One of the first things I realized when I started studying the science of dating and relationships is that a lot of the rules I’d picked up along the way are complete BS. For example, guys love the chase so I need to play games. Or if we don’t have chemistry right away, it’s never going to happen.

 

And I got so mad when I found out the actual truth because I had spent so much time and energy trying to abide by these dating rules that really led me astray. So I’m really excited to have today’s guest, Dr. Gary Lewandowski, here to talk about his brand new book “Stronger Than You Think.” 

 

In his book, he goes through the top 10 most common dating myths — or blind spots, as he calls them – that could undermine relationships. We’ll talk about how to see past your blind spots, so you don’t have to learn the hard way like I did.

 

Gary’s work has been featured by numerous publications, including Time, The New York Times, CNN, and NPR — and his TED Talk “How to Get Over A Breakup” has been viewed nearly 2 million times! 

 

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

What are the most common blindspots [1:36]

Men and women are just different: true or false [4:56]

What does it mean that men have more power [8:30]

Why is it harmful to have gender stereotypes [12:18]

What role does physical attraction play in dating [21:59]

If we’re not having a lot of sex, we’re not in love: true or false [23:22]

Coping strategies when going through a breakup [31:46]

When to break up and when you’re being too picky [35:02]

Single mothers get slim pickings when dating again: true or false [43:52]

 

RESOURCES:

• Gary’s new book: https://www.amazon.com/Stronger-Than-You-Think-Relationship/dp/0316454710
• Gary’s TED Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cw2qD87KDHc&list=PLauLrfUOO2qgtLWbBbTUN2tMr1fLHp2XS&index=48

 

QUOTES:

“Does your partner pass the best friend test? If they do, you’re in really good shape. If they don’t, you have something very clear to work on.”

“We have this idea sometimes where there’s chemistry, or there’s not. We look at it as an either-or thing. But, it’s not how you start. It’s more about how you finish.”

“When people think that their breakup is going to leave them broken, they put it off, it keeps us in relationships longer than we should, particularly ones that aren’t very fulfilling.”

“There are so many things that we’re afraid to talk about. But the success of relationships relies on open communication. It sets a foundation for open and honest communication going forward.”

“We put way too much emphasis on attraction. And really, it’s a dying industry. You’re putting a lot of faith in something that’s not likely sustainable.”

“Rather than more sex being this great sign, in many ways, it’s a warning sign. It becomes less about the amount of the sex you’re having and more the quality, not quantity that matters.”

“We can focus too much on all the good things that we’re feeling, putting too much emphasis on looks, and passionate love and sex, which encourages us to overlook the small things.”

“Better data leads to better decisions. The best possible thing you can do is to become more informed about all of the relationship processes.”

“The person who has less interest or less need for the relationship has more power. If you have less interest in the relationship, you’re more willing and able to leave.”

“You’re getting less and less attractive over time. So, if you’re really banking on that aspect of your partner, you’re putting a lot of faith in something that’s not likely sustainable.” 

Today’s episode features my dream guest, Lisa Bilyeu. She is the co-founder and president of Impact Theory, a digital media production company focused on empowering content. She’s also the co-founder of the billion-dollar health and nutrition brand, Quest Nutrition. 

What’s amazing is that she co-founded these two hugely successful companies with her husband, Tom Bilyeu. Tom and Lisa are truly my relationship role models. And if you want to learn how they created and continue to maintain an amazingly juicy relationship for 15 plus years (while building an empire together!) so that you can go and create that for your own lives, please tune in.

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

What dating was like before Lisa met Tom [1:05]

Why a checklist would have prevented Lisa from meeting Tom  [6:43]

Checklists vs. non-negotiables [12:20]

How to decide that “I don’t need to explore more before committing” [14:01]

Staying true to what your body is telling you [19:32]

How to build “come and get me” confidence [28:51]

Deciding not to have kids [38:11]

How to not get emotionally attached to someone too quickly [48:59]

How to stay connected to a partner when they’re triggered [52:57]

RESOURCES:

• Lisa Bilyeu’s company, Impact Theory
• Lisa’s first company, Quest Nutrition
• Lisa Bilyeu’s Instagram 

QUOTES:

“I think finding a partner that can communicate, that thinks like you. So, Tom and I, it’s not like we always agree. We are polar opposites on some things. But one thing that we do agree on is: our relationship is the priority. And communication, no matter how hard it is to say something to someone, we both agreed that saying the hard thing is a must in our relationship.“

“I know that you have checkboxes, right? What type of person are you looking for? Right? Had I done that, I never would have met Tom. Because there were certain things where I was like: ‘Oh, yeah, a guy’s got to care about his looks, a guy’s got to care about his clothes, a guy’s got to care about his car.’ And then I meet Tom; he doesn’t care about his clothes, he doesn’t care about his car, he barely doesn’t…like, total opposite.”

“So I’m just going to be completely me. And I’d never done that before. On past dates, I was trying to win – win the job, right? And instead of trying to win the job, now my mindset is: let them try and win you. You be you. And then see if there’s great electricity. And that’s what happened with Tom. I wasn’t trying to win him. I wasn’t trying to be someone, or put any pressure on: is this going to be my husband?”

“Saying you’ve crossed paths with your one and only is not as powerful as saying, ‘There are 7 billion people out there – I can keep looking, but I choose you.’” 

“See how people handle trust. Tell them a little secret. Then when you’re in a big argument, do they use it against you? That tells you who they are as a human being.”

“I have noticed a lot of people hold on to a phase of their relationship, and because that phase is over, they start to think, ‘Well, is there something wrong with my relationship?’”

“Don’t listen to someone saying ‘sorry.’ Watch their actions after the fact.”

How do I ask if my date is still using dating apps? How do I ask if they want to do a video chat instead of texting? How do I ask if they want to make things official? These are some of the most common questions I get from Coffee Meets Bagel Daters. Basically: I want to know X, Y, Z about my date, but I don’t know how to communicate it. 

Why is it so hard for us to ask these kinds of questions, especially considering how badly we want an answer? When I was dating, I didn’t want my date to think I liked them too much, or that I’m needy, or that I’m some kind of weirdo. Whatever the reason – communicating with people we are just starting to get to know is hard.

Well, today I’m here to share with you my little secret. Several years ago, I discovered a tool called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and it completely transformed how I communicate not only with my dates, but with everyone in my life. I was no longer holding back what I wanted to say out of fear of rejection. My dates started commenting on how refreshingly different I was from other people they’ve dated. Dating has felt so different since then.

Today I am so excited to have my own teacher Jenna Card here to train all of us on this concept of NVC. She is a certified NVC trainer with 25 years of teaching experience. She excels at facilitating heart-centered connection. She helps businesses, communities, and individuals create more effective and fulfilling relationships through NVC. 

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

 

SHOW NOTES:

What is Nonviolent Communication? [5:18]

Confidence is attractive [11:15]

Letting go of assumptions in communication [15:28]

Taking people at face value in a relationship [20:18]

What can I do to create a connection in this moment? [37:15]

How to navigate when communication gets sticky [47:08]

 

QUOTES:

“If I can self-connect and know what’s happening inside myself and be aware of what I want to create in this exchange, my way of being changes. How I interact with people changes.” [6:16]

“We talk about wanting to be confident, and confidence is attractive. I think that confidence is a sense of groundedness in yourself, a sense of assuredness in yourself.” [11:05]

“When you can let go of assuming anything about anyone else and just be curious, you will transform your connection with people.” [15:28]

“My internal phrase is ‘Thank you for taking care of yourself,’ when I hear someone’s no – and that helps me feel less defensive about a no.” [24:10]

“Ask for what you want. No one is going to know what you want unless you’re able to ask for it. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there.” [51:52]

In the last episode, we touched on beginning with an end in mind. If you want to meet a great partner and find a great relationship, it’s a lot easier to navigate there if you have a clear picture of what that should look like for you. Once you have that clear picture, you’re going to be able to start from a blank slate. You can just go out and create whatever kind relationship works best for you from scratch, which personally I think is so much easier than trying to fix a broken relationship that’s not working – I have been in several, so I know how excruciatingly frustrating that can be. That’s why I’m really excited to have today’s guest help you understand what research has uncovered about what a great relationship should look and feel like, so you can go and start creating that.

Eli Finkel is the author of “The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work,” where he researched all aspects of marriages and uncovered what makes a modern long-term relationship work, and how you can get there. He is also a contributor to the Op-Ed page of The New York Times and the Director of Relationships and Motivation Lab at Northwestern University, where he has published over 150 scientific papers on love and relationships. The Economist has identified him as “one of the leading lights in the realm of relationship psychology.” 

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

 

LISTEN ON:

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Play | Stitcher

 

VIDEO:

 

SHOW NOTES:

Getting stuck our expectations and what we’re investing in [6:41]

Shooting for exquisite [9:16]

Fulfilling self-actualization in your relationship i [12:26]

An essential component of true intimacy [22:37]

The importance of self-discovery [32:32]

Compatibility is important, but so is self-work [36:33]

Getting in the right headspace for a date [49:57]

Orient towards saying “yes” when you’re on the fence [57:04]

 

QUOTES:

“How well do you even know who you are? There’s a lot to be said for taking some time for some serious self-discovery to get a sense of who you are.” [32:42]

“I don’t want to say dating is a numbers game because it sounds too cynical. But I think an orientation toward saying ‘yes’ in cases where you’re on the fence is a good idea.” [57:04]

“Compatibility is a real thing, but a hell of a lot of how to build a good relationship is working on ourselves and working on the relationship.” [36:33]

“Shooting for exquisite is great because it puts exquisite within reach.” [9:16]

“Essential to true intimacy is that I’ve handed you my love and heart and vulnerability. We are going to hold each other’s hearts and be gentle and tender with them.” [22:37]

“If you could do something that you would enjoy doing, even if there’s no connection, that’s a good headspace to go into the date with because it keeps expectations in check.“ [49:57]

Opening up to someone new is never easy, and we’re all guilty of hiding our vulnerable side when it comes to dating. But how to do we drop the act and really practice emotional availability with a partner – and what do we stand to lose if we don’t? Natalie Lue, dating expert and author of “Love, Care, Trust & Respect” shares her expertise and personal experiences to help us get to the bottom of it.

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

Show notes

[1:39] Are we actually the emotionally unavailable ones?

[4:27} Why being vulnerable is so scary

[8:20] We can’t judge emotional availability right away

[14:04] There’s no crystal ball for relationships

[15:56] Are we being open, or just pretending to be?

[19:53] Being vulnerable in a safe way

[23:40] Learning to ask for what you need

[27:12] What does emotional availability actually look like?

[31:35] Practical tips for asking important questions

[40:52] The different stages of a relationship

[48:21] How bias affects our dating life

[51:01] When having “a type” creates blindspots

[55:52] The best dating advice Natalie has ever heard

[57:15] Natalie’s one go-to piece of advice for daters

Quotes

“I thought of myself as miss commitment, miss monogamous, you know, I’m just like, so emotional. I’m so there. But I realized that I am the common denominator.”

“We have to ask ourselves. Why is it that when it comes to dating or being in a relationship, we consistently want to be involved with people who we are in no danger of actually being emotionally available with?”

“Boundaries are also a form of intimacy. Are we willing to say and show the word no? If we’re not, then we don’t have intimacy, because we can’t be real.”

“When we first meet somebody, when we’re dating them, we’re not meeting them. We’re meeting their representative. We’re putting our best forward, we’re giving the big laughs, telling the best stories. You know, we’re bringing our A-game. When we move from dating to being in a relationship, this is where the real getting to know begins.”

“Part of getting into the love bit in a relationship is, we actually have to be willing for the possibility of having our heart broken.”

“Whatever it is that you’re afraid to ask is typically the thing that you very much need to ask. Whatever it is that you’re afraid to say is often the thing that you really, really need to say.”

“Once we’ve now talked ourselves out of asking something that we need to know and then we’re privately anxious or irritated or upset or resentful or whatever it is behind the scenes – we’re now entering into this relationship with this big question mark, or continuing on with this involvement with this big question mark, and it sours things. We are far more likely to forge an intimate relationship with somebody who we were willing to ask the questions that we were afraid to ask.”

“People who are emotionally available consistently feel their feelings, even when they’re not the pretty ones.”

“If you keep doing the things that you typically avoid doing in relationships that you don’t want to be in again, you’re going to be in that relationship again, even if it’s just from how you are behaving.”

“If you only ask questions when your back’s against the wall, then you’re going to feel really intense. But when you’re going on dates and you’re actually there with the person and you’re being yourself and you’re having a conversation – it’s a natural extension to ask questions, right?”

“If we want to be in a loving relationship, we have to be willing to be honest, we have to be willing to ask the difficult questions.”

“In an ideal world, meeting somebody’s parents would mean that you are in a relationship and that this person wants to commit to you and sees you for something serious. But I have an ex who introduced me to his parents on our second date…and after the third date, our involvement was over.”

“Well the thing about dating is that a lot of people are driven by bias. Now, all humans have bias. And every human that says they don’t have bias, that’s just another bias.”

“There is a lot of using biases to make decisions that just do not make any sense whatsoever. We think ‘Oh, I just need to find somebody who is at an Ivy League, who earns this amount of money, who works in this field and if I can find somebody like that, then they’re perfect for me.’ How? None of those things tell you anything whatsoever about what type of partner they could be, whether you’re compatible in terms of core values.”

“Look back at who you’ve dated. Is there a pattern to it? Do they all look the same? Is the criteria pretty much all the same? This is an example of a blind spot.”

“We are often overlooking people who we are far more compatible with because we’re looking for something that actually might be totally irrelevant.”

“If you’re serious about being in a serious relationship, accept no substitutes.”