Today I’m joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson, a clinical psychologist, relationship coach, and host of the “Let’s Get Vulnerable” podcast. I love that: let’s get vulnerable. Today, we’re not only going to talk about attachment styles, we’re going to dig into how your attachment style could be making or breaking your dating life. When I first learned about this concept of attachment style, I was like: “Oh my god, this explains everything about my dating life!” 

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

What is secure attachment? [0:59]

Why is secure attachment important in our dating life? [6:10]

How to get assurance around your own attachments [10:59]

How can two people in a relationship move towards secure attachment [13:49]

How to approach dating if you’re an avoidant style [22:52]

Examples of unhealthy coping strategies [32:35]

How to approach people on dates using this knowledge [38:05]

The best dating advice Dr. Morgan Anderson has ever received [40:27]

RESOURCES:

• The “Let’s Get Vulnerable” Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lets-get-vulnerable-relationship-and-dating-advice/id1496034764
• Dr. Morgan Anderson’s website: https://www.drmorgancoaching.com/
• Dr. Morgan Anderson’s IG profile: https://www.instagram.com/drmorgancoaching/?hl=en
• The secure attachment quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/5e77d82d29386e001428f8f1

QUOTES:

“Attachment theory is the understanding of how our early relationship experiences with caregivers create a template for how we navigate relationships throughout the rest of our lives.”

“Secure attachment is where we all want to be. This is where both our needs matter. I value closeness and taking care of myself. I can set boundaries as a healthy relationship develops.”

“Our brain is looking for partners who fit the template that we have for love.” 

“You need to be a love scientist. You want to be showing up in dating with zero expectations, you’re just gathering the data.”

“The person that is meant for you will show up, hear you, and take in what you have to say. They are not your person if expressing your needs and how you feel pushes them away.”

“A relationship is a living, breathing thing. It’s the third entity between two people. And sometimes you have two amazing people, but that third entity just doesn’t function well.”

“Each new person you meet is an opportunity to be curious and really learn about who they are and how you feel around them.” 

“Secure attachment is being really, really curious, openly and honestly expressing what you need, and seeing how they respond to that. And if it’s not a good fit, you move on.”

“If you’re communicating what you need, and it’s not being met over and over, they don’t have the capacity to meet you where you’re at, and you’re not getting what you need.” 

“Is a relationship adding or subtracting value to your life? If there is more energy drain, more value subtraction, you need to ask yourself, is this really worth continuing?”

“How do you want to feel in your relationship? You’re creating the relationship culture from early on, so you need to be intentional about what that looks like in the early stages of dating.”

We all know what we want in our dating life: to be in a great relationship. But what is stopping us from having that? There could be a lot of factors, but a major one could actually be us getting in our own way.

I’m really excited to have today’s expert help us understand how we can stop sabotaging our own happiness when it comes to dating. Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and author of not one but two New York Times best-selling books: “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” which is currently being adapted as a TV series, and “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In addition to being an author with a clinical practice, she writes The Atlantic’s weekly “Dear Therapist” advice column and she also co-hosts the new hit podcast “Dear Therapist,” which I love listening to myself and is produced by Katie Couric.

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:
Why do we go after the unavailable type [1:39]

Idiot compassion vs. wise compassion [5:10]

Do you need to settle to be in a happy relationship? [10:02]

Why spark and compatibility are both important [14:41]

How we learn about ourselves in relationship in our 20s [21:05]

How Lori got over a painful breakup with the help of her therapist [26:29]

The ways in which we keep ourselves in a prison [29:43]

Should you ever compromise on core values? [35:32]

Tips for dating after 40 years old [41:51]

How to start trusting again after a heartbreak [43:09]

The best dating advice Lori has ever received [45:10]

RESOURCES:
Lori’s website: https://lorigottlieb.com/
Lori’s books: https://www.amazon.com/Lori-Gottlieb/e/B001IOBJ66%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share
Lori’s articles in The Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/author/lori-gottlieb/
Lori’s Instagram profile: https://www.instagram.com/lorigottlieb_author/?hl=en
Lori’s TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/lori_gottlieb_how_changing_your_story_can_change_your_life?language=en
Lori’s podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dear-therapists/id1523340696

QUOTES:
“Sometimes, we are our own jailers. Situation, circumstance, and stories make us think we’re unlovable and keep us imprisoned when we can walk around those bars and create our own story.”
“We blame it on the availability of the significant other we’re looking for if we can’t find them. In reality, we may sabotage ourselves by going after people who aren’t right for us.”

“We marry our unfinished business. When you’re dating, it’s important to know what business needs to get finished so you can pursue people who can provide the relationship you want.”

“Idiot compassion is when we think we’re being supportive by hearing a friend’s story about a bad date or boyfriend and saying, ‘They’re terrible. You were right, they were wrong.’”

“Wise compassion is what a therapist does. We hold up a mirror up to you and help you to see something about yourself that maybe you haven’t been willing or able to see.”

“I think that spark is really important. But I think that what you’re looking for is spark and compatibility. I think when people feel spark, they forget about compatibility.”

“When we are heartbroken, we think we miss the other person. In actuality, we miss being in a great relationship, things like the inside jokes and sharing the minutiae of our day.”

“There’s healthy chemistry, where you’re drawn to somebody for healthy reasons, and unhealthy chemistry, where you’re immediately drawn to somebody because of unfinished business.”

“I think that we forget that the dating experience is different from the married experience.”

“It doesn’t help anybody to stay in a relationship that ultimately can’t work because you’re not willing to talk about what’s important to you in life.”

For the first episode of 2021, I’m really excited to have a publicist turned dating and confidence coach, Alexis Germany, here with me. I first came across Alexis on Bustles’ article, 14 TikTok Dating Coaches Who Are Here To Save Your Love Life. In the article, Alexis gave her 60,000 Twitter followers very specific and actionable tips on how to make the most out of their dating profiles – plus, I love that title!

I certainly have been stuck not knowing what to write or what photos to pick on my own CMB profile. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s had that experience. So for the new year and those of us who are giving another go on our dating life, I wanted to have Alexis here to give you all the tips you need to set your CMB profile up for success.

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

How a publicist becomes a dating coach [1:10]

The top three common mistakes Alexis sees in her client’s dating profiles [1:47]

Alexis’ favorite advice to give her clients [4:45]

Why the order of your photos matters [6:42]

A few simple ways to get more high-quality photos for your profile [7:35]

An introduction to profile reviews [10:43]

Profile review #1: Andrea [12:37]

Profile review #2: Edgar [23:43]

Profile review #3: Miss Anonymous [34:25]

Profile review #4: Samian [42:05]

The best dating advice Alexis ever received [52:07]

RESOURCES:

• The YouTube video where you can see the profile reviews: https://youtu.be/uIzLZhg4h7U
• The Bustle’s article that mentions Alexis, 14 TikTok Dating Coaches Who Are Here To Save Your Love Life: https://www.bustle.com/wellness/tiktok-dating-coaches
• Alexis’ company: https://www.alexisgermany.com/about
• Alexis’ Instagram page: https://www.instagram.com/lexinlalaland/
• Alexis’ TikTok channel: https://vm.tiktok.com/JRVLBsm/
• Alexis’ YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdsrMYcg29iqTJZUFehK8zg

QUOTES:

“After you write your profile, if it could describe you, your sister, your best friend, and your coworker, then it’s not unique enough. It’s time to add in some unique flavor.”

“We want to be using photos that are less than a year old and we all have access to the technology to make sure that we can do that.”

“When building your profile, remember that you’re investing in your romantic life. Put your best foot forward, because that’s going to help you yield the best results.”

“We all learn we grow, we become better people – but at our core, we know what we need, we know what our needs are, and how they need to be met.”

“The top three profile mistakes are 1) a blank profile relying on photos alone, 2) not using good quality photos, and 3) having lots of errors, writing too much, or being too vague.”

“Ask a friend of the opposite sex to look at your profile, and don’t be hurt when they tell you their honest opinion of it.”

“But anybody should be able to see five photos of you, they can see five photos of you, then once you move to texting, they should not be asking you, ‘Send me a pic.’ Like, no, you’ve seen five photos, if you don’t like those five photos, you’re not gonna like me physically.”

Have you ever felt curious about how matchmakers actually make matches? How do they know who their clients will be attracted to, or who they will be compatible with? In today’s episode, I interviewed 15-year veteran matchmaker Violet Lim to learn the secret to matchmaking, so you can apply all of her lessons to your own dating life. 

Violet is the co-founder and chief cupid at a premier matchmaking company, Lunch Actually Group. She was the first Asian to be certified by the Matchmaking Institute in New York City, where she now sits on their board. She’s also the executive director and principal trainer at the Matchmaking Institute of Southeast Asia where she trains matchmakers and aspiring matchmakers from all around the world. 

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

An overview of Violet’s background [0:26]

How Violet decided to become a matchmaker [1:14]

How does actual matchmaking compare to the movies [3:40]

The art and science of matchmaking [6:44]

What role does attraction play in compatibility? [12:00]

What roles do mutual interest and values play in a relationship? [16:42]

Do mutual values also mean mutual trust? [20:46]

How to handle the check-in conversation [26:47]

If your date is unsure, should you give it more time? [35:37]

First messages that tend to get good responses [40:34]

The best (and worst) dating advice Violet has received [43:27]

RESOURCES:

• Violet Lim’s company, Lunch Actually Group
• Violet Lim’s Instagram

QUOTES:

“It’s nice to have common interests, but it’s not going to make or break a relationship.” [23:18]

“Building trust and respect takes time. And from what we have seen so far, it usually takes between five to seven dates.” [28:03]

“Are you comfortable having the ‘check-in’ conversation with the other person? If you are not comfortable to even broach this subject, that could be a red flag.” [32:32]

“If you’re in the right relationship with the right person, that person would be very invested in your emotions and wants to make you happy and see you smile.” [37:40]

“You need to make your intentions clear at some point. If the other person’s intentions are totally different than yours, then you need to ascertain at that point, ‘What do I want?’” [38:40]

“As much as we love the other person and we want to support their dreams, goals, and aspirations – it’s more important that we love ourselves more.”  [40:02]

“When dating, be the best version of yourself – just like when you go on a job interview. Prepare and put your best foot forward.”  [48:38]

“My best advice for singles would be two things: one is having the right mindset, and two is having a positive attitude.” [50:32]

“Nobody wants to go on a date with someone who complains about everything under the sun. The worst thing that you can do on a date is to complain.” [50:35]

Dating around the holiday season and the end of the year can be stressful. What do we say to well-intentioned friends and family who jab at us with questions like “Why are you still single?” or “Are you dating anyone?” And with cold weather, we now have to manage spending more time at home alone. Learn how to navigate dating this holiday season with peace, joy, and confidence from renowned mental health professional Dr. Mariel Buquè.

This is Save the Date, a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

An overview of Mariel’s background [1:27]

Dating during the holidays [3:31]

Coping with difficult emotions around the holiday [5:00]

Anticipating questions about dating from friends and families around the holiday [7:15]

A simple way to deal with holiday anxiety [12:13]

Specific breathing techniques listeners can start using today [18:27]

The science behind why breathing techniques are effective [21:48]

How to deal with loneliness and isolation during the holidays [25:26]

When is the right time to tell a date about depression or mental health conditions [33:16]

How to be supportive of a date who is struggling [36:31]

The best dating advice Mariel has ever received [42:03]

RESOURCES:

• Dr. Mariel Buquè’s website
• Dr. Mariel Buquè’s Instagram

QUOTES:

“It’s really important to take a moment for yourself to engage in some self-reflection. Potentially engage in some journaling about what this season feels like for you.” [9:50]

“Tap into yourself, reflect upon what you want to say, recite it, and then when the opportunity comes, you can more calmly say: ‘I’m choosing to focus on myself right now.’” [12:04]

“If you can’t be a good friend to yourself, then how can you be a good friend to a partner?” [33:13]

“It’s so much more rewarding when you can step into a relationship already feeling full and the person just complements you.” [39:40]

“Long breaks are really healthy. It offers you an opportunity to reflect on what you’ve learned in that situation – how did you evolve within it?” [46:25]

“No matter what situation you go into, you are worthy.” [51:41]