Queer dating coach Ariella Serur is on a mission to disrupt traditional dating advice. Why? Because online dating should be exciting, not exhausting. In addition to being a dating coach, Ariella is currently receiving a Graduate Advanced Certificate from Columbia University’s School of Psychology in Sexuality, Women, and Gender with a concentration in LGBTQ Issues. Today, she’s here to talk about how queer daters can courageously navigate the dating landscape without feeling overwhelmed.
As comedians and hosts of the hit podcast “Girls Gotta Eat,” Rayna Greenberg and Ashley Hesseltine are experts at going beyond the surface and really connecting with people. So today, they’re going to help us ditch the boring small talk and get to the good stuff. Let’s learn from Rayna and Ashley about how we can make conversations with our dates actually fun and juicy.
SHOW NOTES:
How Ashley & Rayna became good communicators [01:19]
Lean into what you have in common [04:59]
How preparing for a date is helpful [06:23]
A terrible date can still be a good story [10:29]
There is no such thing as a bad date [11:29]
Safety first [16:37]
Date only when you feel good about yourself and your life [18:12]
When you’re dating someone new and it feels right, it makes sense to start wondering about the next steps. Should I introduce them to my family? Will they love my dog? When are we going to have sex?
If that last question made you pause, you’re not alone. Talking about sex pretty much everywhere has a reputation for being uncomfortable or even taboo. This is especially true for singles in Singapore.
But we don’t think that has to be the status quo anymore. So, we got together with Durex to tackle the topic and give Singaporeans the tools they need to speak up about sex.
Spoiler alert, talking about sex is tough
To kick off our campaign with Durex, we asked daters in Singapore for their thoughts around talking about sex. Right away, we realized that plenty of people actually want to talk about it…but just aren’t.
It turns out that asking if your date wants to have sex isn’t really the hard part. Only 26% of daters said that’s where they get tripped up. But more than half of singles said the No. 1 thing they have trouble talking about is health and safety, like STD history or latest test date.
There was also a difference between men and women when it comes to bringing up sexual health with someone new.
These numbers show that women in Singapore might be bearing more of the burden around safe sex practices. And that burden is even more difficult if you and your partner aren’t actually talking about it.
What’s stopping daters from talking about sex?
When asked why they aren’t bringing up sex with their dates, 40% of daters said the same thing: it’s super uncomfortable.
Societal expectations play a major role here when we break down why talking about sex is uncomfortable in the first place. The No. 1 reason daters don’t feel like it’s OK to talk about sex with someone new? They don’t want to seem too forward or promiscuous.
One other reason stood out when daters shared why they aren’t talking about sex: 42% of women don’t feel comfortable talking about it because they just aren’t interested in sex before marriage, while only 19% of men felt this way.
How we can normalize talking about sex
We know dating is already complicated enough. And talking about something as awkward as sex adds an extra layer of worry. So, we figured the best thing to do was to be as forward as possible, and sat down with some daters to have them answer questions about sex together.
Daters in Singapore sit down together to answer questions about sex and dating.
Here’s the simple truth: You can’t have an honest, lasting relationship without good communication. And your sex life is included in that, too. If you want to know something about your date, like where they grew up or what their plans are for the future, you’d ask them. The same should go for questions around sex.
And even if you’re not interested in pre-marital sex, that doesn’t mean you should skip the conversation. It’s important that you share your plans with your dates and encourage them to do the same in return. That way, you can both make informed decisions about whether your wants and needs are compatible.
So that’s why we’re here to give you the tools you need to confidently ask the questions. We asked daters what they struggle with most and want to learn more about – here’s what we got.
How do I bring up sex?
You want to talk about sex with your dates…but just have no clue where to start. We totally get that, it’s a whole new world for a lot of us. Here are some questions to get you started:
💜 Is sex something you’re interested in?
💜 What are you looking for in a sexual partner?
💜 At what point would you feel comfortable having sex?
💜 What are some boundaries you need to set before sex?
💜 If you’re sleeping with other people, have you been tested?
Obviously, you don’t have to ask every one of these questions like some sort of interview. Think of these questions as guidelines to feel out what matters most to you, and you can ask them when the time feels right.
How do I set boundaries in my sex life?
We all know boundaries are important for a healthy relationship. But what does a boundary even mean? They’re going to look different for everyone. Here’s a few guidelines to help you figure yours out.
Think about past experiences. What did you like, what didn’t you like? Use those to figure out what you’d like your date to know now.
Get comfortable saying no. If you’re not down to have sex until a certain time or don’t want to try something they’re into, speak up. And if your date can’t respect those boundaries, it’s a sign to move on.
Write it down. Try filling out a yes/no/maybe worksheet to figure out what you’re both into. Writing things down and reading responses on your own time takes away some of that awkwardness that comes with talking in person.
Talk safety. Test dates, condom use, STD history, all that. And remember, safewords aren’t just for BDSM relationships. They work any time you need to quickly express when something isn’t right.
How do I build intimacy through sex?
OK, now you know the importance of talking about sex and you can cover the basics. Let’s build on that to make your relationship and sex life even better.
Start outside the bedroom. No, not like what you’re thinking. Ditch the small talk and work on opening up outside of your sex life, instead. That way you’ll feel more comfortable being real about what you like sexually.
Talk about your definitions. To you, sex might mean one thing. But to the person you’re seeing, it might look a little different. If you two aren’t on the same page, it might lead to a misunderstanding or unmet expectations.
Be explicit. Be clear about what you like and don’t like. If you’re just going through the motions with each other, chances are you’re not having the best sex you could be having. It can be as simple as “Hey, that whole leg move we did? I definitely cramped up. Let’s not do that again.”
Discover your fantasies. Once you’ve got that whole using-your-words thing down, move on from basic boundaries to sexual fantasies. You might feel silly, and maybe you’ll laugh or fumble while trying it out, but letting your partner try something new with you is super intimate.
Be prepared. Let’s be real, nothing kills a mood faster than not having peace of mind. Make sure you’ve got what you need, like condoms, beforehand. That way, it’s less worrying and more focusing on each other.
Where we can go from here
Listen, sex isn’t an easy topic, and we’re not all going to suddenly become experts who never fumble their way through a tough conversation. But we have to start somewhere if we want to make talking about sex our new normal.
If you want to learn more dating advice like this, be sure to check out our Instagram. We can get better at building lasting, stronger relationships together.
Welcome to Flirting 101. I’m joined by Kimmy Seltzer, a competence therapist, dating strategist, matchmaker, and host of the hit podcast: The Charisma Quotient. Kim runs a multitude of learning workshops and helps clients all over the world to unveil their most beautiful selves, and today she’s going to help us figure out this whole flirting thing.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
How Kimmy defines dating [2:02]
What is being playful going to lead you to? [11:27]
Recommendations to start tapping back into your inner childlike playfulness [19:08]
Things about body language you should be aware of [30:05]
Bring up the chemistry level [40:14]
Redefining rejection [43:53]
Best dating advice Kimmy has ever received [46:57]
Today, we’re joined by dating coach Damona Hoffman to talk about race and dating. Having grown up in a family of interracial marriage with a white, Jewish father and African American mother who also have different religious backgrounds, this is a topic that has influenced and shaped her. On top of being a renowned dating coach who regularly shares her dating expertise on media outlets like the LA Times, the Washington Post, and “The Drew Barrymore Show,” she also has an amazing podcast that just celebrated its 350th episode.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
What shaped Damona’s view as a dating coach [2:40]
Getting over the differences of dating somebody of a different background [5:09]
Vocalizing your worries early in the relationship [12:30]
Fun things that happen when dating somebody of different background [21:46]
Dating apps brought a major increase in interracial relationships [29:24]
Things to be aware of when making personal dating choices [35:05]
The best dating advice that Damona has received [40:41]
Today I’m joined by author, podcast host, and dating coach Evan Marc Katz, who focuses his expertise on how to help strong, successful women find a lasting relationship that fits them best. Alexa, play “Single Ladies” and let’s get into it.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
Why Evan coaches only single women [0:55]
Common challenges Evan sees among his clients [6:53]
Five non-negotiable must-haves [11:09]
The most common problem female clients face [18:33]
Expectations that get in the way of dating success [23:26]
Finances and status-related expectations [29:07]
Evan’s Love U course preview [33:36]
The best dating advice Evan has ever received [41:33]
“People compromise on the wrong qualities and don’t realize it until it’s too late. Without character, kindness, consistency, communication, and commitment, you’re never going to be happy. “
“It’s easy to help men because so many men are not good at the art of dating or understanding women. A little bit goes a very long way for a man who’s interested in bettering himself.”
“People cling to dramatic relationships. We get used to those relationships. We normalize those relationships. It should be easy, and you should never accept anything less than that.”
“Compromising and settling entail the same thing. They both involve trade-offs. However, compromise is a trade-off you’re happy with. Settling is a trade-off you’re not happy with.”
“You don’t have to fundamentally change who you are to find lasting love, you just need to choose better partners who are more compatible with you. Once you do that, relationships are easy.”
“Don’t take on a guy who will be a great boyfriend only if he changes. Men aren’t hiring you to be their consultants. They want to be accepted in full. You have to assume this is it. “
“There’s more to relationships than marrying someone who’s the most impressive. We’re not evaluating the person. If your relationship is a 10, you might want to hold on to it.”
“Nobody wants to give up on the list they’ve had in their head that they insist they deserve. There’s nothing wrong with dating sites. It’s the way we’re using them that’s the problem.”
“Don’t evaluate the person, evaluate the relationship when comparing your exes side by side. How is the relationship? That’s the thing that’s worth preserving. “
“Relationships shouldn’t be work, they take effort. Good relationships don’t have this normalized feeling of anxiety. If you’re constantly on edge, you’re in the wrong relationship.”
Terms and Conditions: Available only to those who are directed via the Resy link. This offer is available to both new and current Coffee Meets Bagel daters. Valid from May 17th – May 31st.
Today, I’m really honored to have Anna Sale, creator of the hit podcast from WNYC Studios called “Death, Sex & Money,” with me here today. In her podcast as well as her new book, “Let’s Talk About Hard Things,” she dives deeply into subjects that are really hard to talk about, but we need to be talking about more: death, sex, money, family, and identity.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
Anna’s book, “Let’s Talk About Hard Things” [1:17]
Why money is a hard thing to talk about [2:15]
How we can change our relationship with money [6:48]
We shouldn’t let money be a barrier to our ability to build an intimate connection [15:18]
When is the right time to raise topics like money? [19:46]
“Dating is not just going out there and seeing if people like you. It’s giving you an opportunity to decide if you like them.”
“In dating, you want to be really understood by someone who is going to stretch you in an interesting way. Someone who’s going to make your life more than it would be without them.”
“In dating, you’re going to meet people with a different family or cultural background around money. You can’t make financial decisions together without talking about money.”
“In a relationship, money functions in two ways. There is the amount of money you have. And then there’s also the ways you feel about money; what your personality is around money.”
“It’s an interesting moment to learn about how you interact when the check comes on a date. It shows how you feel about conventions and traditions and the kind of relationship you want.”
“Money and status are very connected. And whether you feel like you’re measuring up compared to other people, money is a very blunt way of assessing that.”
“It’s important to know what money means to you. What is your vision? You need to be able to communicate that to potential partners to set you up for the kind of life you want to live.”
Today, I am so excited to have the perfect expert to tackle the subject of sex. Sex is a really exciting subject, but it’s also sensitive and it makes us feel nervous. It definitely makes me feel nervous. And especially when we’re trying to broach the subject for the first time to our dates that makes it really, really difficult.
If I’m honest, I was never good at it when I was dating and even now, I’ve been in a relationship for a few years with my partner, it makes me uncomfortable to talk about sex with my partner. So that is why I am so excited to have Shadeen Francis here with me today to help us learn how we can approach the topic of sex with confidence and comfort.
Shadeen Francis is a licensed psychotherapist, media personality graduate professor, and author whose expertise spans the domain of sex therapy, emotional intelligence, and social justice. She has been featured on many platforms like ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, and the New York Times to share her unique perspective.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
When is the right time to talk about sex? [1:30]
Topics to address before having sex [4:56]
How long to wait before having sex [10:47]
Tips for bringing up sex as a topic of conversation [23:54]
A live example of this sort of conversation [31:17]
How to feel safe while having a vulnerable conversation [40:32]
The best dating advice Shadeen ever received [48:50]
“Before you start having sex, you have to talk about sex. Without the conversation, all we’re doing is running off of assumptions that we are both looking for the same things.”
“I encourage people to talk about their boundaries upfront. Boundaries are your yes, and your no. So, not just all the no-go zones, but also all of the openings and entry points.”
“Whatever meanings we have around sex is absolutely going to impact what we do, how we feel, and how we continue to think about sex.”
“The more you get to know yourself, the better you have an understanding of your own meaning of sex. That meaning impacts what we do, how we feel, and how we continue to think about sex.”
“We have sexual attitudes, sexual beliefs, core values, and sexual feelings. The more you get to know yourself, the better you have an understanding of your own meaning of sex.”
“What we’re actually looking for in our sexual experiences are a set of feelings, you are wanting sex to make you feel a particular type of way.”
“Sex itself is not actually a taboo topic. You are really just talking about pleasure and all of the layers of what it would mean for you and this other person to feel good together.”
“I really want to empower us to reclaim agency over our bodies. It starts with getting information and sharing that with other people. That’s how we reclaim our rights to pleasure.”
“I don’t want us to think of our boundaries, our no’s, our shifts, our redirections, or our course corrections as a negative thing, This is important relationship-building information.”
“People are allowed to feel how they feel about what it is that we are stating, naming, asking for, doing. You’re saying, I want to go deeper with you, build with you. I want more.”
“When we are making requests, we are giving people, especially when they are actually tied to things we want or need, opportunities to participate in pleasure with us.”
“When I am opening up some vulnerability by making a request, it is an opportunity for someone to meet my needs. It’s an opportunity for someone to participate in helping me feel good.”
“We have so few conversations, and so few vulnerable conversations around sex, that we are often just taken by surprise.”
“We’re not always going to have the same palates. We’re not always going to want the same things at the same time. It’s just not to this person’s taste, and that’s okay.”
Today I’m joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson, a clinical psychologist, relationship coach, and host of the “Let’s Get Vulnerable” podcast. I love that: let’s get vulnerable. Today, we’re not only going to talk about attachment styles, we’re going to dig into how your attachment style could be making or breaking your dating life. When I first learned about this concept of attachment style, I was like: “Oh my god, this explains everything about my dating life!”
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
What is secure attachment? [0:59]
Why is secure attachment important in our dating life? [6:10]
How to get assurance around your own attachments [10:59]
How can two people in a relationship move towards secure attachment [13:49]
How to approach dating if you’re an avoidant style [22:52]
Examples of unhealthy coping strategies [32:35]
How to approach people on dates using this knowledge [38:05]
The best dating advice Dr. Morgan Anderson has ever received [40:27]
“Attachment theory is the understanding of how our early relationship experiences with caregivers create a template for how we navigate relationships throughout the rest of our lives.”
“Secure attachment is where we all want to be. This is where both our needs matter. I value closeness and taking care of myself. I can set boundaries as a healthy relationship develops.”
“Our brain is looking for partners who fit the template that we have for love.”
“You need to be a love scientist. You want to be showing up in dating with zero expectations, you’re just gathering the data.”
“The person that is meant for you will show up, hear you, and take in what you have to say. They are not your person if expressing your needs and how you feel pushes them away.”
“A relationship is a living, breathing thing. It’s the third entity between two people. And sometimes you have two amazing people, but that third entity just doesn’t function well.”
“Each new person you meet is an opportunity to be curious and really learn about who they are and how you feel around them.”
“Secure attachment is being really, really curious, openly and honestly expressing what you need, and seeing how they respond to that. And if it’s not a good fit, you move on.”
“If you’re communicating what you need, and it’s not being met over and over, they don’t have the capacity to meet you where you’re at, and you’re not getting what you need.”
“Is a relationship adding or subtracting value to your life? If there is more energy drain, more value subtraction, you need to ask yourself, is this really worth continuing?”
“How do you want to feel in your relationship? You’re creating the relationship culture from early on, so you need to be intentional about what that looks like in the early stages of dating.”
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