to the surface. That weird way your parents interact? Yeah, not everyone does that. Spending time with a diverse group of couples makes that obvious. The ability to process those details is important for single people. It helps them (…Us? …Me?) make better relationship choices.

If you isolate yourself, you deny your friends a valuable example. Your friends need to hear you talk about your relationship. They need to learn from your victories and failures.

(That’s not to say this is the sole thing you should talk about. Otherwise, your friends will probably never want to see you again, and for good reason.)

They keep your identity in check. 

Let’s play a game: Name the first couple that comes to mind that has it’s own identity. Did you think of somebody? Don’t lie. You definitely did. We all know a couple that has developed their own distinct personality. They like all the same things, they make the same bad jokes, and they creep us out. They’re almost straight out of an episode of Portlandia.

Spending too much time together can lead to being eerily similar. While it’s great to develop connective relationship tissue, you and your partner are two distinct human persons. Each of you has unique tastes, opinions, and hobbies. Those things make you awesome! Don’t lose sight of that. Making time for your friends is a great way to maintain your personal identity.

Unfortunately, your relationship might not last.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is a chance your relationship won’t make it. Lots (most!) of relationships don’t. Relationships are hard work and sometimes things fall apart, even when you don’t expect it. Worse yet, what if you lose your partner to an accident or disease? There are plenty of factors that keep us from the circumstances of life, unfortunately. We can’t always plan it out to our liking.

If you lose your closest friends amidst your relationship, who will bring over a pint of ice cream when things go sour? Who will binge Netflix in sweats and remind you to keep moving forward?

Save yourself the pain and frustration! Don’t be the turd who has to apologize after a breakup. Keep your friends close. You will be more sand and balanced, and it will help maintain a healthy relationship for the long haul.

Who doesn’t want that?

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Did you like this post? Check out some of Erika’s other posts:
…or take a peek at Erika’s personal blog, The Trees Will Clap.
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About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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The Unusual Way I Fell for a Supermodel Half a World Away

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The following article is a guest post, courtesy of Andrew Moudry

My story these past few months has been one that could be a made-for-TV movie.

  • And it involves a super model.
  • With brains.
  • And an amazing heart.

Shanon

The Story:

May of 2010, I graduated from Wharton. At our school’s graduation, we were seated in alphabetical order. A lovely woman was seated next to me, and we chatted for about thirty minutes or so. For this post I will leave her name out, but the image is of her. We connected on Facebook, and I had a girlfriend at that time. Nearly five years went by, and occasionally we would trade a message here or there – but never had the opportunity to speak.

She moved away to Dubai to pursue her dream of making education sexy and representing, in her own way, the feminist movement in the Middle East. She taught herself Arabic. She became a television personality. And she launched her own import business and clothing line. She was just featured on Dubai’s major television network, and has over 40k fans.

Total package, right?

ShannonShannonShannon

How I Fell:

Everyone knows I am a hopeless romantic, and thought her story was so cool. I noticed one day a couple months ago that she was going to be in SF visiting Stanford, and knew that she liked a band that was in town.

I bought the tickets without asking, and sent them to her on the condition we go together.

We went, had an amazing time, and she stole a piece of my heart.

We have been keeping in contact since she left. But this morning I was told her pursuit of an MBA at Stanford has taken a turn. She will be staying in Dubai, and occasionally visiting SF.

It was a little like a punch in the gut, but then I stopped separating feelings from emotions. And I realized this is what is right for her.

This whirlwind experience of meeting such an amazing woman who – at least to a good degree reciprocated my feelings – has made me a better person. I’m listening to TED talks to be able to share insights with her. I started running again, because, well, when you foresee a date with a super model you have to be on your A-game.

And now that I know her long-term plans no longer include being here, I still have the same appreciation for being close to her even from 8,073 miles away. I wake up every morning and have a few messages from her, and go to bed sending a couple messages asking about her day.

The insights I hope you take away from this weaving journey are as follows:

  1. Be a hopeless romantic. It can make you a better person and create amazing relationships in the face of doubt, distance or insecurity.
  2. Share yourself with people you feel – not think – will be around. Against a lot of odds I get to call a rockstar in the middle east one of the closest people in my life. Even after only a few days in person together.
  3. Lift others up, even if it means closing a door for you. The “romantic” reaction to hearing she wasn’t going to come to SF Full-Time was one of disappointment. But on the whole, I know she will be back here eventually, and this is the right decision for her.

And the biggest question is: what does this have to do with online dating? Well, sometimes you meet people and make connections in the most surreal circumstances. I met a model a half a world away.  And it was all because my last name starts with M. You may meet your equivalent just this very second, “Liking” that bagel for the day.

Think about that.

  • Originally posted at AndrewMoudry.com
  • Shannon’s work can be found at lahjaty.com – where she updates her followers on a regular basis.

Enjoy this post? Then you’ll love reading about the 9 stages of falling in love!

About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.

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Say What You Want to Say : Thoughts on Setting Expectations

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(For the record, Aziz: If you text me, I will write you back. Pinky swear.)
Let’s be honest. Some of our dating habits blow.
Take online dating, for example. You would think a service based around internet interaction would lead to honest communication, right? After all, people tend to feel less inhibited online. (If you don’t believe me, you’ve obviously never read the comments section on an internet forum.) However, I find that isn’t always the case when it comes to online dating.
One of the biggest problems, in my opinion, revolves around the tendency to communicate with too many people. An overwhelming sense of eagerness to find a partner (or, if we’re honest, hook up) leads to putting your eggs in too many baskets. Which, of course, only creates shallow, meaningless conversation. This behavior makes it hard to truly connect with anyone.*
To add insult to injury, some people have a habit of fizzling out of communication rather than creating closure. I’ll admit it: I’ve been guilty of this. It’s not right—but it’s the easy way out, especially when you’ve got dates waiting on the other side.
It’s pretty easy for me to live by that rule. The combination of being tired of lame relationships, paired with feeling like I’m getting old (I’m 27, with the sass of an 85 year-old chain smoking grandma hitting the slots in Vegas,) has made jumping back into the dating scene super fun. (aka: a giant pain in the rumpus.)
It doesn’t help that dating has some natural people-pleasing tendencies. We tend to focus so intently on impressing, that sometimes we forget to prioritize the search for a partner that actually meets your expectations and compliments your lifestyle tendencies. I mean, isn’t that a huge reason many marriages fail? Couples spend months, or years, trying to appease the other person only to one day realize their lifestyles, goals, and visions for the future don’t even match up.
After all, the point of dating isn’t simply to find someone that—as comedian Mike Birbiglia would say it—put their mouth on your mouth. It’s not about finding someone that will make you happy, or give you warm fuzzies.
The goal of relationships is to find someone with whom your lifestyle and values align.
Getting to know the psyche of another human being is a delicate task, which makes the dating game even more difficult. There are a whole host of things to misinterpret. I don’t know about you but, despite my best efforts, I have yet to master the art of mind-reading. (And I’ve given up trying.)
Get your notepads out, kids, ‘cause I’m about to let you in on a secret: this is why it’s important to practice open, honest communication early on. I know we all say we want honesty, but it’s really easy to forget that when it’s your turn to be honest. I’m not suggesting you should publish your list of demands right out the gate, but stay on your toes. The practice of discerning the right way and right time to communicate your expectations is vital to creating something lasting.
(Well, first it’s important to understand what your expectations are, but we’ll save that talk for another blog.)
If you wait until you think you’ll be comfortable, you’ll never do it. The longer you hold off, the more likely you are to make excuses. Don’t shy away from hard conversations. Treat them with humility and gentleness, but also with the courage to seek what you really want. That way, if a relationship doesn’t work out, you know it’s was for a good reason: because your needs didn’t match. In that case, it’s not a failed relationship. It’s a win.
It’s one step closer to finding what you really want.

(*As a side note, use this time to practice self-control. Try limiting yourself to getting to know only two or three people at once. Any more than that means you’ll probably be stretched too thin, and will have a higher likelihood of getting people mixed up. Take your time, be patient and don’t over do it.)
 

About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.

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Orgasms – Not Business As Usual

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Everyone wants great sex, you know this, I know this. (Berkeley college kids know this – as seen in this snappy recent sex article.) But sometimes orgasms are complicated, sometimes they’re MIA and sometimes they’re faked. (Guilty, guilty and guilty). OneTaste, a company dedicated to helping people live healthier, orgasmic lifestyles, knows that very well.
So when I agreed to attend a OneTaste seminar downtown on a rainy Saturday morning, (you know, for the sake of journalism) I was expecting a lot of girl talk between just us ladies. I’d been in the Vagina Monologues in college, I enjoyed sex; bring on the climax chat. I arrived at the holiday-decked Hilton hotel, Starbucks in one hand, pen in the other – I was ready.
Or not.
I was not prepared for the variety at the gathering. There were a few couples, there were some single ladies – but also a large collection of men. A fellow of at least sixty years with cowboy bootssat down next to me in the front row as the seminar began. The two speakers, Marcus and Joann, were well-dressed and smilingly, undeniably at peace. Given the setting, I ventured to think I knew why. Everyone introduced themselves and why they were there, and willingly divulged:

“I want to reintegrate sexuality into my life.”
“I want to be able to get what I want, and give more.”

I had to resist squirming in my seat when it was my turn to share. What? Me talk about my cum history in front of all these dudes? Surprisingly, I opened up: I wanted my next relationship to be more open, I admitted. More honest.
OneTaste was all about that – through Orgasmic Meditation (OM), Joann and Marcus revealed, which was defined as “extended, focused touch” on the woman during an OM. There were plenty of couples at the gathering, but having an Orgasmic Meditation can be strictly business, too, with another OMer found in the OneTaste community, no romance involved. The goal is to get that essential dose of oxytocin (with a helping hand) and gradually start seeing the benefits in all aspects of your life.
Okay, I thought. So, people – strangers – can just get together and have one of these “OM’s” whenever, wherever, without any romantic connotation? But what if I want romance in my orgasms?  There was a demonstration between Marcus and another experienced OMer before the lunch break, and no, I didn’t expect to see someone else’s vagina that afternoon. While part of me was mortified to be intruding on something so seemingly intimate (with fifty other people), another part of me was determined to get over myself. Okay, some dude is going DJ-style on another lady on a table in the middle of the room, but you know what? He seemed to have been doing a crackerjack job.
Needless to say it was an eye opening experience.
image
If you’re single and want your next sexual relationship to be more rewarding (by leaps and bounds), I still recommend the seminar. The community is open to anyone and everyone, and signing up is available on their site.
Learn more about OneTaste now – Or read more about the day’s seminar here.
Source reference by Nadia Cho of the Daily Californian and special thanks to Maya Gilbert for inviting us at CMB to get a taste of OneTaste.
image Jessica Barone @chai_haiku is a writer, nerd, health nut, technophile, and the social media head n’ main scribbler for Coffee Meets Bagel. Learn more. 

Holiday Season Dating Tip: Is It Time to Meet The Parents?

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It’s that harrowing time of year again –  family holidays are full speed ahead and that means you and that flame you’ve been blissfully running around the city arm and arm with, not a care in the world, suddenly have to decide – is it time to meet the parents? 
This can be a terrifying notion for both guys and gals, because we all want to be liked by our beau’s family. Buy why is making a good impression on the fam so important in the 21st Century? It seems outdated to some, but meeting family is a big step in a pair’s relationship. If the people who raised your sweetheart from birth – who made them who they are today – have trouble interacting with you, then it may be a sign to reevaluate your relationship.
But hey! Don’t despair! Normally, all it takes is a little extra courtesy and self-awareness to make that trip home to meet his or her parents smooth sailing. And luckily, there’s plenty of easy-to-follow advice on how to make a great first impression. 
BostInno’s great writer Lisa DeCanio advised last week in an article about first-time family meet n’ greets: ”Be yourself – but don’t be yourself. Don’t be a phony, but remember that this is much more important that hanging out with your buddies. First impressions matter.” 
DeCanio goes on to warn of common mistakes you can avoid when meeting the ‘rents, including: 

  • Don’t show up empty-handed. 
  • Avoid any and all mentions of politics. 
  • Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want Grandma to see. 
  • Be nice to the family pets and little cousins. 
  • Do your research – learn about the family. 
  • Stay off your cell. 
  • Don’t swear. 
  • Go easy on the booze. 
So if you and your honey decide it’s time to meet each other’s families this year, just remember: come with a smile, a bottle of fine sparkling cider and your phone on airplane-mode.

Halloween Costumes for the Singles

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By Jessica Barone, @chai_haiku

After high school, Halloween festivities tend to change pace. Less Trick-Or-Treating, more parties; you start looking forward to a different kind of candy, if you know what I mean.

For the young and single, Halloween parties are golden opportunities to meet people. Energy is high, drinks are flowing and you have the chance to stand out more than usual, if you choose the right costume. Now for some, Halloween is an excuse to dress up in black lingerie, put on a pair of cat ears, call yourself a kitty and no one can argue with you. All Hallow’s Eve really is a free-for-all for the sexually explicit. And if you’re looking for a one-night stand, that kind of costume is fine.

 But for those looking for second-date material, you might want to rethink your wardrobe. That isn’t to say cover up and dress like an unflattering, giant banana. If you have a favorite feature – shoulders, legs, eyes – pick a costume that will accentuate that with a tailored outfit idea or with the right makeup. Superhero costumes work great for this!

            

Accentuate the good, but don’t give away all the goods. Do you really want everything mysterious about you to evaporate before you even introduce yourself?

And men, it’s up to you: you can have the scariest, goriest costume at the party, but don’t be surprised if you can’t strike up a flirtatious conversation with anyone at the party. It’s hard for a gal (or guy) to think of romance when they’re fixating on the synthetic bloody stitches crocheted across your face.

The choice is yours – will you find love this All Hallow’s Eve?

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When you’re on the fence about your Bagel, be open-minded and give it a shot! You never know, he/she might be extraordinary and attractive when you meet in person ;)