Do These 6 Things To Find Out
Guest post by Linda Bloom
Charlie and I have heard many people asking this question during our career as relationship counselors. My point of view is: it only takes one. You may have to kiss a few frogs in the process but that’s a small price to pay compared to what could be a great outcome.
There’s no doubt that finding somebody who floats your boat is a challenge, especially if you’ve gone through the process enough times to know exactly what you’re looking for — and what you aren’t willing to go through again. It’s not a walk on the beach to find somebody who will pair with you, make a commitment to support your development and to learn and respect your needs, who won’t bail when things get tense, can stand the heat, and work with you to create the partnership you look for.
So why bother going through this onerous process? Isn’t it simpler and less upsetting to save yourself the inconvenience and stay out of the dating game altogether? After all, if you’re convinced that there’s nobody out there who’s available, who’s really worth being in relationship with, then why should you even try?
Many people embrace the idea that “all the good ones are already taken” because it protects them from the possibility of the rejection, disappointment, pain, or loss that can accompany the quest for love. They may not be building a relationship and enjoying the benefits of a rich and rewarding bond, but by the same token they believe they will avoid the fear of being abandoned, cheated on, or the frustration of finding out that the one they thought was a prize turned out to be a disappointment and the source of hurt. Some of those who hold this position tend to gather “evidence” usually from others who share the same belief, which affirms their view: it’s just not worth the effort. Believing that the situation is hopeless has the advantage of justifying the avoidance of emotional risks fundamental with starting new relationships. Some prefer to find “friends” with whom they can commiserate and find solace and empathy.
Just as you might be contemplating abandoning the search, there are plenty of other qualified, decent, worthwhile eligible partners out there . Because they may be thinking the same thing as you, however, they are not likely to come knocking on your door without receiving some kind of invitation. And if your standards are such that you require your partner to adhere to some ideal of “perfection”, be prepared to be disappointed (unless you can prove that you are perfect yourself).
Whether you live in San Francisco or in South Carolina, whether you’re 18 or 92, whether you’re a conservative or a liberal, whether you like jazz or pop, there are people with whom it is possible to create true, lasting and loving partnerships. What it takes is:
- The readiness to risk involvement and emotional engagement, to make yourself vulnerable and face the chance of disappointment.
- The intention to become the partner of your dreams, rather than just trying to find him or her. Ask yourself: “ ‘I need somebody to love me’: is that true?”
- The commitment to persevere without getting discouraged even if you do end up having to kiss a few frogs.
- The ability to be selective about who you talk and listen to, and pay less attention to your nay-saying friends.
- A commitment to do your own work to become a more loving, authentic, and trustworthy person. Love with others starts with love within!
- And the patience, trust and faith that make it possible to hang in there and enjoy the ride between now and the time that you get to invalidate this less useful belief!
Linda Bloom and her husband Charlie are renown experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They are educators and relationship therapists who are committed to helping individuals and couples experience a high level of well being in their lives. They have been featured by over two hundred radio and TV programs and are co-authors of several bestselling books. To learn about their practice, or to ask them a question, visit their profile on eTherapi. eTherapi is an online therapy platform that allows people to find and talk with a therapist anytime, anywhere.
If you liked this post, check out Is Love At First Sight Real?
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.