Save the Date #3: How do I decide what matters most in a relationship? | Amari Ice
One phrase that has helped many people in both their personal and professional lives is “Begin with an end in mind.” If we don’t know where we want to end up, we’re going to meander, get lost, or maybe even end up somewhere we thought we wanted to go… but it turns out it wasn’t. Oftentimes in dating, we jump in without having a clear idea of what kind of partner we need or the relationship we want to create – and that can be the cause of a lot of painful dating experiences.
Today’s guest, Amari Ice, is the author of the book “Lasting Love at Last: The Gay Guide To Attracting the Relationship of Your Dreams.” He is the first gay, black dating coach to be certified as a matchmaker by the Matchmaking Institute, and he has coached over 500 daters – with a 75% success rate in terms of finding relationships! In this episode, he provides insight to help listeners improve at the art of figuring out who they should meet and what their end goals should look like. He also answers questions that listeners submitted.
This is Save the Date, a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.
Don’t take love so seriously [4:36]
Wants vs. needs [7:36]
Aligning values [19:56]
Don’t fall for potential [22:13]
The five crucial values [24:42]
“We’re going to be most attractive, most engaging, most fascinating when we’re having fun – when we’re in that state of childhood, childlike passion.” [5:04]
“We often bypass or totally exclude or don’t even consider what we actually need from a partner in order to be happy.” [8:09]
“A lot of times, what we want serves as a barrier to getting what we need from a partner – when that doesn’t really matter in terms of what’s going to make us happy long term.” [8:18]
“If the values aren’t aligned, it doesn’t matter if they have any of the other traits, because you’re going to grow apart eventually anyway.” [20:07]
“The person who is going to meet your needs long term has to have the capacity to do that now. Meaning, if we look for someone and fall for potential – which many people do – the only way to guarantee that a person has the capacity to meet our needs later is that they have the capacity now, which means they actually have those traits. They don’t just have the potential to have the traits.” [21:04]
“If you only look at physical traits, you’re missing out on whether or not this person can meet your needs.” [22:04]
“You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you attracted to certain types of people? Why do you continue to be attracted to people who you know aren’t good for you?” [26:37]
“Whenever you have a requirement, ask yourself: ‘Why is this important to me?’ If you can’t give yourself a viable answer, usually there’s a bias going on you want to unpack.” [30:48]
“For long-term relationships, the more familiar we are, the more closely our values match, the safer we feel, the more comfortable we’re going to be with that partner long term.” [34:14]
“You want to see if there’s consistency of those traits over time. That’s what leads you to the night before the wedding, not wondering if this is the right person.” [39:15]