Today, we’re joined by dating coach Damona Hoffman to talk about race and dating. Having grown up in a family of interracial marriage with a white, Jewish father and African American mother who also have different religious backgrounds, this is a topic that has influenced and shaped her. On top of being a renowned dating coach who regularly shares her dating expertise on media outlets like the LA Times, the Washington Post, and “The Drew Barrymore Show,” she also has an amazing podcast that just celebrated its 350th episode.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
What shaped Damona’s view as a dating coach [2:40]
Getting over the differences of dating somebody of a different background [5:09]
Vocalizing your worries early in the relationship [12:30]
Fun things that happen when dating somebody of different background [21:46]
Dating apps brought a major increase in interracial relationships [29:24]
Things to be aware of when making personal dating choices [35:05]
The best dating advice that Damona has received [40:41]
Today I’m joined by author, podcast host, and dating coach Evan Marc Katz, who focuses his expertise on how to help strong, successful women find a lasting relationship that fits them best. Alexa, play “Single Ladies” and let’s get into it.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
Why Evan coaches only single women [0:55]
Common challenges Evan sees among his clients [6:53]
Five non-negotiable must-haves [11:09]
The most common problem female clients face [18:33]
Expectations that get in the way of dating success [23:26]
Finances and status-related expectations [29:07]
Evan’s Love U course preview [33:36]
The best dating advice Evan has ever received [41:33]
“People compromise on the wrong qualities and don’t realize it until it’s too late. Without character, kindness, consistency, communication, and commitment, you’re never going to be happy. “
“It’s easy to help men because so many men are not good at the art of dating or understanding women. A little bit goes a very long way for a man who’s interested in bettering himself.”
“People cling to dramatic relationships. We get used to those relationships. We normalize those relationships. It should be easy, and you should never accept anything less than that.”
“Compromising and settling entail the same thing. They both involve trade-offs. However, compromise is a trade-off you’re happy with. Settling is a trade-off you’re not happy with.”
“You don’t have to fundamentally change who you are to find lasting love, you just need to choose better partners who are more compatible with you. Once you do that, relationships are easy.”
“Don’t take on a guy who will be a great boyfriend only if he changes. Men aren’t hiring you to be their consultants. They want to be accepted in full. You have to assume this is it. “
“There’s more to relationships than marrying someone who’s the most impressive. We’re not evaluating the person. If your relationship is a 10, you might want to hold on to it.”
“Nobody wants to give up on the list they’ve had in their head that they insist they deserve. There’s nothing wrong with dating sites. It’s the way we’re using them that’s the problem.”
“Don’t evaluate the person, evaluate the relationship when comparing your exes side by side. How is the relationship? That’s the thing that’s worth preserving. “
“Relationships shouldn’t be work, they take effort. Good relationships don’t have this normalized feeling of anxiety. If you’re constantly on edge, you’re in the wrong relationship.”
Terms and Conditions: Available only to those who are directed via the Resy link. This offer is available to both new and current Coffee Meets Bagel daters. Valid from May 17th – May 31st.
Today, I’m really honored to have Anna Sale, creator of the hit podcast from WNYC Studios called “Death, Sex & Money,” with me here today. In her podcast as well as her new book, “Let’s Talk About Hard Things,” she dives deeply into subjects that are really hard to talk about, but we need to be talking about more: death, sex, money, family, and identity.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
Anna’s book, “Let’s Talk About Hard Things” [1:17]
Why money is a hard thing to talk about [2:15]
How we can change our relationship with money [6:48]
We shouldn’t let money be a barrier to our ability to build an intimate connection [15:18]
When is the right time to raise topics like money? [19:46]
“Dating is not just going out there and seeing if people like you. It’s giving you an opportunity to decide if you like them.”
“In dating, you want to be really understood by someone who is going to stretch you in an interesting way. Someone who’s going to make your life more than it would be without them.”
“In dating, you’re going to meet people with a different family or cultural background around money. You can’t make financial decisions together without talking about money.”
“In a relationship, money functions in two ways. There is the amount of money you have. And then there’s also the ways you feel about money; what your personality is around money.”
“It’s an interesting moment to learn about how you interact when the check comes on a date. It shows how you feel about conventions and traditions and the kind of relationship you want.”
“Money and status are very connected. And whether you feel like you’re measuring up compared to other people, money is a very blunt way of assessing that.”
“It’s important to know what money means to you. What is your vision? You need to be able to communicate that to potential partners to set you up for the kind of life you want to live.”
Today, I am so excited to have the perfect expert to tackle the subject of sex. Sex is a really exciting subject, but it’s also sensitive and it makes us feel nervous. It definitely makes me feel nervous. And especially when we’re trying to broach the subject for the first time to our dates that makes it really, really difficult.
If I’m honest, I was never good at it when I was dating and even now, I’ve been in a relationship for a few years with my partner, it makes me uncomfortable to talk about sex with my partner. So that is why I am so excited to have Shadeen Francis here with me today to help us learn how we can approach the topic of sex with confidence and comfort.
Shadeen Francis is a licensed psychotherapist, media personality graduate professor, and author whose expertise spans the domain of sex therapy, emotional intelligence, and social justice. She has been featured on many platforms like ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, and the New York Times to share her unique perspective.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
When is the right time to talk about sex? [1:30]
Topics to address before having sex [4:56]
How long to wait before having sex [10:47]
Tips for bringing up sex as a topic of conversation [23:54]
A live example of this sort of conversation [31:17]
How to feel safe while having a vulnerable conversation [40:32]
The best dating advice Shadeen ever received [48:50]
“Before you start having sex, you have to talk about sex. Without the conversation, all we’re doing is running off of assumptions that we are both looking for the same things.”
“I encourage people to talk about their boundaries upfront. Boundaries are your yes, and your no. So, not just all the no-go zones, but also all of the openings and entry points.”
“Whatever meanings we have around sex is absolutely going to impact what we do, how we feel, and how we continue to think about sex.”
“The more you get to know yourself, the better you have an understanding of your own meaning of sex. That meaning impacts what we do, how we feel, and how we continue to think about sex.”
“We have sexual attitudes, sexual beliefs, core values, and sexual feelings. The more you get to know yourself, the better you have an understanding of your own meaning of sex.”
“What we’re actually looking for in our sexual experiences are a set of feelings, you are wanting sex to make you feel a particular type of way.”
“Sex itself is not actually a taboo topic. You are really just talking about pleasure and all of the layers of what it would mean for you and this other person to feel good together.”
“I really want to empower us to reclaim agency over our bodies. It starts with getting information and sharing that with other people. That’s how we reclaim our rights to pleasure.”
“I don’t want us to think of our boundaries, our no’s, our shifts, our redirections, or our course corrections as a negative thing, This is important relationship-building information.”
“People are allowed to feel how they feel about what it is that we are stating, naming, asking for, doing. You’re saying, I want to go deeper with you, build with you. I want more.”
“When we are making requests, we are giving people, especially when they are actually tied to things we want or need, opportunities to participate in pleasure with us.”
“When I am opening up some vulnerability by making a request, it is an opportunity for someone to meet my needs. It’s an opportunity for someone to participate in helping me feel good.”
“We have so few conversations, and so few vulnerable conversations around sex, that we are often just taken by surprise.”
“We’re not always going to have the same palates. We’re not always going to want the same things at the same time. It’s just not to this person’s taste, and that’s okay.”
Today I’m joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson, a clinical psychologist, relationship coach, and host of the “Let’s Get Vulnerable” podcast. I love that: let’s get vulnerable. Today, we’re not only going to talk about attachment styles, we’re going to dig into how your attachment style could be making or breaking your dating life. When I first learned about this concept of attachment style, I was like: “Oh my god, this explains everything about my dating life!”
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
What is secure attachment? [0:59]
Why is secure attachment important in our dating life? [6:10]
How to get assurance around your own attachments [10:59]
How can two people in a relationship move towards secure attachment [13:49]
How to approach dating if you’re an avoidant style [22:52]
Examples of unhealthy coping strategies [32:35]
How to approach people on dates using this knowledge [38:05]
The best dating advice Dr. Morgan Anderson has ever received [40:27]
“Attachment theory is the understanding of how our early relationship experiences with caregivers create a template for how we navigate relationships throughout the rest of our lives.”
“Secure attachment is where we all want to be. This is where both our needs matter. I value closeness and taking care of myself. I can set boundaries as a healthy relationship develops.”
“Our brain is looking for partners who fit the template that we have for love.”
“You need to be a love scientist. You want to be showing up in dating with zero expectations, you’re just gathering the data.”
“The person that is meant for you will show up, hear you, and take in what you have to say. They are not your person if expressing your needs and how you feel pushes them away.”
“A relationship is a living, breathing thing. It’s the third entity between two people. And sometimes you have two amazing people, but that third entity just doesn’t function well.”
“Each new person you meet is an opportunity to be curious and really learn about who they are and how you feel around them.”
“Secure attachment is being really, really curious, openly and honestly expressing what you need, and seeing how they respond to that. And if it’s not a good fit, you move on.”
“If you’re communicating what you need, and it’s not being met over and over, they don’t have the capacity to meet you where you’re at, and you’re not getting what you need.”
“Is a relationship adding or subtracting value to your life? If there is more energy drain, more value subtraction, you need to ask yourself, is this really worth continuing?”
“How do you want to feel in your relationship? You’re creating the relationship culture from early on, so you need to be intentional about what that looks like in the early stages of dating.”
Today’s interview features two dating coaches turned dating sociologists, Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick. Yue and Julie are the hosts of Dateable, one of the top podcasts about dating, love, and sex.
Even though we’ve been at it for a little while, we’re all still figuring out how to date during COVID-19. Since dating apps are a safe and convenient way to meet people, I thought it would be awesome if we could help our daters become better at moving from the dating app to meeting in real life. I know, a lot of us find it tricky. But that’s why we cover a lot of practical tips to help you out, from texting to video chats, and dig into why now is actually a pretty great time to be dating.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
Why is now the perfect time to be dating? [1:13]
Guidelines to moving from an app to meeting in real life [7:02]
Recommendations on texting [22:03]
Transitioning from texting to a phone or video call [35:10]
The best dating advice Yue and Julie have ever received [45:50]
“Now is the perfect time to date. We’re all on our phones. We’re all online. We can all be on the apps. We can give the time everyone deserves to find if we are compatible with someone.” – Yue Xu
“COVID has kind of destroyed fuck boys. Because the people that just want to get some are having a hard time. But it’s also risen up the people that are serious about relationships.” – Julie Krafchick
“Love, connection, and belonging are such fundamental human needs, who doesn’t want that? I think it’s great that we’re now actually accepting that want, and able to vocalize it.” – Dawoon Kang
“When it comes to online dating, once you’ve learned 3 things about the other person, it’s time to take it offline. If you are ready to take it to the next level, make that initial move.” – Yue Xu
“You can only learn so much from dating profiles The faster you can move to some sort of conversation, the faster you’ll be able to see if this is someone that’s worth meeting” – Julie Krafchick
“There is no magic phrase out there to get someone to text you back. You have to just be authentically who you are.” Yue Xu
“We want someone to have a life with. Anytime you can insert your life into the conversation, so they can feel a part of it, it gives a glimpse into what a partnership could look like.” Yue Xu
“You don’t need a different identity with dating than you do in real life with your friends. If you treat people as a friend, then you would have a much more loving dating experience.” – Yue Xu
“If someone is interested, and they want the same things, they’re also looking for a way to progress it. They will be open to your advances in moving things forward.“ – Julie Krafchick
“If you’re chatting with someone, and they’re making you feel anxious because they’re not texting back. That’s not bringing out the best in you, and not someone you should be with.” – Yue Xu
“When it comes to online dating especially, we’re looking at how many people am I matching with? How many people are messaging me back? And that’s not really the point of dating.” – Yue Xu
We all know what we want in our dating life: to be in a great relationship. But what is stopping us from having that? There could be a lot of factors, but a major one could actually be us getting in our own way.
I’m really excited to have today’s expert help us understand how we can stop sabotaging our own happiness when it comes to dating. Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and author of not one but two New York Times best-selling books: “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” which is currently being adapted as a TV series, and “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In addition to being an author with a clinical practice, she writes The Atlantic’s weekly “Dear Therapist” advice column and she also co-hosts the new hit podcast “Dear Therapist,” which I love listening to myself and is produced by Katie Couric.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
Why do we go after the unavailable type [1:39]
Idiot compassion vs. wise compassion [5:10]
Do you need to settle to be in a happy relationship? [10:02]
Why spark and compatibility are both important [14:41]
How we learn about ourselves in relationship in our 20s [21:05]
How Lori got over a painful breakup with the help of her therapist [26:29]
The ways in which we keep ourselves in a prison [29:43]
Should you ever compromise on core values? [35:32]
Tips for dating after 40 years old [41:51]
How to start trusting again after a heartbreak [43:09]
The best dating advice Lori has ever received [45:10]
QUOTES:
“Sometimes, we are our own jailers. Situation, circumstance, and stories make us think we’re unlovable and keep us imprisoned when we can walk around those bars and create our own story.”
“We blame it on the availability of the significant other we’re looking for if we can’t find them. In reality, we may sabotage ourselves by going after people who aren’t right for us.”
“We marry our unfinished business. When you’re dating, it’s important to know what business needs to get finished so you can pursue people who can provide the relationship you want.”
“Idiot compassion is when we think we’re being supportive by hearing a friend’s story about a bad date or boyfriend and saying, ‘They’re terrible. You were right, they were wrong.’”
“Wise compassion is what a therapist does. We hold up a mirror up to you and help you to see something about yourself that maybe you haven’t been willing or able to see.”
“I think that spark is really important. But I think that what you’re looking for is spark and compatibility. I think when people feel spark, they forget about compatibility.”
“When we are heartbroken, we think we miss the other person. In actuality, we miss being in a great relationship, things like the inside jokes and sharing the minutiae of our day.”
“There’s healthy chemistry, where you’re drawn to somebody for healthy reasons, and unhealthy chemistry, where you’re immediately drawn to somebody because of unfinished business.”
“I think that we forget that the dating experience is different from the married experience.”
“It doesn’t help anybody to stay in a relationship that ultimately can’t work because you’re not willing to talk about what’s important to you in life.”
One of the first things I realized when I started studying the science of dating and relationships is that a lot of the rules I’d picked up along the way are complete BS. For example, guys love the chase so I need to play games. Or if we don’t have chemistry right away, it’s never going to happen.
And I got so mad when I found out the actual truth because I had spent so much time and energy trying to abide by these dating rules that really led me astray. So I’m really excited to have today’s guest, Dr. Gary Lewandowski, here to talk about his brand new book “Stronger Than You Think.”
In his book, he goes through the top 10 most common dating myths — or blind spots, as he calls them – that could undermine relationships. We’ll talk about how to see past your blind spots, so you don’t have to learn the hard way like I did.
Gary’s work has been featured by numerous publications, including Time, The New York Times, CNN, and NPR — and his TED Talk “How to Get Over A Breakup” has been viewed nearly 2 million times!
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
What are the most common blindspots [1:36]
Men and women are just different: true or false [4:56]
What does it mean that men have more power [8:30]
Why is it harmful to have gender stereotypes [12:18]
What role does physical attraction play in dating [21:59]
If we’re not having a lot of sex, we’re not in love: true or false [23:22]
Coping strategies when going through a breakup [31:46]
When to break up and when you’re being too picky [35:02]
Single mothers get slim pickings when dating again: true or false [43:52]
“Does your partner pass the best friend test? If they do, you’re in really good shape. If they don’t, you have something very clear to work on.”
“We have this idea sometimes where there’s chemistry, or there’s not. We look at it as an either-or thing. But, it’s not how you start. It’s more about how you finish.”
“When people think that their breakup is going to leave them broken, they put it off, it keeps us in relationships longer than we should, particularly ones that aren’t very fulfilling.”
“There are so many things that we’re afraid to talk about. But the success of relationships relies on open communication. It sets a foundation for open and honest communication going forward.”
“We put way too much emphasis on attraction. And really, it’s a dying industry. You’re putting a lot of faith in something that’s not likely sustainable.”
“Rather than more sex being this great sign, in many ways, it’s a warning sign. It becomes less about the amount of the sex you’re having and more the quality, not quantity that matters.”
“We can focus too much on all the good things that we’re feeling, putting too much emphasis on looks, and passionate love and sex, which encourages us to overlook the small things.”
“Better data leads to better decisions. The best possible thing you can do is to become more informed about all of the relationship processes.”
“The person who has less interest or less need for the relationship has more power. If you have less interest in the relationship, you’re more willing and able to leave.”
“You’re getting less and less attractive over time. So, if you’re really banking on that aspect of your partner, you’re putting a lot of faith in something that’s not likely sustainable.”
For the first episode of 2021, I’m really excited to have a publicist turned dating and confidence coach, Alexis Germany, here with me. I first came across Alexis on Bustles’ article, 14 TikTok Dating Coaches Who Are Here To Save Your Love Life. In the article, Alexis gave her 60,000 Twitter followers very specific and actionable tips on how to make the most out of their dating profiles – plus, I love that title!
I certainly have been stuck not knowing what to write or what photos to pick on my own CMB profile. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s had that experience. So for the new year and those of us who are giving another go on our dating life, I wanted to have Alexis here to give you all the tips you need to set your CMB profile up for success.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
How a publicist becomes a dating coach [1:10]
The top three common mistakes Alexis sees in her client’s dating profiles [1:47]
Alexis’ favorite advice to give her clients [4:45]
Why the order of your photos matters [6:42]
A few simple ways to get more high-quality photos for your profile [7:35]
An introduction to profile reviews [10:43]
Profile review #1: Andrea [12:37]
Profile review #2: Edgar [23:43]
Profile review #3: Miss Anonymous [34:25]
Profile review #4: Samian [42:05]
The best dating advice Alexis ever received [52:07]
“After you write your profile, if it could describe you, your sister, your best friend, and your coworker, then it’s not unique enough. It’s time to add in some unique flavor.”
“We want to be using photos that are less than a year old and we all have access to the technology to make sure that we can do that.”
“When building your profile, remember that you’re investing in your romantic life. Put your best foot forward, because that’s going to help you yield the best results.”
“We all learn we grow, we become better people – but at our core, we know what we need, we know what our needs are, and how they need to be met.”
“The top three profile mistakes are 1) a blank profile relying on photos alone, 2) not using good quality photos, and 3) having lots of errors, writing too much, or being too vague.”
“Ask a friend of the opposite sex to look at your profile, and don’t be hurt when they tell you their honest opinion of it.”
“But anybody should be able to see five photos of you, they can see five photos of you, then once you move to texting, they should not be asking you, ‘Send me a pic.’ Like, no, you’ve seen five photos, if you don’t like those five photos, you’re not gonna like me physically.”
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