Things you really probably shouldn’t talk about on a first date:
Holding in a poop feels so good:
This should really be talked about only with the closest of friends, or maybe if you get drunk with your parents sometime. They’ve seen you poop, and been pooping longer than you, so naturally they’ve considered the subject many times. I think about this mostly at work when I’m trying really hard to finish that report I’ve been working on for days and the bathroom seems like the one thing that will break my groove. I’m not saying I poop my pants at work, but I am saying I understand if you are someone who does.
Farting in front of each other is okay:
An obvious follow-up to number one, come one people. How are you going to each eat a heaping mound of pad thai and then say silent about it the rest of the night. You and your partner should be able to relish in the moment and recognize the beauty of letting gas go when it needs to. First date farting should be encouraged as an icebreaker. If your date happens to be vegan (from experience) those farts are pretty darn putrid, so hang in there.
I realize we’ve evolved or whatever, but is it the worst idea to bring some things from the past back? Throwback thursday to when everyone was naked pre-forbidden fruit incident. I have a strong no clothes policy in my bed that my bagel is still getting used to. Body heat people! Plus, feeling comfy with your body ain’t no joke. It is quite important in any relationship, especially the one with yourself.
Dogs are better than people:
Have you ever felt like you should have just gone to the animal shelter instead of on a date and it would have made you feel all the things you want a date to make you feel? Yeah me too, because dogs rule and love unconditionally, and I strive to be more and more like a dog everyday. I almost gave up and bought a dog because of the dating pool out there. I would have had a pup for all the wrong reasons, so I’m glad this bagel came along. Everyday I try to pretend I’m a dog when he gets home, like I haven’t seen him for years. Dogs are onto something there. Treat everyone like you’ve been missing them your whole life, and you will get that love right back…(and maybe snacks too)!
THE MARK OF A GREAT RELATIONSHIP using this as a guideline is one where you can comfortably discuss dog poop, human poop and poop schedules. Pooping is like vision, we all assume it’s the same for everyone, but what if we are wrong again? What if there is much more to be flushed out here? I like a partner who can accept that I am a functioning human who poops, and I like thinking about my partner’s amazing body dispelling all the waste and leaving the goods for me :)
If you liked all the poop talk, check out mah girl from SF droppin’ knowledge
Also CMB really works people, I’m still seeing my bagel, plenty of schmear in our future:
About Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB): CMB is a free dating service that helps members make meaningful connections. It’s designed for busy singles who want to find something real with little or no effort.