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Save the Date #2: How can vulnerability help me forge a loving relationship? | Natalie Lue

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Opening up to someone new is never easy, and we’re all guilty of hiding our vulnerable side when it comes to dating. But how to do we drop the act and really practice emotional availability with a partner – and what do we stand to lose if we don’t? Natalie Lue, dating expert and author of “Love, Care, Trust & Respect” shares her expertise and personal experiences to help us get to the bottom of it.

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

Show notes

[1:39] Are we actually the emotionally unavailable ones?

[4:27} Why being vulnerable is so scary

[8:20] We can’t judge emotional availability right away

[14:04] There’s no crystal ball for relationships

[15:56] Are we being open, or just pretending to be?

[19:53] Being vulnerable in a safe way

[23:40] Learning to ask for what you need

[27:12] What does emotional availability actually look like?

[31:35] Practical tips for asking important questions

[40:52] The different stages of a relationship

[48:21] How bias affects our dating life

[51:01] When having “a type” creates blindspots

[55:52] The best dating advice Natalie has ever heard

[57:15] Natalie’s one go-to piece of advice for daters

Quotes

“I thought of myself as miss commitment, miss monogamous, you know, I’m just like, so emotional. I’m so there. But I realized that I am the common denominator.”

“We have to ask ourselves. Why is it that when it comes to dating or being in a relationship, we consistently want to be involved with people who we are in no danger of actually being emotionally available with?”

“Boundaries are also a form of intimacy. Are we willing to say and show the word no? If we’re not, then we don’t have intimacy, because we can’t be real.”

“When we first meet somebody, when we’re dating them, we’re not meeting them. We’re meeting their representative. We’re putting our best forward, we’re giving the big laughs, telling the best stories. You know, we’re bringing our A-game. When we move from dating to being in a relationship, this is where the real getting to know begins.”

“Part of getting into the love bit in a relationship is, we actually have to be willing for the possibility of having our heart broken.”

“Whatever it is that you’re afraid to ask is typically the thing that you very much need to ask. Whatever it is that you’re afraid to say is often the thing that you really, really need to say.”

“Once we’ve now talked ourselves out of asking something that we need to know and then we’re privately anxious or irritated or upset or resentful or whatever it is behind the scenes – we’re now entering into this relationship with this big question mark, or continuing on with this involvement with this big question mark, and it sours things. We are far more likely to forge an intimate relationship with somebody who we were willing to ask the questions that we were afraid to ask.”

“People who are emotionally available consistently feel their feelings, even when they’re not the pretty ones.”

“If you keep doing the things that you typically avoid doing in relationships that you don’t want to be in again, you’re going to be in that relationship again, even if it’s just from how you are behaving.”

“If you only ask questions when your back’s against the wall, then you’re going to feel really intense. But when you’re going on dates and you’re actually there with the person and you’re being yourself and you’re having a conversation – it’s a natural extension to ask questions, right?”

“If we want to be in a loving relationship, we have to be willing to be honest, we have to be willing to ask the difficult questions.”

“In an ideal world, meeting somebody’s parents would mean that you are in a relationship and that this person wants to commit to you and sees you for something serious. But I have an ex who introduced me to his parents on our second date…and after the third date, our involvement was over.”

“Well the thing about dating is that a lot of people are driven by bias. Now, all humans have bias. And every human that says they don’t have bias, that’s just another bias.”

“There is a lot of using biases to make decisions that just do not make any sense whatsoever. We think ‘Oh, I just need to find somebody who is at an Ivy League, who earns this amount of money, who works in this field and if I can find somebody like that, then they’re perfect for me.’ How? None of those things tell you anything whatsoever about what type of partner they could be, whether you’re compatible in terms of core values.”

“Look back at who you’ve dated. Is there a pattern to it? Do they all look the same? Is the criteria pretty much all the same? This is an example of a blind spot.”

“We are often overlooking people who we are far more compatible with because we’re looking for something that actually might be totally irrelevant.”

“If you’re serious about being in a serious relationship, accept no substitutes.”

Save the Date #1: Dating Hacks with Jess McCann

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You might not think dating advice and medical sales would come up in the same conversation, but Jess McCann has an interesting story to tell. In this episode of Save the Date, the dating coach and author dives into dating hacks developed from her best sales tactics, and how they can immediately change the way you date.

This is Save the Date, a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

 

Show notes:

The similarities between sales and dating [2:23]

A curse does exist in dating, but it’s not what you think [4:28]

Why self-knowledge is critical to dating [6:22]

How to shift your mindset around “prospecting” in dating [8:07]

Why it’s so important to end a date at the height of impulse [10:04]

How the SEE factor and mirroring can relax you on a date [12:58]

The difference between playing a game and strategizing [16:18]

Why Jessica wrote “Cursed?” [17:53]

What it means to be self-absorbed in dating and why this is such a big risk [20:47]

While “being present” may be overused today, there are good reasons why it is essential on any date [25:22]

Practical next steps to immediately improve your dating prospects [28:25]

What to do if the other person isn’t ready for a relationship but seems interested? [30:08]

What do you do when the date starts to go bad? [31:20]

The best dating advice Jessica has ever received [34:42]

Once piece of advice that will help people looking for a long-term relationship right now [35:32]

 

Quotes:

“My team told me I should write a book that takes these sales strategies and teaches daters how to date using them. So I wrote it.”

“There’s a difference between games and strategy. A strategy is going out with a certain number of people and arming yourself with these techniques so a person can really get to know you.”

“If you’re seeing a negative pattern in your relationships over and over again, the reason is you have a certain mindset that is sabotaging your love life.”

 “The purpose of a date is for you to get to know someone and them to get to know you. In order to do that, you both have to be in the present moment – you can’t be future-focused.”

“If you’re too self-focused, you can’t accurately assess what’s going on in the relationship or with the person sitting across from you.”

“Being loving is not about doing whatever another person asks. It means responding in a loving way. It means being loving in how you handle anyone in a situation.”

“People go on dates and they’re more concerned with what sounds good and what the other person is going to want. Focus on who you are and what is important to you.”

“You really have to know yourself and what you’re looking for. Otherwise, you’re going to be tied up into what the other person wants to hear from you, which is not important at all.”

“Just be yourself and don’t worry if the other person doesn’t like you. Just go into everything with good intentions and a good heart and it’ll be fine.”

“If you’re nervous on a date, ‘mirror theory’ is so helpful because all you have to do is mirror the other person. You don’t have to overthink it – your body language will come off just right.”

“Remember your ‘SEE Factor’: Smile, Eye Contact, Energy. The other person will feel that positive energy and know that you like them and are excited to meet them.”

“End your date at the height of impulse. If you’re having a great time on a date and thinking ‘I wish this date would never end,’ – that is the exact point where it should end.”

CMB and Getaway giving a 2-night stay to couples affected by COVID-19

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A lot of good things have been crossed off the calendar lately, from casual happy hours to some of life’s more important events, like weddings. 

Couples everywhere have been faced with the hard decision to cancel their big day. But through it all, we’ve seen them find a way to celebrate their love anyway. Some are swapping guest lists for Zoom invites and photo booths for webcams, but the end result is still the same: Two people coming together to pledge their love with friends and family there to witness (well, virtually at least). 

One such couple was Sophia and David, who met on CMB three years ago. The plan was to get married on April 25, 2020, but they spent the weeks leading up to the big day with increasing worry. 

As news about the spread of COVID-19 rolled in, the couple went from wondering if they should postpone their honeymoon to facing the reality that their wedding simply couldn’t happen as planned. 

Instead, they had an intimate backyard ceremony – just David, Sophia, and their church pastor, with 150 guests watching via livestream. Nothing went according to plan, but Sophia recounts that it was all the more special because it happened in the face of adversity. 

When we heard about their plan to pivot to a virtual wedding, our co-founders decided to surprise them during the reception with a gift. 

Watch their wedding surprise below:

 

 

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A post shared by Coffee Meets Bagel (@coffeemeetsbagel) on

 

We teamed up with Getaway to give them a 2-night stay at a Getaway cabin, and now we’re offering the same gift to up to 10 other couples whose weddings or honeymoons have been affected by COVID-19.

Gifting couples with a Getaway weekend

Has your wedding or honeymoon been derailed by the pandemic? You can apply for the opportunity to receive a free 2-night stay at one of Getaway’s cozy cabins. Picture it now: you and your partner, away from the hustle of day-to-day life, surrounded by all nature has to offer. And hey, maybe your dog is there, too. 

Sounds like the perfect mini-honeymoon, right? 

And don’t worry, the gift doesn’t have to be used immediately – only when you feel safe and comfortable with traveling. But if you’d like to escape ASAP, you can read more here on what Getaway is doing to ensure their locations are safe for guests. 

How do I apply?

If you’ve been reading along and thought something along the lines of “Hey, my wedding was affected by COVID-19,” then you’re the perfect fit – and we’d love for you to apply! 

We’re offering this 2-night Getaway stay to up to 10 couples who meet the qualifications. Here’s what you need to know about eligibility and the application:

– Your wedding or honeymoon was canceled or rescheduled due to COVID-19.

– If chosen, you’ll be required to show proof of cancellation (receipt, with date of the event).

– Five CMB couples and five non-CMB couples will be randomly selected.

– Getaway Outposts are only available in these locations: Atlanta, Austin/San Antonio, Boston, Dallas, Los Angeles, New York, Pittsburgh/Cleveland, Portland, and Washington, D.C.

– One couple per Getaway location will be chosen.

And that’s all there is to it! Fill out this application – the deadline to apply is May 5, 2020. We’ll reach out if you and your partner were selected. 

There’s nothing fun about canceled plans. But seeing couples do what they can to make the best of their situation has been inspiring to us here at CMB. We hope these Getaway weekends can be something fun added to the calendar. 

*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW. Ends May 5th, 2020 at 8:00am Eastern Time. Must be 21+, and be a legal resident of the U.S. Sponsor: Coffee Meets Bagel, Inc. Odds of winning depend on the number of entries received. Click here for complete rules.

 

Ready to get your virtual chat on? Download Coffee Meets Bagel to text yourself a link. Or, download CMB directly from your phone: iOS | Android

‘Coffee Talk’ gives CMB Community a place to virtually meet

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Stop us if any of this sounds familiar: You’ve recently dug up never-before-used puzzles from the games closet. Your Google search history includes “How to bake ciabatta.” And checking your phone’s screen time report? Forget about it.

At first, coronavirus was simply scary. And to be honest, it’s still scary. But with social distancing and shelter-in-place becoming the new normal, life has become a little lonely – and even boring, as well.

To combat the feelings of isolation and remind CMBers that we’re in this together (at least virtually), we’ve launched Coffee Talk: a virtual meetup with the CMB community.

Coffee Talk: conversations from the couch

Sure, we may have to be physically apart, but Coffee Talk gives CMB singles the chance to get their socialization on from the comfort of their own home – cozy slippers and glass of wine optional. 

Every Tuesday and Friday at 8 p.m. local time, we’ll be hosting virtual meetups for bagels in five major shelter-in-place cities: San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, and Washington, D.C.

How does it work?

Once each session starts, participants will be greeted by a CMB moderator. They’ll go over some ground rules and then kick things off with an initial icebreaker. 

From there, everyone will break into small groups of 6-8 people so they can have more intimate conversations. After about 20 minutes, we do a little bit of video-chat musical chairs and switch up groups, giving participants the opportunity to meet as many new people as possible. 

And while we’ll provide an icebreaker or two, anything goes for conversation – from dating during COVID-19, to your latest Animal Crossing tips and Netflix picks (“Tiger King,” anyone?)

At the end of the hour, we’ll bring all of the groups back together for some parting words. And if some CMB singles happened to hit it off, romantically or platonically, they’ll have the opportunity to exchange contact info via DM.

The buzz on Coffee Talk

We’ve hosted a few Coffee Talks so far and the response has been overwhelmingly positive: When surveyed, more than 90% of participants said they would join again. 

Many participants felt that chatting with people who are also getting used to this “weird new world” helped normalize their emotions. Hearing that you’re not alone in this feeling helps make it a bit more manageable. 

“I believe that CMB’s mission to create real connections is even more important in uncertain times like this,” says Dawoon Kang, Coffee Meets Bagel’s co-founder and -CEO. “We needed to be creative about how we can enable them to stay connected with one another in times of social distancing, shelter-in-place, and self quarantining.” 

With the news cycle constantly changing and being cut off from our normal day-to-day interactions, something as simple as a casual conversation with strangers can be the thing that turns your day around.

How do I sign up?

When you open the app on Tuesdays and Fridays before 3 p.m. local time, we’ll show an in-app announcement that will let you sign up for that night’s event. 

Remember, we’re hosting small groups to help daters really get to know one another, so that means space is limited. After signing up, be on the lookout for a follow-up email to let you know whether your spot is confirmed. If one night’s roster fills up fast, don’t let that deter you from signing up for the next one. We have plenty to talk about, so be sure to try again.

To sign up for our Coffee Talks on Tuesdays and Fridays at 8 p.m. local time, open your app (and hey, maybe check your noon bagel while you’re at it.).

 

Ready to get your virtual chat on? Download Coffee Meets Bagel to text yourself a link. Or, download CMB directly from your phone: iOS | Android

6 Virtual Date Ideas for CMB Matches

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As social distancing and quarantine life become “the new normal,” it’s easy to feel like much of life has been “canceled.” But the good stuff in life? You can’t cancel that. Here’s a recent CMB Instagram post inspired by author Jamie Tworkowski.

You see this list? Connections fall under the “good stuff” category. In fact, we might even say they fall under the category of “really good stuff.” So, sure, in-person dates are on pause. But CMB daters like you are finding creative ways to take their connections beyond chats. If you’re interested in trying something new together, ask a match out on one of these virtual dates.

1. Keep it casual with a video coffee date

A video coffee date is the perfect twist on the common video chat. How does it work? Schedule a time to video chat (Zoom, Facetime, and Skype are all good picks) to have casual conversation over coffee.

Not a coffee fan? Tea, water, or even a glass of wine will do (just maybe not for the morning; then again, you do you). There are no hard rules that say you have to have coffee or that it needs to be the morning; it just sounds better than, “Let’s Skype.” Plus, you can fill any awkward silences with a cooler-than-cool slurp of your beverage.

2. Make a throw-back phone call

For those of us used to Zooming, a phone call may seem a little…antiquated. But you heard it here first: phone calls are in. We won’t tell you how it works because we all know how to dial a number – and that’s the best part. It’s painfully simple, and there’s no need to find your best first-date outfit (because amid COVID-19 we all know it’s at the bottom of your laundry pile).

If you’re interested in talking on the phone but not so sure about giving out your phone number, consider using free-call services like Google Voice or Kakao Talk.

Pro Tip: Worried about carrying the conversation? Have a box of table-top cards on hand like the Icebreaker deck from Best Self Co to get things going. Just make sure you tell your date you’re bringing them out before you start the question party.

3. Challenge your match to a game night

Sometimes a little flying blue shell is what you need to spark chemistry. If you and your match are both into games, challenge them to a game night. Multiplayer and co-op videogames such as Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Castle Crashers, and Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime are guaranteed fun.

But if you don’t have any gaming systems on hand, there’s no need to buy one just for virtual dates. Mobile games like Words With Friends can be a lot of fun, too, as well as the traditional Battleship (if you both have the boardgame), Pictionary, or a casual 20 Questions.

4. Try something new with an online museum tour

There’s a certain kind of person who prefers museum and gallery dates to a casual cup of coffee. If that person’s you, don’t fret over the “closed” signs. Google’s got your back with virtual museum views, and there’s always The Smithsonian’s Museum of Natural History. Share a screen via video chat and explore the secrets of Stonehenge, or take turns pretending you’re the tour guide by making up backstories for exhibits.

If a museum tour just isn’t your thing, the Metropolitan Opera is presenting live streams of performances as well for the near future. Looking for something a little more…exotic? It’s a date: tune in at 3 p.m. EDT for “Home Safari Facebook Live,” where the Cincinnati Zoo will share an (albeit sometimes shaky) stream of one of their zoo animals.

These experiences may not be the right virtual date for every match, but if you’re both down to try something new – it’s worth a shot.

5. Stream movies with Netflix Party

Netflix and Chill is canceled for the near future, but Netflix Party is fair game. With Netflix Party, you can synchronize video playback and group chat while you watch your favorite Netflix TV shows and movies. Swap witty commentary, or simply sit back and watch something together to discuss afterward.

Even better: Use Netflix Party to stream Bandersnatch – an interactive “choose your story” film – and take turns deciding (or debating) where the story goes.

6. Get creative with a recipe swap

Let’s be real, watching people eat over video chat isn’t the sexiest date. But, there are still a few ways to bond over a meal that are a smidge cuter. Enter, the recipe swap. To start a recipe swap, ask your match about their favorite recipe. Then, give them yours. On your own time, or via video chat if you both have ingredients available, get to cooking and see how it turns out. Take your first bite via video chat to see immediate reactions.

Fridge looking grim? Play a virtual version of “Chopped” – the show where chefs are put head-to-head to see what meal they can come up with using limited ingredients. Better yet, share pantry lists and have your match choose the ingredients for you.

Wishing for more virtual date ideas?

If you’ve exhausted this list of virtual dates and you’re looking for more, stay in the loop on our Instagram. There, we’ll post more tried and true digital dates, as well as tips for dating during COVID-19. Feel free to drop a comment or DM us about your experience – we’d love to hear from you about what’s working (and what’s not) when it comes to dating during coronavirus.

Looking for someone to test out these virtual date ideas with? Download Coffee Meets Bagel to text yourself a link. Or, download CMB directly from your phone: iOS | Android

Couple

Dating Sunday Who? Valentine’s Day Draws More Bagels Than Ever

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February 14 is upon us, and you know what that means: National Ferris Wheel Day!

Just kidding. Well, not totally kidding because February 14 is actually National Ferris Wheel Day (if the internet is to be believed). But you know we’re really here to talk about Valentine’s Day – and particularly, how it affects daters on Coffee Meets Bagel.

Historically, Dating Sunday – the first Sunday of the new year – has reigned supreme as the ultimate day for online dating, with daters matching and chatting left and right. But here’s the plot twist: While Dating Sunday may have the most activity, Coffee Meets Bagel actually sees the most user sign-ups on Valentine’s Day.

After discovering that little tidbit, we did some more digging around last year’s February 14. Here’s what we found about the day of love on CMB.

New Daters in Search of a CMB Valentine
Couple holds hands

 
On Valentine’s Day 2019, there was a 63% spike in new user sign-ups compared to the previous 30 days. Put that next to Dating Sunday’s 61% increase in 2019, and it looks like Valentine’s Day takes the heart-shaped cake for new user sign-ups! 

Our data shows that these daters are getting an early jump on the holiday, with sign-ups peaking in the early hours of the morning. And we mean really early: The most popular time to sign up is between 2-3 a.m. EST on Valentine’s Day. 

Pro-tip: With the flood of new CMB’ers looking to match, you’ll want to make sure you stand out. Profiles with details filled out are 50% more liked than those with missing details, so do a quick review to make sure you’re putting your best foot (and photos) forward.

On V-Day, You’re More Likely to Match

couple on a beach

 

For bagels hoping to see an uptick in their number of matches, Valentine’s Day could give you the results you’re looking for. That’s because daters are 24% more likely to match on this Valentine’s Day compared to the previous year. 

And if the day is winding down but you’re not seeing the matches you expected, don’t give up hope yet: We see the most matches between 11-11:59 p.m. EST.

Pro-tip: When those matches do start rolling in, don’t wait to strike up a convo. It’s best to strike while the iron (or should we say bagel) is hot. Chats started on Coffee Meets Bagel within three hours of matching are 52% more likely to get a response!

Bagels Are Feeling Extra Chatty February 14
Couple chatting

 

Ready to get your wordsmith on? We sure hope so because Coffee Meets Bagel daters are 14% more likely to chat on Valentine’s Day, compared to the previous year.

And not only are they feeling more sociable, it looks like bagels are getting right to it and kicking V-Day off with some stimulating conversation. Coffee Meets Bagel daters are the chattiest between 10-11 a.m. EST, so make sure you have your morning coffee.

Pro-tip: We found that when someone leads with a question, the response rate increases by over 20%! Dig deep into your reservoir of icebreakers to snag your match’s attention instead of sending the simple “Hey, how are you?”

Bonus: New Feature Highlights Your ‘Most Likely to Match’

CMB Most Likely to Match

 

Valentine’s Day is already looking to be a hit on Coffee Meets Bagel, but we wanted to sweeten the deal. As you join the flurry of holiday activity, keep an eye out for a new feature we’re rolling out: Most Likely to Match. 

While all of your suggested bagels are tailored to your preferences and picked just for you (thanks to our wicked smart algorithms), you may occasionally stumble upon a bagel with the label “Most Likely to Match” on the top of their profile.

What does that mean exactly? It means that, based on your preferences and behaviors on the app, we think you and this bagel could really hit it off. The shiny Pokemon of bagels, if you will. 

And what exactly makes these potential matches so special? We’ve found that you’re 5x more likely to connect with “Most Likely to Match” bagels. In addition, these specially labeled potentials are likely to spend up to 3x longer viewing your profile than the average suggested bagel.

So whether you’re heading into February 14 with dreams of a potential partner (or ferris wheels, that’s cool, too), Coffee Meets Bagel is the place to meet someone special – and maybe snag a great date while you’re at it.

 

To meet someone special this Valentine’s Day, download Coffee Meets Bagel to text yourself a link. Or, download CMB directly from your phone: iOS | Android

 

5 Tips to Take Your Chats to the Next Level

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A note from David Osteen, in-house data scientist at CMB

Picture this: You open your Coffee Meets Bagel app and see you’ve made a new connection!

First comes that rush of exhilaration: you’re imagining all of the rom-com scenarios that are sure to unfold. But then, your brain busts in with a dose of negativity. Remember those matches that fizzled out with lackluster, forgettable messages?

As a data scientist at Coffee Meets Bagel, I’ve seen too many chats meet an untimely end due to an inability to convert a match into a fun, meaningful conversation. So, what gives? Why do some chats sizzle and other chats fizzle?

My team and I started looking into some of the chat data to answer this question. Here are my insider tips for turning your chats into conversations that lead to great dates.

1. Check Small Talk at the Door

Let’s be real, no one enjoys small talk. You grin and bear it at office Christmas parties. Why should you willingly engage in it when it comes to dating? Your time is more valuable than that.

Start your chat off with a bang by asking a question you genuinely want to hear the answer to. Say you’re a comic fanatic, ask who they think the best Avenger character is and share yours too. (It’s Captain Marvel, obviously.)

Feel weird about diving right into a chat with a question? Make sure to fill out your Icebreakers in your profile so we can help get things going. 

Here are some other questions to try out:

💬 What book are you reading?

💬 Have you picked up any new hobbies lately?

💬 What video games are currently obsessed with? (We should play together!)

Make sure you provide your own answer to your question, too, to help spark conversation. And, while my examples are a good start, feel free to get creative.

2. Don’t Wait to Break the Ice

If someone’s profile is interesting enough to earn your “like,” why wait to have a conversation? Procrastination may or may not be your middle name, but that won’t fly here.

It’s best to strike while the iron — or should I say bagel — is hot. Chats started on Coffee Meets Bagel within three hours of matching are 52% more likely to get a response!

Once you get rolling, don’t drag it out. Nothing kills conversation momentum quite like a reply that takes 16 hours. By that point, you don’t even remember what you were talking about without rereading past messages.

And plus, if conversation is flowing and you’re both feeling a spark, you’re that much closer to a great first date.

3. Don’t Be Scared to Make the First Move

For the love of all that is good, don’t let outdated, cliche dating rules lead you astray.

Guys should make the first move? Nope. You liked them first, so now it’s their turn? Forget it. Initiating the conversation gives away your power? Absolutely not!

My advice here is very simple but also very important: It’s just a chat. Don’t put so much pressure on it.

Reaching out first isn’t equivalent to a marriage proposal, it just means that you matched and would like to know more — it’s as simple as that. If you allow those misguided notions to dictate your dating life, you might miss out on promising opportunities.

4. Give Phone Calls a Chance

In today’s day and age, most of us freeze up when our phone actually rings. But when it comes to getting to know someone, a good ol’ fashioned phone call is invaluable.

That’s right, I’m suggesting that you pick up the phone, dial an actual number and talk on the phone like it’s 2005. Not only will you give your poor thumbs a break (hello, carpal tunnel!) but a phone call is a great change of pace. It can make you stand out and give you a better read on someone.

With online chatting and texting, people have time to craft the perfect, cool response. But, you can’t really get a feel for someone’s personality until you have a real life conversation. Chatting on the phone will reduce the chances you’ll be surprised within the first five minutes of meeting a bagel they just aren’t what you thought they’d be.

5. Take the Next Step or Wrap It Up

After a few exchanges, you should have a pretty good idea of whether you’d like to take this conversation face-to-face. And what better way to do that than with a virtual first date?

I know, virtual dates are a new concept we’ve all had to embrace thanks to our new world full of social distancing. But hear me out, because they have their perks:

💜 All you need is your laptop and boom – you can get to know someone from the comfort of your own home. No pants required (Just kidding, I insist you should wear pants.)

💜 It’s a safe and low-commitment way to get to know someone outside of a chat. Sometimes you can’t discover that spark until you have face-to-face interaction (even if it’s technically virtual). 

💜 You can try out new date ideas that you normally wouldn’t –  from virtual cooking classes to streaming an opera to playing virtual questionnaire games together. 

And here’s another reason to give virtual dates a chance: Everyone is new to this. We’re all fumbling and figuring it out together. Don’t believe me? We polled CMB daters and found out more than 80% of our Daters are open to virtual dates!

So if you want to have a virtual meetup with your bagel, don’t overthink it — just ask! This calls back to not putting so much pressure on the situation. If they say yes, congrats! If they say no, it’s all good — at least they were honest and didn’t waste your time with a date that would lead to nothing.

On the flip side, if you’ve been chatting but the spark isn’t happening, be honest and respectfully end the conversation. And I can’t stress this enough: don’t ghost!

Here are some ways to end a lackluster chat or politely decline an invite to meet:

💬 “I enjoyed chatting but I don’t think we’re a good fit. Thanks for the conversation and I hope you meet your right match!”

💬 “I enjoyed our convo but I don’t feel the connection. It was great meeting you and good luck with future bagels!”

Bonus: Keep an Eye Out for Scams

You’re here to meet people and have a good time, so don’t let the scammers of the world get in your way. While CMB does have an internal tool that runs 24/7 to combat scammers, it isn’t perfect (yet).

So, protect yourself, and your identity, by keeping personal information like phone numbers and email addresses to yourself until you are 100% comfortable.

Trust your gut and be aware of suspicious behavior, like someone pushing you to meet before you’re ready or asking for money. If it looks like a scam and walks like a scam… you get the picture. Report these people right away.

For more info on online dating safety, be sure to peek at our guide: “Online Dating Safety Tips: 5 Ways to Spot a Scammer.”

Time to Get Chatty

Now that you’re armed with these pro tips, it’s time to put them to the test and get to chatting with your matches! Every time you match with a bagel, a new convo with an icebreaker will appear in “Chats.” To get there, open your app and simply tap “Chats” in the bottom right corner.

Chatting isn’t meant to be hard, you just have to get out of your own head and be genuine. Keep my tips in mind and you’re sure to find yourself lost in conversation without breaking a sweat. Happy matching!

 

Feeling a meaningful conversation? Download the app now on iOS or Android if you haven’t already.

 

The Science to Setting Your Preferences & Liking Bagels

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A note from Steve Pollock, Chief Product Officer at Coffee Meets Bagel

I’ve had success meeting a long-term partner on a dating app. And while my last relationship didn’t work out because, well, life happens – it was an incredibly fulfilling relationship. And another bright side: My experience with dating apps led me to meet Arum and Dawoon Kang, co-founders of Coffee Meets Bagel. 

I’m Steve, the chief product officer at CMB. Like you, I’m actively dating and using apps, but now I have an inside view. My goal is to make you successful – and help you achieve your relationship goals. 

I’ve interviewed lots of online daters, and work closely with our product development and data science team. The data science is the part that’s responsible for matching you with compatible “bagels” on the app. Naturally, I’ve seen many of our success stories, face-to-face and in the data – I’ve been studying relationship dynamics for a long time.

I truly believe that, with the right know-how, and yes, real effort, you can find a meaningful relationship on CMB. Here’s how to make Coffee Meets Bagel work for you.

Setting Your Preferences

First, you’ll need to refine your profile with frame-worthy pics and details (Don’t worry, we’ll give you plenty of tips on this in the coming days.) Then, it’s time to set your Preferences and check out your bagels. But before you start, let’s talk about just how powerful those Preferences can be.

Preferences vs. Dealbreakers

When I first started using dating apps, I thought that getting ultra-specific about what kind of people I wanted to see was a no-brainer. That way, I’d get only quality matches, right? But as it turns out, being too specific about your Preferences may actually lower the quality of the bagels you receive. That’s all due to our algorithm!

How Does the CMB Algorithm Work?

Our algorithm categorizes your set Preferences as “must-haves” in Suggested. Later, the algorithm will use additional info, such as your interests, social circles, education levels, and more, to make educated choices about your best bagels.

But because it considers those Preferences as dealbreakers, this means our algorithm won’t suggest anyone who is even slightly outside of those guidelines. For example, if there’s someone attractive nearby who shares your interests, but they’re just one year older than the age limit you set, our algorithm can’t consider them as a potential match.

In short: too many specific criteria → smaller pool of bagels for the algorithm to work with → less quality matches.

So while you definitely shouldn’t lower your standards or compromise your values when it comes to finding a partner, make sure they’re an absolute must for you – not just a “nice to have.”

Getting Those Bagels

The hard work’s done! Now, it’s just time to sit back and like or pass on my bagels…right? Not so fast. While you can start matching right away, there’s actually a science to browsing bagels.

Focus on the Matches Who Matter

If you’re used to swipe-based dating apps, it may be tempting to “like” any and every one just to see if they like you back. But at Coffee Meets Bagel, we use a “slow dating” approach by sending only your best bagels once per day.

This approach means you’ll be meeting daters looking for a serious relationship (just like you!). So be thoughtful. Take your time looking at each profile and only tap “💜” if a bagel has you feeling some kind of way.

And if the connection just isn’t there? Don’t feel bad about passing — it’s much better than matching and then ghosting.

Give “Maybe Bagels” a Chance

Sometimes we have a couple of our CMB daters come into the office so we can gather feedback on their experience (and so they can pet our office doggos). When I observe them liking or passing on bagels, I’m often surprised to find they have the total opposite issue of the one above; they pass on everyone.

While it’s great to know exactly what you’re looking for, I recommend giving “maybe bagels” a shot. As you know from building your own profile, it’s hard to self promote!  The bagel’s profile may not tell their story well.

Could be interested in a bagel, but not 100% sure? Like them. Hey, they look cute in their first photo…but not feeling the second? Like them. See where it takes you – it could take you on a really memorable date! Tapping “like” doesn’t mean you’re in love.

And chatting with someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to meet IRL. Not every match you chat with will turn into a date, and that’s OK. Liking a bagel just means you’re interested enough to give them a chance!

How Premium Can Help

Lastly, I want to put in a good word for our CMB Premium package. OK, so I know it may look a little…self-serving. I get it. But since I get a glimpse into the backend data, I can genuinely say that Premium really is the fastest way to get more quality connections. In fact, on average, Premium subscribers connect up to 2x as often as non-subscribers.

Here’s what CMB Premium includes:

💜 Activity Reports: Unlock additional info on bagels – like how often they send the first message.

💜 Read Receipts: Don’t feel left in the dark! Know whether your messages have been read.

💜 Likes You: See everyone who likes you at once, and match instantly with bagels who’ve already liked you.  

💜 Bonus Beans & Features:

📱 iOS — Get 8 free Likes in Discover and enjoy Skip the Line to be seen first by bagels. 

📱 Android — Get 6,000 free beans each month to use on special features.

The Next Steps

✔️  Double check that your set Preferences are deal-breakers for you. To edit your Preferences, tap your “profile” icon. On iOS, tap on “Profile Preferences.” On Android, tap on the pencil icon in the bottom right corner. Navigate to the Preferences tab to select them.

✔️  Ready to try out a subscription? Head to the Bean Shop to see our latest subscription offerings and tap “Subscribe.”

You’re all set! Whether you try our Premium or just stick to your new liking routine, I hope you feel empowered to make your best connections on CMB.

If you’re ready to meet matches who matter, download Coffee Meets Bagel on iOS or Android.

 

Online Dating Safety Tips: 5 Ways to Spot a Scammer

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A note from Brenda Guardado, head of customer experience

Finding a good date used to be at the top of my “things I dread” list, right after public speaking and queuing at the bank. So, when apps like Coffee Meets Bagel came onto the scene, I was beyond relieved. I didn’t have to frequent loud bars, or try to recreate that rom-com scene where the woman bumps into a hunk at a supermarket and the 99-cent-oranges display goes flying.

But while coming across a good date got easier, so did coming across a less savory type: scammers.

Now as the head of customer experience at Coffee Meets Bagel, I’ve heard the happily-ever-after stories and the I-fell-for-a-scam stories. And while CMB does have technology in place to prevent scammers from joining in the first place, we can’t catch all of them by ourselves (yet).

So before you can star in your own dating app success story, check out my tips on how to stay safe.

Quick Online Dating Safety Tips

Buckle up! Safety, first. Before we hop into the five signs your match might be a scammer, check out these quick tips.

  • Never send money, gift cards, or account info to matches — especially if you haven’t met them in person.
  • Keep your exact workplace and address a secret until you’ve met in person and have built trust over time. (Some experts advise also keeping your last name private until after your first date.)
  • Tell your friends or family about when & where you’re meeting a match for the first time. Provide your own transportation, and always meet in a safe, public place, such as a coffee shop.

And, most importantly, if you ever feel uncomfortable or harassed when chatting with a match, stop talking to them and report them on the app. Then, block them from other messaging services if applicable. If you’re already on a date, leave immediately. Dating should never feel scary.

Signs Your Match Might Be a Scammer

Now that we’ve taken care of the crucial safety tips, you’re all set! Well, almost. I want you to spend time on matches who matter on CMB, not scammers. Here’s how to spot if your match is a scammer before you get involved.

1. They Go From 0-100

Oftentimes, scammers use artful tactics to try and sweep you off your feet. They might shower you with compliments or use flowery, romantic language right off the bat. They might give you a wholesome Disney-eqsue monologue about how they’re “just looking for love,” and “U the one 4 me, babe.” But I know you’re smarter than that, so you’ll see your match moving too fast as a red flag.

Another red flag: They’ll want to take things off the app and start texting, calling, or using other messaging apps (such as Kik, WhatsApp, or WeChat) ASAP. To cut to the chase, they may even include this contact info in their bio.

2. Their Stories Pull on Your Heartstrings

Gone are the days when all scammers were Nigerian princes. Nowadays, they’re architects, oil-rig engineers, geologists, make-up artists, nurses, and more. But one of the most common careers scammers claim to have is that of a soldier, or any career related to the military. And oftentimes they are oh-so-conveniently stationed far overseas where they can’t meet you in person.

But their real job title? A sly scammer. They may even claim to be religious (a tactic used for inspiring trust), or tell you a sob story: they’re a recent widow and their partner has passed in a tragic accident. Or, perhaps they have a sick child or parent they care for. While these unfortunate circumstances may be true for a small portion of singles involved in online dating, one of the telltale signs you’ve matched with a scammer doesn’t come until later — when they ask for your money.

3. They’re Just Too Good to Be True

If your match has profile photos that belong in a magazine catalogue, you’ve either met a model, or a scammer. And while both exist in real life (models aren’t Bigfoot, after all), it would be very unlikely for a real person not to have any casual, non-professional photos in their profile pic lineup.

In short, if your match has too-good-to-be-true photos, your match may indeed be too good to be true. But just because your match is in sweatpants in their pic (which, to be clear, is not a good dating photo best practice) doesn’t mean you’re in the clear.

Take note of other profile/photo inconsistencies. For example, if their profile says they’re 32, but they look only 22 in their picture, that’s a red flag. Likewise, if their profile claims they have a high level of education, but their grammar is disjointed, something might be up.

4. Meeting in Person Isn’t an Option

We know that the most meaningful connections happen face-to-face, so on Coffee Meets Bagel, we encourage members to meet in person. So if your match isn’t keen on meeting in real life, you should raise an eyebrow.

One of the most common excuses scammers use to avoid meeting in person is claiming that they work abroad. And if they won’t even agree to chat on the phone, you should hear alarm bells.

One way you can combat catfishing — someone pretending to be someone they aren’t online — is by fact-checking. Try running a Google reverse image search to check if they have multiple profiles under different names or with different info. Some scammers may also steal photos from influencers, low-profile celebrities, or stock sources.

5. They Ask for Money, Gift Cards, or Account Info

Lastly, and most importantly, if your match asks you for money, gift cards, or your account information, stop all communication immediately. It is extremely likely this person is a scammer.

But, it isn’t always clear right away. Many scammers will play the long-game by trying to build trust with you over time. Then, suddenly, there’s an “emergency,” and they need money quickly. Here’s a few types of fake emergencies they may claim to have:

  • They were robbed and need money
  • They have to book a last-minute business trip
  • They need a loan
  • They or their family member has a medical emergency

Sometimes, scammers may also ask for gift cards, such as an iTunes gift card. But, you should never trust a match who claims they need anything from you but your time and words, even if they promise to pay you back.

Another way a scammer might try to steal from you is less direct: by gaining access to your accounts. While some may directly ask you for your account info, routing numbers, social security number, or driver’s license info, others may be more sneaky.

If you match asks you strangely specific personal questions about old addresses, your pets’ names, or schools you’ve attended, be cautious. They could be trying to gain access to your accounts by resetting your passwords via security question answers.

How to Report a Match on CMB

If you think you’ve come across or matched with a scammer, or if your match has violated our terms of service, please report them. By reporting a scammer, you’re preventing them from scamming other lovely bagels on our app in the future.

To report a bagel in Suggested, simply tap on the flag icon in their profile. To report a bagel in Discover, submit a request.

 

 

Ready to meet someone special? Download Coffee Meets Bagel on iOS or Android.

How to Fill Out Your Dating Profile Like a Pro

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A note from Paige Butterfield, senior writer at CMB

Answering the first prompt on my Coffee Meets Bagel dating profile, “I am… ,” went something like this:

“I am…always up for an adventure!” Wait, who am I kidding? I’m waiting for a burrito delivery.

“I am…optimistic!” No, no. Too optimistic. DELETE.

“I am…a writer for a living, and yet somehow filling out my CMB profile is hella difficult.”

Let’s get something straight: writing a good dating profile takes real effort. But, it also produces real results. In fact, profiles with details filled out on Coffee Meets Bagel are 50% more liked than profiles with missing details.

But buckle up, this research is headed to party town. When the co-founders of Coffee Meets Bagel pulled the stats to figure out the difference between the profiles of people who entered a relationship through CMB vs. people who stayed single, it boiled down to one thing: their profile length.

Then again, while the research on profile length is encouraging, filling in your profile with an exposé on the plot holes in the Star Wars cinematic universe isn’t going to make you more likely to land a date. (Or is it?)

Instead, follow these five simple tips to fill out your profile like a pro. 

1. Think of your profile as a giant icebreaker

Brian, head of Android at Coffee Meets Bagel

Your profile details’ first job is to help you stand out from the crowd. But, it has a passion project, too: to give you and your matches something to talk about as soon as you connect.

And while Coffee Meets Bagel does give you the chance to write your own icebreakers (hidden from your profile) to start off a chat, you can never have too much to talk about. So ask, “What would I tell someone about myself to spark conversation?”

For example, instead of filling out CMB’s second prompt, “I like… ,” as  “I like…plants,” you could instead write:

“I like…taking care of my indoor herb garden 🌱. I feel like a pro chef when I add fresh oregano to my homemade pizza! Fair warning: a virtual pizza party with me might end with you learning some scientific plant names.”

Now, you’re taking a potential conversation from, “So…plants,” to conversation on indoor gardens, pizza, and cooking.

2. Be specific because everyone likes dogs


Audrie, senior graphic designer at Coffee Meets Bagel

Already, by approaching your profile details as one giant icebreaker, you’re on your way to success. That’s because the more specific we can get, the more our personal story will really shine against the crowd of “The Office” binge-watchers, adventure-seekers, and dog-lovers.

That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with loving dogs (and if there is, I don’t want to be right). But, instead of writing, “I am…a dog-lover,” try:

“I am…a dog parent to a bubbly corgi, Sheldon. When I’m not at the dog park with him 🐕, I’m learning how to surf.”

Not only would you be sharing your love for dogs, but I can already imagine you and Sheldon playing at the park. It feels real, and people don’t want to connect with profiles; they want to connect with people. Plus, you’re sharing an additional activity you enjoy, which could spark conversation – or even lead to a video chat featuring Sheldon himself.

3. Tell ‘em what you want


Jackie, social media manager at Coffee Meets Bagel

Getting specific about what you’re looking for from the get-go might feel a little awkward. But on Coffee Meets Bagel, we give you the prompt, “I appreciate when my date… ,” because we know that being open about what you’re looking for is really important. And what you write may not attract everyone, but it will attract that right someone.

Looking for specific values, like kindness and honesty? Write it out. Is an active lifestyle or adherence to a certain diet important to you? Say so. In search of a friendly opponent for a virtual video game date? Shout it out loud! (Or, you know, casually add it to your profile.)

But, do be mindful of how you come across. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being negative on your profile, and sass like, “If you smoke, swipe left,” isn’t attractive. Instead, focus on what you are looking for. An alternative to the smoking comment could be, “I appreciate when my date…values a healthy lifestyle 🍎.”

4. Give them a chuckle


Blake, software engineer at Coffee Meets Bagel

It’s no shock that “makes me laugh” is one of both men and women’s most-asked-for qualities in a date on CMB.

But your job isn’t to make everyone laugh — it’s just to put a smile on the person that’s right for you. So, don’t worry if you aren’t a comedian, or if your knock-knock jokes are a little — or a lot — rusty. Just be yourself and don’t be afraid to get playful or show some wit when you write your profile.

Not feeling it? That’s okay, just keep it light. Skip to tip number five ✋.

5. You’re awesome, be awesome

Dawoon, co-founder and -CEO of Coffee Meets Bagel

Sometimes it feels easier to write something generic or even nothing at all because you don’t want to look like you’re “trying too hard,” or perhaps you’re afraid of rejection. I’ve been there.

Rejection hurts, so you try to mold yourself into the person that everyone will like. But by pretending to be someone that everyone likes, you won’t stand out to that person who’s really right for you.

So be authentic. Be vulnerable. Be you. Not a lot of people are brave enough to do that, so you’ll stand out like an everything bagel in a row of plain ones.

Bonus: Give your grammar a check-up

You don’t need a solid viewpoint on the Oxford comma (because let’s face it — everyone already knows it is the way of truth 😉), but for the love of all that’s good in the world, use spell check. Even better, have a friend review your profile for mistakes. You may think grammar is no big deal, but even a small typo could make you come across as careless. And you’re awesome, remember?

Edit Your Profile Details

So, you’ve got all of your profile pro tips in your noggin. Now what? It’s time to jazz up your profile to show off the true you.

To edit your profile on Coffee Meets Bagel, just tap your “profile” icon. On iOS, tap “View and edit your profile,” and then “Edit” in the top right corner. On Android, tap on the pencil icon in the bottom right corner. Here, you can switch between your photos, details, and preferences. Today, make sure you give extra attention to your details.

Deciding what to write on your dating profile, and even how to say it, is tough. But with these five tips (and maybe a burrito to get your brain working), I think you’re going to do great.

 

Ready to get your wordsmith on? If you haven’t already, download Coffee Meets Bagel on Android or iOS.

 

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