Save the Date #4: How do I create a relationship that fits my needs? | Eli Finkel

In the last episode, we touched on beginning with an end in mind. If you want to meet a great partner and find a great relationship, it’s a lot easier to navigate there if you have a clear picture of what that should look like for you. Once you have that clear picture, you’re going to be able to start from a blank slate. You can just go out and create whatever kind relationship works best for you from scratch, which personally I think is so much easier than trying to fix a broken relationship that’s not working – I have been in several, so I know how excruciatingly frustrating that can be. That’s why I’m really excited to have today’s guest help you understand what research has uncovered about what a great relationship should look and feel like, so you can go and start creating that.

Eli Finkel is the author of “The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work,” where he researched all aspects of marriages and uncovered what makes a modern long-term relationship work, and how you can get there. He is also a contributor to the Op-Ed page of The New York Times and the Director of Relationships and Motivation Lab at Northwestern University, where he has published over 150 scientific papers on love and relationships. The Economist has identified him as “one of the leading lights in the realm of relationship psychology.” 

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

 

LISTEN ON:

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Play | Stitcher

 

VIDEO:

 

SHOW NOTES:

Getting stuck our expectations and what we’re investing in [6:41]

Shooting for exquisite [9:16]

Fulfilling self-actualization in your relationship i [12:26]

An essential component of true intimacy [22:37]

The importance of self-discovery [32:32]

Compatibility is important, but so is self-work [36:33]

Getting in the right headspace for a date [49:57]

Orient towards saying “yes” when you’re on the fence [57:04]

 

QUOTES:

“How well do you even know who you are? There’s a lot to be said for taking some time for some serious self-discovery to get a sense of who you are.” [32:42]

“I don’t want to say dating is a numbers game because it sounds too cynical. But I think an orientation toward saying ‘yes’ in cases where you’re on the fence is a good idea.” [57:04]

“Compatibility is a real thing, but a hell of a lot of how to build a good relationship is working on ourselves and working on the relationship.” [36:33]

“Shooting for exquisite is great because it puts exquisite within reach.” [9:16]

“Essential to true intimacy is that I’ve handed you my love and heart and vulnerability. We are going to hold each other’s hearts and be gentle and tender with them.” [22:37]

“If you could do something that you would enjoy doing, even if there’s no connection, that’s a good headspace to go into the date with because it keeps expectations in check.“ [49:57]