If The Characters of FRIENDS Had Online Dating Profiles
In a way, our generation has it easy. We don’t have to get dressed up and go out to meet someone. We can open an app on our phone and find men or women who fit our specifications with a swipe of a finger. But with this ease comes a sense of complacency and even boredom. Will our children really want to watch a TV show online in which the characters do nothing but stare at their phones all day? Dating is a part of many classic TV shows, but how would they function in our current online era?
I was fortunate enough to have a college roommate who owned the entire Friends series on DVD. Suffice to say, we spent many a lazy Tuesday evening or hungover Sunday morning watching episode after episode of the Central Perk gang. I’m too young to remember “The Rachel” hairstyle when it was in its prime, but thanks to those DVDs I can quote the character nearly verbatim. I’m using this special talent to bring you the abbreviated Coffee Meets Bagel dating profiles* of your six favorite Manhattan residents who live in apartments they could never afford—and would never have to leave, if they met all of their potential paramours through their phones.
*not the exact format, but does anyone really care where Ross got his education?
Name: Ross Geller
Location: the nearest museum
Occupation: Doctor (of paleontology)
I am…
An expert on the mesozoic era. An excellent dancer (just ask my sister about “the routine”). A master of ka-raa-tay.
I like…
Dinosaurs. Thanksgiving sandwiches. Getting married. (Just kidding! Or am I?)
I appreciate when my date…
Doesn’t turn out to be a lesbian. Understands the definition of “on a break.” Is Rachel.
Name: Monica Geller
Location: the cleanest kitchen
Occupation: Chef
I am…
Competitive. Clean. Competitive about cleanliness.
I like…
Cooking for my friends. Beating my neighbors at foosball. Organizing my towels (everyday use, fancy, guest, fancy guest, etc.).
I appreciate when my date…
Doesn’t sacrifice our relationship to become an Ultimate Fighting Champion. Has a sarcastic sense of humor that might originally mask our attraction to one another.
Name: Chandler Bing
Location: my office
Occupation: Don’t worry, none of my friends know
I am…
Not sure why I’m here. Could online dating BE any more awkward?
I like…
My leather reclining chair. Sarcasm. Or do I?
I appreciate when my date…
Doesn’t say “Oh. My. God.” Is actually related to my best friend.
Name: Phoebe Buffay
Location: somewhere with my guitar
Occupation: Massage therapist/Musician
I am…
A vegetarian. The artist who brought you “Smelly Cat.” A twin but I don’t want to talk about it.
I like…
Driving my grandmother’s taxi. Giving advice to my friends. Introducing myself as Regina Phalange.
I appreciate it when my date…
Isn’t just going out with me to a get a green card, though I might marry you if you need one. Will scratch me if I have chicken pox. Looks like Paul Rudd.
Name: Joey Tribbiani
Location: looking in someone else’s refrigerator
Occupation: Actor
I am…
Dr. Drake Ramoray. Brother to seven sisters and you better not make out with one of them and then forget which one it was. Hungry.
I like…
Meatball subs sandwiches. The chick and the duck. Performing wedding ceremonies for my friends.
I appreciate it when my date…
Can answer the question How you doin’?
Name: Rachel Green
Location: Monica’s apartment
Occupation: Professional in the fashion industry
I am…
A former sorority sister. A questionable cook (how was I supposed to know beef doesn’t go in an English trifle?). Stylish—have you seen my haircut?
I like…
Shopping. Moving in with my various friends. Getting off of planes.
I appreciate it when my date…
Wears a red sweater. Doesn’t use excuses like “we were on a break.” Is Ross.
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About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
