Happy New Year, girls and boys! If you’re like me, you’ve made a slew of resolutions that probably won’t last past the first of February. And if you’re really like me, none of these resolutions have to do with romantic relationships. Because why limit yourself, amirite? But let’s be honest—I’m single, it’s a new year, and there are certain things I’m looking for. However, since it is a new year and I’m trying to change and improve myself and all that, I’m altering the focus of these parameters. Rather than seeking someone tall, rich, and handsome (STILL seeking this person as well; don’t be afraid to contact me), I’m setting my standards at a slightly more obtuse angle. Qualifications below. If you know this man—if you ARE this man—you know how to reach me.
The man I want to meet in 2015…
Laughs with me.
I know people don’t find me to be a funny person. If I make people laugh, it’s likely they’re laughing at me, not with me. But I think I’m hilarious, and if you genuinely laugh along with me, instead of at my strange and occasionally pathetic attempts at humor…you’re a keeper.
Has great roommates.
I don’t want to hang out at your apartment if it is a far commute from my own, if it smells excessively of feet, or if your roommates are assholes. I want to be able to chill with your bros, bro.
Gets me my favorite liquids when I’m hungover.
I don’t care if water is technically the best cure. I want, depending on the degree of my suffering: Whole Foods lemonade, Silk chocolate milk, diet Dr. Pepper, or that flavored water you get from Duane Reade for 99 cents. Don’t lecture me on electrolytes. Just go to the damn store already.
Has questionable taste in books, music, and movies.
In this case, questionable does not mean bad. It means you make me question. It’s fantastic to be able to talk about books, and music, and movies, but if we’ve read/listened to/seen all of the same things, it can get boring real fast. Introduce me to something new! I don’t have to like it, as long as you do.
Knows how to French braid.
Where is my Chris Pratt equivalent at?
Doesn’t try to make me go jogging.
I know I should work out more. So convince me to go to the gym—but I am not a runner, and I never will be. If you say the words “runner’s high” I will smack you.
And…that’s it. C’mon, that’s not too much to ask, is it? So, cheers to the New Year, and all the new men I’ll date while trying to find this one.
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