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Story From A Member: The Most Distracting Surprise Ever

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~ The Bagel With The Dragon Tattoo ~
A few months ago, I met a bagel who, if I had a ‘checklist’, would have met 90% of the requirements:

  • Good job? Check. He even works more hours than I do.
  • Drives a car? Check. Sadly, this is actually something we have to put on the checklist in LA.
  • Good family relationship? Check.
  • Doesn’t live in certain area codes that I’m banned from? Check. (Don’t ask..it’ll be a later post)
  • Similar interests? Check. He seems to be my type of adventurous.
  • Love of hip hop? Check. We share similar views on Drake, Tupac, and Eminem.
  • Love of food? Check. We talked about restaurants for an hour straight.

In order for me to do this post justice, I should also explain that he looked like someone I could bring home to Mom. He was what you would describe as a “nice looking Asian boy”. Every Asian mother’s dream!
A few dates in, we were hanging out at my place and we were just discussing how neither one of us is really traditionally “Asian”. I barely speak Chinese, he doesn’t at all, and we both don’t really identify with the culture as much as some of our other friends do. Then, as things were getting a little bit heavy, his shirt came off and low and behold, there lied a very Asian tattoo right on his chest, staring me in the face. And boy, was that tattoo big.
Now, I love a good tattoo just as much as the next girl. However, something about this tattoo really jumped out at me and made me stop dead in my tracks and hold back laughter. Maybe it was how big it was. Maybe it was what it actually was (it wasn’t a dragon, by the way). Maybe it was just the juxtaposition of his personality and the tattoo. I know, that’s kind of mean, but it’s just really funny when you imagine a nice Asian boy who just told you how un-Asian he is, then BAM, it’s like I’m hanging out with a Triad member.
This could probably be seen as a ‘bad boy’ element that gives him a bit of edge, which I’m sure his future girlfriend would love. I, on the other hand, could not stop the many questions that raced into my mind (When did you get it? Why is it so big? Do your parents know? What are you going to do when you’re 70? What does it mean? Are you actually part of a Triad? If so, can you induct me? Would I have to get a tattoo as well?) and unfortunately my habit of word-vomit came over and I actually did ask him 20 questions about the tattoo.
Sadly, I decided that the fact that I could never take him seriously with his shirt off was probably a good reason for me to not go down this path toward the Forbidden City. Sorry, Bagel With The Dragon Tattoo, I am positive you will find a great girl because you’re a great guy. I’m just the asshole who can’t get past that tat.
 
If you enjoyed this post, perhaps you’ll want to read When You’re on a Date…Squirrel
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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The Pretentious Bagel

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Bagel #2 came as an unfortunate ‘like’ because I felt bad for judging others based off 3 pictures and 50 words. Should have gone with my intuition.
This fatass (me) was only swayed to meet up with Bagel because he suggested one of my favorite restaurants in Downtown LA. I figured at the worst, I would leave full and satisfied from a good meal. The best thing all night was by far the food.
So as to not recant this tale in paragraph form, I will share some highlights that pretty much summed up my night:

  • Upon arrival, he asked if I had ever been to that restaurant. I said yes and that I loved the food, then asked if he had been there as well. He replied with: “No, I haven’t, but I’ve heard good things. Though I must admit, I am a food snob, so my standards are quite high. I don’t like what everyone else normally likes. For example, I don’t like the Halal Guys in New York.” Dafuq?! Who doesn’t like the Halal Guys?
  • “I should tell you, I’m not feminine, but I have very strong intuition. We’ll see how this restaurant, and you, fare.” Wow. Sorry I didn’t bring my resume. Didn’t know I was on a job interview. 
  • However, when I did tell him about my career path and what I did after graduating college (nothing crazy special, in my opinion), he says, “Wow! That’s really impressive for a girl like you.” At this point, I think some food came out and I was too interested in eating than I was at asking him what that was supposed to mean.
  • When I told him I could never get into Breaking Bad (I know, I’m weird. I gave it 5 episodes and just never got into it. Maybe it just wasn’t my thing), I was met with a shocked: “What?! You have horrible taste in television. Breaking Bad is arguably one of the best-written shows ever created. Wow. We have to change the subject now.” Sorry, bro. Good thing I didn’t tell you I watched KUWTK on a regular basis…would have loved to hear your opinion on that. Not.
  • [Unrelated observation] He ate like a mouse and I wound up eating more than he did. If you can’t out-eat me, you can’t have my respect.
  • “I have to be honest with you…I used to be a brat when I was a kid. I would be like [begins to pout and cross his arms and shake his head] at everything.” That impression was way too good and natural to be using the past tense in his statement. He obviously makes that face on the regular. 
  • When the bill came, I insisted to split it because I don’t like it when people pay for me. He allowed my card on the check, but put his hand over it as if he was going to remove my card at the last minute when the waiter came. However, when the waiter came, up went his hand and there remained my card. I have no issue splitting the cost of food, but don’t make a poor show of it. You’re not winning an Oscar anytime soon with that acting…
  • As we were walking back to our cars, my bag slipped off my shoulder and hit the ground. By reflex, I apologized and said that I was a clumsy mess. I was met with: “Oh it’s not really your fault. Your shoes aren’t really conducive to walking properly.” Note that my low-heeled booties were just fine and I was walking very normally. I just have slopey shoulders.

When I returned home, convinced I never wanted to talk to him again, I received this friendly text message:

“[My name]. I’m skipping any 3 day rule to be frank. I like you. I’d like to watch Frozen in 3d with you sometime; if you’re interested. Let’s discuss later.” I have to note that Frozen was the one movie we were able to agree was phenomenal.

Thanks, Pretentious Bagel, for validating me. Because you deem me worthy of seeing again, I can now rest easy and feel better about myself. Good riddance.
 
Want to know about my other date? Perhaps you’ll want to find out about The Stripper Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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The Stripper Bagel

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I was a few days into the app, still bright-eyed and bushy-bageled, eager to find out who I would get the next day and whether or not we would be connected. And finally, as if sent from the head baker himself, I was matched with a bagel! Everyone, please meet Stripper Bagel.
Stripper Bagel and I texted for a couple of days before meeting up. Conversation was normal, nothing too alarming or surprising. He was a big nerd (just the way I like them) and was a computer programmer at a building not too far from where I worked, so knowing we shared the same zip code both made me equally excited for the possibilities and weary for the probabilities.
We decided to meet up after work at a local bar, grab some drinks and maybe play some pool. I got there first, ordered a beer, gave the waitress my card to hold. Apparently he did the same and we realized we were a couple booths away from each other without knowing it. Talk about a meet cute. We chatted for a bit and I could tell he was a little bit nervous, but we kept conversation light and humorous. Discussions ranged from jobs to music and all seemed to go well. Until he said:

“So…Promise not to judge me, okay? I have to tell you something.”

I’m thinking, “What could you possibly have to confess to me when we’re 1 hour into meeting each other?” What I said was, “Oh I’m definitely not going to promise that. But tell me your story.” And this is what I got:

“I went to Vegas with a few buddies and coworkers of mine and, promise not to judge, but I went to my first strip club on Saturday night after the club. I was really drunk and when all of my friends went back to the room after the club, I ran into a coworker who wanted to go to Sapphire. I guess I was so drunk, I blacked out after I walked through the doors.
“When I came to, the sun was out and I was leaving Sapphire. I hailed a cab, went back to the room, and passed out for a few hours. When I woke up, I got a few emails from American Express telling me there was suspected fraudulent activity. I checked my account online and realized I had charges from Sapphire amounting to a total of ten thousand dollars. I called AmEx and disputed the charges, but I’m waiting for them to follow up with me. Oh man, if I end up having to pay it, I guess that’s fine because I have money saved up, but I just wish I remembered what happened.
“Phew. It is so good to be able to tell someone this. I haven’t told anyone and it’s stressing me out.”

Now, when faced with a story like that, here’s what comes to mind:

  • Laughter. A lot of guttural laughter. Check. He didn’t join in with me, though…
  • Wow. Did you actually purchase the strip club? Or at least a few strippers in a sort of indentured servitude agreement? Said this, but I don’t think he found that much humor in it. He must not have the pink slip to neither the strip club nor the strippers.
  • Did you father some stripper babies? Said this too, only to be met with an expression that told me he actually did not think about this possibility. Whoops.
  • You might want to go get tested just in case… Because of the reaction to the statement above, I opted to keep this one to myself.
  • It’s good that you at least have $10k saved up to spend on strippers. Said this too, but was really thinking: It’s unfortunate that you’re weirdly okay with the possibility of spending that much money on strippers during a night you don’t even remember. 
  • Do you still have your card? How can you claim fraudulent activity if you know you were there and you still have the card in hand? I said this because it’s morally questionable. However, it looks like he reverted to his survival instincts of self-preservation.
  • Why, oh for the love of all things holy, why would you choose me of all people to tell this story to? I guess I just made him feel comfortable. Or he thought the date was going so badly he had absolutely nothing to lose. For those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother, this could be his version of the Naked Man. This can be called the Shameful Man.

I tuned out after that story and applauded myself for getting such a winner on my first bagel date. Oh, and to put the cherry on top, when the bill came, we told the waitress to split the tab. My card came back, but his was declined. Those damn strippers.
Want to know about my other date? Perhaps you’ll want to find out about The Pretentious Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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Spilled Coffee & Stale Bagels, Signing On

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Hey, CMB Community!
I wanted to take this first post and quickly introduce myself and how I wound up writing for this blog. I’m a 24-year-old single girl living in Los Angeles, and have sadly and quite humorously collected my fair share of dating horror stories over the last few years. After a few failed non-relationships that can only be described as ‘typically millennial’, I decided to suck it up and join Coffee Meets Bagel, because what’s the worst that can happen?
After going on my first few bagel dates, I wound up telling my friends about these ridiculous encounters, only to be met with laughter and incredulous looks. At some point, you have to laugh to stop yourself from crying, right? Shortly following my fifth time telling the same story, I decided to chronicle my bagel misadventures in a blog so that everyone can live vicariously through me as I continue to swim in the sea of many fish, looking for my Moby Dick (all puns intended).
Four months later, here I am, with more than a baker’s dozen of stale bagels and many cups of spilled coffee. So, please join me and keep checking back in to see if I make it through the carbs and find myself a Tide stick.
 
Want to find out how my dates go? Let’s start off with The Stripper Bagel.
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB  is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.
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