Save the Date #11 – How do I stop sabotaging my relationships? | Lori Gottlieb

We all know what we want in our dating life: to be in a great relationship. But what is stopping us from having that? There could be a lot of factors, but a major one could actually be us getting in our own way.

I’m really excited to have today’s expert help us understand how we can stop sabotaging our own happiness when it comes to dating. Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and author of not one but two New York Times best-selling books: “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” which is currently being adapted as a TV series, and “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In addition to being an author with a clinical practice, she writes The Atlantic’s weekly “Dear Therapist” advice column and she also co-hosts the new hit podcast “Dear Therapist,” which I love listening to myself and is produced by Katie Couric.

This is “Save the Date,” a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. Each episode, our Chief Dating Officer Dawoon Kang will sit down with a guest expert to tackle some of your most burning dating questions and explore what it takes to ultimately reach your goals: going on great dates that lead to a lasting, serious relationship.

SHOW NOTES:
Why do we go after the unavailable type [1:39]

Idiot compassion vs. wise compassion [5:10]

Do you need to settle to be in a happy relationship? [10:02]

Why spark and compatibility are both important [14:41]

How we learn about ourselves in relationship in our 20s [21:05]

How Lori got over a painful breakup with the help of her therapist [26:29]

The ways in which we keep ourselves in a prison [29:43]

Should you ever compromise on core values? [35:32]

Tips for dating after 40 years old [41:51]

How to start trusting again after a heartbreak [43:09]

The best dating advice Lori has ever received [45:10]

RESOURCES:
Lori’s website: https://lorigottlieb.com/
Lori’s books: https://www.amazon.com/Lori-Gottlieb/e/B001IOBJ66%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share
Lori’s articles in The Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/author/lori-gottlieb/
Lori’s Instagram profile: https://www.instagram.com/lorigottlieb_author/?hl=en
Lori’s TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/lori_gottlieb_how_changing_your_story_can_change_your_life?language=en
Lori’s podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dear-therapists/id1523340696

QUOTES:
“Sometimes, we are our own jailers. Situation, circumstance, and stories make us think we’re unlovable and keep us imprisoned when we can walk around those bars and create our own story.”
“We blame it on the availability of the significant other we’re looking for if we can’t find them. In reality, we may sabotage ourselves by going after people who aren’t right for us.”

“We marry our unfinished business. When you’re dating, it’s important to know what business needs to get finished so you can pursue people who can provide the relationship you want.”

“Idiot compassion is when we think we’re being supportive by hearing a friend’s story about a bad date or boyfriend and saying, ‘They’re terrible. You were right, they were wrong.’”

“Wise compassion is what a therapist does. We hold up a mirror up to you and help you to see something about yourself that maybe you haven’t been willing or able to see.”

“I think that spark is really important. But I think that what you’re looking for is spark and compatibility. I think when people feel spark, they forget about compatibility.”

“When we are heartbroken, we think we miss the other person. In actuality, we miss being in a great relationship, things like the inside jokes and sharing the minutiae of our day.”

“There’s healthy chemistry, where you’re drawn to somebody for healthy reasons, and unhealthy chemistry, where you’re immediately drawn to somebody because of unfinished business.”

“I think that we forget that the dating experience is different from the married experience.”

“It doesn’t help anybody to stay in a relationship that ultimately can’t work because you’re not willing to talk about what’s important to you in life.”