“Hey, I was just calling to get some girl advice.”
My friend sounded drunk pained…desperate even. He and his girlfriend of 5 years had recently broken up and he wanted to get her back.
“Uhh… Uhm, you might be asking the wrong girl,” I responded sheepishly. “But if you realllly want to know my take on it: Be indifferent. Be a dick. Be aloof. Look hot. Be social. Be happy. Don’t respond to texts or calls right away if at all. Make yourself scarce. Move on. Uhhh yeah, that always drives me nuts. But, like, I tend to like assholes so take my advice with a grain.”
As I spoke I realized I knew more on the subject than I thought. I hung up and
baked a toaster stroodle, texted and called my ex twice, scrolled through instagram for over an hour thought more about it. Here’s what I came up with:
We’ve all been there and we all know it to be true: break-ups blow harder than the Kardashians at the BET awards. Someone who was once a big part of your life suddenly isn’t and that’s a real tough pill to swallow. Coping with the aftermath of a break-up is similar to dealing with a death, but maybe worse because the person is still alive and you’re constantly exposed to their shenanigans via social media. It’s bad enough you’re laid up on your tattered bean bag chair with haagen dazs practically hitting your system intravenously without having to see an Instagram pic of your ex sporting JBF’d (urban dictionary it) hair whilst brunching with some mega-douche named Shane who she met on Tinder.
So if you’re sick and tired of battling Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from drunk-hammer texting your ex, wallowing in self-pity, losing friends on account of your incessant blubbering, waking up in the fetal doused in brownie mix with dried snot on your forehead then listen up! I’ve come up with a number of ways you can get your ex back like a fucking boss.
1. No contact for 1 month
This is the breast advice I’ve gotten with regard to break-ups. My condescending brother told me a few years ago to “do the opposite of whatever you, Alexandra, would normally do,” if I wanted a second chance with my ex. The majority of the time your instincts will fuck you if you listen to them and act on them. So if on a Saturday night you find yourself cowering in the corner of your messy room, knee deep in vibrators, blasting Celine Dion’s “All by Myself”, sobbing uncontrollably into your unmanicured hands and contemplating a visit to the Golden Gate Bridge – call a friend. Call your mom. Call your aunt Edna who could just as easily be your Uncle Ed on account of her(?) suspiciously pronounced Adam’s Apple. My point: Call anyone but whatever you do, don’t contact fuckboy your ex. March right on over to AT&T and block homeboy/girl’s number if necessary. 1 of 2 good things will come from not contacting your ex: either you’ll get over it or he/she will freak the fuck out and come running back.
Turn it off ^^
2. Be HAPPY.
If you’re not happy, fake it ’til you make it. You want your ex to see that you’re doing juuussst fine without his credit card, big dick and forehead kisses or whatever. The goal is to appear happier than a pig on prozac writhing around in a massive pile of steaming shit.
3. Distract yourself.
Focus on something other than your ex. This will help with tip #1. I’ve always been curious about how snakes mate (I mean, they already are a penis basically – so how does that work?), where toll booth workers park and how OJ was found guilty in a civil trial but innocent in criminal trial (I seriously don’t get it. Enlighten me, Bob Shapiro). My point? There’s so much else in this world to focus on aside from your Football/PornHub-obsessed ex, like following me on instagram and liking all my photos.
|Hi, toll booth worker. Where did you park? Seriously. I wanna know.|
4. Be social…but take it easy on the booze.
Alcohol is a depressant. Sure, it’s fun to go out and get rowdy with your friends but if you find yourself waking up on the floor of an apartment in the Tenderloin belonging to some guy named Darryl with a hangover the size of Everest, maybe you oughta think about cutting back. Also, you’re more likely to send embarrassing sexts texts when you’re under the influence of 3 bottles of Whispering Angel.
5. Knock your ex off that pedestal.
You wouldn’t be so desperate to get your ex back if you got it into your head that he/she is a mere mortal like everyone else on earth. He/she goes to the bathroom, cries, trips, feels insecure, worries sometimes and probably has had an in-grown pube or 5 in his day. No one is fucking perfect. The sooner you realize your ex is your equal and not your superior the less likely you are to act like a Desperate Denise… and desperation is a stinky, stinky repellent.
Follow these steps and your ex will be eating out of the palm of your clammy, unmanicured hand.
That’s all I got. I better get back to watching the third episode of Season 1 of Rock of Love.