How do I ask if my date is still using dating apps? How do I ask if they want to do a video chat instead of texting? How do I ask if they want to make things official? These are some of the most common questions I get from Coffee Meets Bagel Daters. Basically: I want to know X, Y, Z about my date, but I don’t know how to communicate it.
Why is it so hard for us to ask these kinds of questions, especially considering how badly we want an answer? When I was dating, I didn’t want my date to think I liked them too much, or that I’m needy, or that I’m some kind of weirdo. Whatever the reason – communicating with people we are just starting to get to know is hard.
Well, today I’m here to share with you my little secret. Several years ago, I discovered a tool called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and it completely transformed how I communicate not only with my dates, but with everyone in my life. I was no longer holding back what I wanted to say out of fear of rejection. My dates started commenting on how refreshingly different I was from other people they’ve dated. Dating has felt so different since then.
Today I am so excited to have my own teacher Jenna Card here to train all of us on this concept of NVC. She is a certified NVC trainer with 25 years of teaching experience. She excels at facilitating heart-centered connection. She helps businesses, communities, and individuals create more effective and fulfilling relationships through NVC.
This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
What is Nonviolent Communication? [5:18]
Confidence is attractive [11:15]
Letting go of assumptions in communication [15:28]
Taking people at face value in a relationship [20:18]
What can I do to create a connection in this moment? [37:15]
How to navigate when communication gets sticky [47:08]
“If I can self-connect and know what’s happening inside myself and be aware of what I want to create in this exchange, my way of being changes. How I interact with people changes.” [6:16]
“We talk about wanting to be confident, and confidence is attractive. I think that confidence is a sense of groundedness in yourself, a sense of assuredness in yourself.” [11:05]
“When you can let go of assuming anything about anyone else and just be curious, you will transform your connection with people.” [15:28]
“My internal phrase is ‘Thank you for taking care of yourself,’ when I hear someone’s no – and that helps me feel less defensive about a no.” [24:10]
“Ask for what you want. No one is going to know what you want unless you’re able to ask for it. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there.” [51:52]