~ The Amazeballs Bagel ~
What can I say about The Amazeballs Bagel? Many unusual things struck me, but did not deter me nor raise any significant flags:
- Our text messages would seem to quickly jump from topic to topic. For example, he would say, “I’m at the drug store buying $50 worth of floss to use up my 2013 FSA.” Before I could respond, I receive a “…SO when are you free to hang out???”
- He was 33 and went to a rave for New Years. Sorry, but at that point, shouldn’t you be out-untzed?
- Many of his messages began with a “…” and note that no prior text message ended with a “…” nor was the “…” ever truly necessary.
Regardless, I agreed to a date. We met up and he was the first bagel I could actually banter and joke around with. There was minimal judgement passed, and he did not share that he dropped $10k on strippers, so in my book, he was golden. He even dropped a funny from time to time. However, he started to pepper the word “amazeballs” into conversation but was very serious in his delivery. When I called him out on it, he claimed his boss said it a lot so it stuck with him and I assumed he was doing it to be ironic in some way. But after the twentieth “amazeballs”, I realized he actually just says it a lot.
The conversation ADD really kicked in, though, when it took him a good 45 minutes to tell me a 10-minutes-tops story because he kept getting sidetracked by his own stories. I’m all for a stream of consciousness, but that’s slightly excessive when I’m wondering at the end of the story why we’re even talking about it in the first place.
The evening comes to an end because my parking was going to run out (the best excuse ever when you live in a city like Los Angeles), and I said I had to go. He walked me to my car and said, “I think we should see each other again.” I nodded indifferently. “Is it going to happen?” I just nodded, buddy, chill out. He then gave me a kiss on the cheek and as I was saying goodbye, he cut me off and said, “You’re so cute!!!!”
I drove home confused at the last thirty minutes of interaction and proceeded to engage in the weirdest post-date text conversation ever:
Bagel: Text me when you get home and all that crap.
Me: Just got home. Thanks again for tonight!
B: What are you wearing?
M: Uh…the same thing I wore 10 minutes ago when you saw me drive away.
B: You dirty dirty girl
[I swear you make one balls joke after he says ‘amazeballs’ and you’re automatically a slut]
B: We’re eating dinner on Sunday.
B: Dinner. Sunday.
M: You’re not even going to ask if I’m free?
B: Oh. Fine. Are you free?
M: No…I have plans.
B: Great. Brunch. Sunday.
M: No…I still have plans.
B: Well I leave on Wednesday. Figure something out. I will tell you the whole taking advantage of me at dinner thing won’t happen.
B: You’re cute!
M: You have a short attention span.
I’m still so confused and exhausted. Sadly, the only word I’m left with is “amazeballs”.
Want to know more about my dating adventures? Maybe you’ll like The Pretentious Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.