Save the Date #14 – Let’s talk about sex | Shadeen Francis

Today, I am so excited to have the perfect expert to tackle the subject of sex. Sex is a really exciting subject, but it’s also sensitive and it makes us feel nervous. It definitely makes me feel nervous. And especially when we’re trying to broach the subject for the first time to our dates that makes it really, really difficult. 

If I’m honest, I was never good at it when I was dating and even now, I’ve been in a relationship for a few years with my partner, it makes me uncomfortable to talk about sex with my partner. So that is why I am so excited to have Shadeen Francis here with me today to help us learn how we can approach the topic of sex with confidence and comfort. 

Shadeen Francis is a licensed psychotherapist, media personality graduate professor, and author whose expertise spans the domain of sex therapy, emotional intelligence, and social justice. She has been featured on many platforms like ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, and the New York Times to share her unique perspective.

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

When is the right time to talk about sex? [1:30]

Topics to address before having sex [4:56]

How long to wait before having sex [10:47]

Tips for bringing up sex as a topic of conversation [23:54]

A live example of this sort of conversation [31:17]

How to feel safe while having a vulnerable conversation [40:32]

The best dating advice Shadeen ever received [48:50]

Recommended resources [51:52]

RESOURCES:

• Shadeen’s website: shadeenfrancis.com
• Shadeen’s Instagram: @shadeenfrancis
• Mine’d app

QUOTES:

“Before you start having sex, you have to talk about sex. Without the conversation, all we’re doing is running off of assumptions that we are both looking for the same things.”

“I encourage people to talk about their boundaries upfront. Boundaries are your yes, and your no. So, not just all the no-go zones, but also all of the openings and entry points.”

“Whatever meanings we have around sex is absolutely going to impact what we do, how we feel, and how we continue to think about sex.”

“The more you get to know yourself, the better you have an understanding of your own meaning of sex. That meaning impacts what we do, how we feel, and how we continue to think about sex.”

“We have sexual attitudes, sexual beliefs, core values, and sexual feelings. The more you get to know yourself, the better you have an understanding of your own meaning of sex.” 

“What we’re actually looking for in our sexual experiences are a set of feelings, you are wanting sex to make you feel a particular type of way.”

“Sex itself is not actually a taboo topic. You are really just talking about pleasure and all of the layers of what it would mean for you and this other person to feel good together.”

“I really want to empower us to reclaim agency over our bodies. It starts with getting information and sharing that with other people. That’s how we reclaim our rights to pleasure.”

“I don’t want us to think of our boundaries, our no’s, our shifts, our redirections, or our course corrections as a negative thing, This is important relationship-building information.”

“People are allowed to feel how they feel about what it is that we are stating, naming, asking for, doing. You’re saying, I want to go deeper with you, build with you. I want more.”

“When we are making requests, we are giving people, especially when they are actually tied to things we want or need, opportunities to participate in pleasure with us.”

“When I am opening up some vulnerability by making a request, it is an opportunity for someone to meet my needs. It’s an opportunity for someone to participate in helping me feel good.” 

“We have so few conversations, and so few vulnerable conversations around sex, that we are often just taken by surprise.” 

“We’re not always going to have the same palates. We’re not always going to want the same things at the same time. It’s just not to this person’s taste, and that’s okay.”